How we’ve successfully managed our union for 60 years

By Agatha Emeadi

Over 60 years ago, precisely on January 29, 1966, at St. Cyprian’s Church, Hospital Road, Port Harcourt, River State, young Gabriel Toby and Christie Toby began an amiable marital union that has continued till date.

At the church on that day, Rt. Reverend Hubert Afonja, Assistant Bishop of the Niger-Delta Diocese, who conducted the ceremony, waited patiently at the altar with young Gabriel. Both watched in admiration as young and beautiful Christy was led to the altar by her father, Venerable Obadaiah Datubo Cockeye Brown, popularly known as ODC.

Since they said I do, both have lived together for over six decades and counting. Even as they age gracefully, the spark of love still shines in their eyes.

Sir Gabriel Toby started out from being an accounts clerk with Shell BP Port Harcourt in 1960 before graduating with a Bachelor’s Degree in accounting from the University of Nigeria Nsukka, Enugu State. he would later become the deputy governor of Rivers State from May 1999 to May 2007 in the administration of former Governor Peter Odili.

His wife, Dame Dr Christy Toby, an educationist, is the first of 10 children from her parents. Her father insisted she would be a teacher and got her registered at St. Monica Girls’ Modern School, Ogbunike, Onitsha, Anambra State. After that, she travelled to the United Kingdom for her first and second degrees in education before earning her doctorate from the University of Port-Harcourt, Rivers State.

At a recent encounter, husband and wife spoke about their amazing marital journey that has lasted over 60 years.

Sir, can you tell us about yourself?

Sir Gabriel: I was born on 19th January 1939 into the family of Senibo (Elder) George Toby and Mary George Toby of Chief Toby War Canoe House, Kiepirima Section, Opobo Kingdom. My father was a principal member of the House and a successful oil palm produce merchant. He was one of the founding fathers of Owerrinta Waterside near Aba, a trading post on the bank of the Imo River, where they traded in oil palm produce. He was a respected and revered community leader, known for his straightforwardness, integrity, and incorruptibility. He married two wives and had seven sons and one daughter. I had my early upbringing at Owerrinta Waterside, where I began my primary education at St. Peter’s School in 1945.

How about you, ma’am?

Lady Christie: I am the first of ten children of my parents. I started primary school at the age of four years, eight months. My father insisted that I must be a teacher, so he got me admitted into St. Monica’s Girls’ Modern School, Ogbunike, Onitsha, Anambra State. Later, I gained admission into Teachers’ College- WTC Enugu and St John’s College Port Harcourt. I obtained my Nigeria Certificate of Education (NCE) at Rivers State College of Education. Later, I travelled to United Kingdom for my first and second degrees from University College Cardiff, and University of Bath. I crowned it with PhD from the University of Port Harcourt, Rivers State, Nigeria. I belong to these professional bodies – Fellow, Nigerian Institute of Management (FNIM). Fellow, Nigerian Academy of Education (FNAE) and Fellow, Nigerian Association of Special Education Teachers, (FNASET).

How did you two meet?

Sir Gabriel: In the company of my friends, we saw her in front of their house and went to invite her to Opobo Students’ Union Association in 1958. I was elected Secretary, while she was elected Publicity Secretary and also doubled as Assistant Secretary. Our offices required us to work closely together. That was when I started admiring her greatly. We had no relationship beyond union activities. I noticed she was responsible and disciplined. She was not flirtatious, and would not engage in conversations about love relationships even in a platonic sense. It was during my final year in higher school in 1958/59 that I began to think seriously about marriage. The moment I became anxious about marriage, she was my undisputed choice. Her thoughts occupied my mind constantly, and I knew I was in love with her. Having observed her closely and sought her views on several issues, I realised she was not ready to start a relationship. I therefore decided to handle the situation with great care. I committed my desire to prayer and asked God for guidance and wisdom. On 28th December 1960, I proposed marriage to her. She did not object but asked how long I had been in love with her. I truthfully answered, “Three years.” She then gave me an unexpected response that it would take her another three years to reply. Since it was my heart’s desire, I had no option but to wait patiently. In August 1962, she accepted me. My people and I concluded the traditional marriage ceremony in January 1965, but my father-in-law insisted that we could not live together until after the church wedding. By the grace of God, we were married at St. Cyprian’s Church, Hospital Road, Port Harcourt, on 29th January 1966. The ceremony was conducted by Rt. Rev. Hubert A. I. Afonya, Assistant Bishop of the Niger-Delta Diocese.

Lady Christie: I first met him with two of his friends: Dagogo Fubara, now Alabo (Prof.) Dagogo M. J. Fubara, Head of Fubarakwuro War Canoe Group of Houses and Solomon Sunday Jaja, later Alabo (Dr.) Solomon Sunday Jaja of blessed memory. They saw me in front of our house and invited me to attend the Opobo Students’ Union meeting. I refused and told them that my father would not allow me. When they insisted, Gabriel asked if they could approach my father and if he consented, would I be willing to go with them? I thought my father would not agree. They met my father sitting at his dining table, and requested that he allow me attend the Opobo Student Union Association meeting. My father asked about the aims and objectives of the union. Gabriel responded impressively. Surprisingly my father permitted me to follow my brothers to the meeting. In fact, he requested that they come take me other times to attend the meeting and bring me back safely.

What was the attraction for you?

Sir Gabriel: I admired her greatly in the cause of our union activities. She was responsible and disciplined. She was not the flirting type and would not engage in conversations about love and relationships. When I started thinking of marriage, she was my undisputed choice. Her thoughts occupied my mind constantly, and I knew I was in love with her.

Lady Christie: He was very courteous, unlike the other boys. He was not forward. He was pleasant and looked very responsible. He did not start by making advances. Within me, I simply related freely with them all, without any feelings or attachment. I felt safe around them.

Please tell us about how the proposal went

Sir Gabriel: When I was convinced she was the one, because I felt the love in my spirit, I committed it to prayers. On 28th December 1960, I proposed marriage to her. She did not object but asked how long I had been in love with her. I told her three years. She said, I should give her another three years before I will get a response from her. I had no choice than to wait for three more years. In August 1962, she accepted me. The traditional marriage was concluded and the church wedding followed in January, 1966.

Lady Christie: In December 1960, he proposed to me. I knew I liked him very much, but I could not accept his hand in marriage until late August 1962, when he pleaded that he was going back for his final examinations and needed an answer from me. Then I accepted him.

What childhood memories prepared you for marriage?

Lady Christie: I had a very beautiful childhood experience. My father was a clergyman, and we lived in the vicarage, playing with the children of other church workers. Our father had a car, but we usually trekked to school. If we were running late, our mother would beg him to drop us off. His response would be “When they are flogged, they will learn to start early and finish their morning chores in time to get to school on time.”

Sometimes we had dancing competitions and our prizes were sweets butterscotch, peppermint, chewing gum and assorted biscuits. Every morning, we all had chores before leaving for school. No matter how small, as long as you were of school age, you must sweep, mop, water flowers, wash plates, or dust tables. It was routine that did not need a reminder. In the evenings, our father told us folktales about animals, fish, birds, and more. These stories kept our imagination alive and active. We did not miss television because there was none at the time. Our parents were strict, but because we had no other experience, we did not see it that way. We believed that was how every child grew up.

It is said that the first five years of marriage are usually turbulent. Was it that way with you?

Sir Gabriel: We had no turbulence at all. I believe all the turbulence was blown away during the seven years of waiting before the marriage.

Lady Christie: We had no issue at all. We loved one another

What do you both share in common?

Lady Christie: We are both convicted Christians. We love serving in the Lord’s vineyard. We are peaceful, contented and accept our mistakes readily. We apologise easily without coercion.

What favourite name do you call one another?

Sir Gabriel: Darling.

Lady Christie: Darling

How did you surmount all the marital challenges in the last 60 years?

Sir Gabriel: First, thank God for HIS grace. We trust in God. We made Jesus Christ the foundation of our marriage. We placed love, trust, patience, tolerance, and endurance on high premium.

Lady Christie: We made Christ the foundation of our home from the onset. Again, when two people who admire and appreciate each other agree to marry, things work out easily and freely.

In the early days of the marriage, what did she do that you didn’t like?

Sir Gabriel: Sometimes one would feel offended by what the other did or failed to do. She also would the same when the situation is reversed. She can be loud when angry, and I can also react the same way. However, when two people are angry at the same time, the house can be on fire. One person must decide to be calm. I rarely engage in exchange of words. I let things go, and if the heat becomes too much, I walk away and wait for frayed nerves to calm down.

Lady Christie: He did not like to open up when he had issues. I insisted that he should tell me whenever he was distressed. His response was that he did not want to bother me, he preferred I relax

How did you manage your finances? People say that brings a lot of disunity in marriages…

Sir Gabriel: She was a professional who earned her income, which she worked for, so she had the right to meet her personal and other needs. I also earned my income and had the right to spend it caring for my family and meeting my own personal needs. She also used her money to take care of the home. There must be trust, and when financial issues arise, we discussed it with mutual understanding. At no time in these 60 years did we ever have problems with our finances.

Lady Christie: We discuss our finances as and when the need arises. In fact, he is my economist and financial adviser.

In over 60 years of your marriage, what would you call your greatest achievement?

Sir Gabriel: We have love that binds and unites us. We have a harmonious and peaceful home. We are contented with what we have and the grace and mercy of God are with us.

Lady Christie: Our bonding has grown deeper over the years. We are satisfied with the level at which God has placed us. We are a contented pair.

Were there family oppositions at the initial stage of your marriage?

Sir Gabriel: None whatsoever. She integrated easily into the family and became the toast of my mother and the entire womenfolk in the larger family.

Lady Christie: My parents loved him at first sight. The first gift he sent to me arrived while I was on holiday. I took it to my father, and without hesitation, he asked me to accept it. We have a very close-knit family. My relations accepted him from the first day, and I was wholly accepted into the George Toby family from my first day.

What personal adjustment did you make for your marriage to work?

Lady Christie: With reassurance from me, and the understanding that we should share our burdens and find solutions together, he was relaxed. From then on, we solved all our problems together and shared our experiences. We talk a lot together, and perhaps that is what eases our misgivings.

What would you say you’re celebrating after 60 years?

Sir Gabriel: We are celebrating enduring love, God’s favour and goodness, God’s gift of a life partner who brought peace to the home. She is a caring wife and mother.

There are women who use sex as a weapon to fight back when there is an issue…

Lady Christie: For both of us, intimacy comes readily because we deeply love each other.

Who was your Best Man?

Sir Gabriel: He is Sir Sydney Ukonu.

Who was your Best Lady, ma’am?

Lady Christie: My chief bridesmaid has been my friend since we were under 15 years old. She later married my husband’s cousin. We are both Mrs Toby and are still friends.

What is your spouse’s favourite meal?

Lady Christie: He likes fresh food daily, and that was never a problem because I like cooking. His favourite meals are white rice with ripe fried plantain and stew. Or white rice with fresh fish pepper soup. Again, he loves listening to news, watching sports, and listening to classical and church music.

Sir Gabriel: Her favourite food is yam. Boiled, fried, or pounded. Whichever way it is prepared, it remains delicious to her. She also loves chilled fruit juice like orange, mango, guava, or mixed.

What advice do you have for young married couples who want to be like you?

Sir Gabriel: Well, they should remember that everyone has a good and a bad side. To maintain a healthy and friendly relationship, each person must focus on the good side and turn a blind eye to the bad side. During courtship, certain qualities attracted you to each other before you decided to marry. As couples grow older, physical beauty fades, but those innate qualities should be held unto.

Lady Christie: For every family, know it that your home is your base. You have members of your nuclear family and extended family. Your home must be a rallying point, and as a couple, you must deliberately galvanise it. Without this, peace of mind will be difficult. Our relations have free access to us, and we can call on them at any time to assist any member of the family. We have also taught our children to relate well with both sides of their families.

Whenever the curtain finally falls, what would you want to be remembered for?

Sir Gabriel: I would love to be remembered as a man with abiding faith in God, who accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and personal saviour. I am that man who served God and humanity to the best of my ability with integrity, honesty, fairness, and care for those in need. Then, a man who is be trusted.

Lady Christie: I love my God, and I would like to be remembered for my humble service in His vineyard. I love children and love to see them guided and guarded as they grow into responsible adults. They are my pride whenever I see them turn out well. I am interested in sharing the little I have with the less privileged. I always assist them to the glory of God. It is refreshing to put a smile on someone’s face.

What childhood fond-memories prepared you for marriage?