What did it feel like when you had to have a difficult conversation with your friend, spouse, child, parent, neighbour, co-worker, employee, or employer? It wasn’t easy nor fun, was it? Our focus, however, is on professional contexts even though you can pick a thing or two for your personal contexts. In professional life, difficult conversations are inevitable. Whether you’re delivering constructive feedback, addressing conflicts, discussing poor performance, or negotiating tough terms, these conversations can be challenging but are crucial for personal and organisational growth. The ability to navigate these discussions with clarity and empathy is a valuable skill that can enhance your leadership, improve team dynamics, and foster a positive work environment. In this article, I explore techniques to help you approach difficult conversations with confidence and effectiveness.
As I earlier noted, there is the inevitability of challenging discussions in professional life. This is because difficult conversations are a natural part of any workplace. What may they look like? They might involve providing negative feedback to a team member; addressing conflicts between colleagues; discussing compensation or promotion decisions; delivering bad news to clients or stakeholders; negotiating contract terms; or addressing personal hygiene or behaviour issues. Isn’t it true that we sometimes need to call a spade a spade with a low or non- performing member of our team? In some cases, some members of the team choose to remain mute, but that only worsens the working relations in the team. In other cases, someone’s application for promotion may have been denied by the application and promotions committee, and this information needs to be conveyed to the applicant. That wouldn’t be so palatable, would it? How easy, too, is it to tell someone you work closely with that they have body odour or that they need to use deodorant or perfume? That’s a tough call, isn’t it? I hope you get the point now.
While these conversations can be uncomfortable, avoiding them often leads bigger problems down the line. A study by VitalSmarts found that 83% of employees have witnessed colleagues say something that has had catastrophic results on team dynamics, productivity, or careers. This underscores the importance of addressing issues promptly and effectively. However, while it is good to speak up on issues, how the communication is done matters all the more. How, then, can you prepare for difficult conveersations?
Proper preparation can significantly improve the outcome of challenging discussions. What can help you in this regard? To begin, clarify your objective by thinking or writing about the specific outcomes you are hoping to achieve. As an example, you may write down the following: “I want to address Emmanuel’s frequent late arrivals and find a solution that works for both Emmanuel and the team.” Another thing to do is to gather relevant information. This means that you can collect concrete examples and data to support your points. As in the previous example, you might want to collect specific examples from the attendance or show what the survey or feedback from other colleagues reveal about the issue of Emmanuel’s lateness. It is also helpful to anticipate reactions from the person you will be speaking to. Try to predict how the other person might respond and prepare for various scenarios. If you’re delivering bad news, for example, consider whether the person might become angry, defensive, or upset, and plan how you’ll respond.
Additionally, choose the right time and place. Everyone loves to be dignified; therefore, select a private, neutral location and ensure you have enough uninterrupted time. You might book a meeting room away from the open office for a one-on-one discussion. Furthermore, do some practice. Rehearse what you plan to say, either alone or with a trusted colleague. You can do this by role-playing the conversation, with your colleague playing the other person’s part.
Let’s now consider some techniques for conducting difficult conversations. No one is a pro at this; however, there is room for improvement. You can start with empathy. This is easier said than done. But try to begin by acknowledging the other person’s perspective or feelings. You could say something like this: “I understand that you’ve been working hard on this project, and it must be frustrating to receive this feedback.” It is quite helpful to use “I” statements.
Do this by framing your points from your perspective to avoid sounding accusatory.
So instead of: “You always miss deadlines”, try: “I’ve noticed that the last three reports were submitted after the deadline, and I’m concerned about the impact on our team’s work ow.” If this colleague is reasonable, they should know that you are trying to be empathetic.
Yet another thing to do is to be specific and factual. Instead of generalising the issue on ground, provide concrete examples. Example: “In the last team meeting, you interrupted Uche three times while he was presenting. This behaviour made it difficult for her to complete her presentation.” You can also try to listen actively. Give the other person a chance to respond and truly listen to their perspective. Use techniques like paraphrasing to ensure understanding: “So what I’m hearing is…” Could you also try to focus on the future? By this I mean that after addressing the issue, shift the conversation towards solutions and future improvements. Example: “Now that we’ve identified the problem, what steps can we take to ensure this doesn’t happen again?” Next, maintain a calm demeanor, and keep your tone even and your body language open even if the other person becomes emotional. If someone raises their voice, resist the urge to match their tone. Instead, speak calmly and suggest taking a short break if needed. Not so easy, right?
You could also use the “sandwich” technique judiciously. While sometimes effective, be cautious about always sandwiching negative feedback between positive comments, as it can feel insincere. Instead, consider a direct but kind approach: “I have some concerns about your recent project that I’d like to discuss. Is now a
good time to talk about this?” Last of all, avoid absolutes. Isn’t it true that words like “always” and “never” can put people on the defensive? So, instead of: “You never meet deadlines,” try: “I’ve noticed a pattern of missed deadlines, and I’d like to understand what’s causing this.
In the article to follow, we will consider active listening and validation techniques; ways to express disagreement respectfully; ways to handle emotional responses; and ways to conduct a follow-up after a difficult conversation.