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Nigerians are a funny bunch. They are so much into noise. That is why our loudness as a people often lands us in trouble.
Every weekend, we block the streets, celebrating inanities. We celebrate even dead paupers who meant nothing to us while alive so much so that death becomes inviting for the living. When we marry or give birth, na so so show. We have even turned our mosques and churches into noisy megaphones. The muezzin wakes us up in the morning when sleep is sweetest; so also do churches steal our sleep during their Friday vigils, yet our sins stink the most.
Those not keen on noise-making are tucked away in obscurity. Nobody comes to their churches or parties because they are sombre and staid.
This could be responsible for people not paying heed to my prophecy months back about the emergence of a new country out of Nigeria, known as COWntry. In that write-up, I had talked about “our country, their COWntry.” It passed unnoticed because there were no paparazzi when my prophecy was announced. There was neither a press conference nor clamorous drummers or even a compendium wherein I published my prophecy. So, but for a few that gave it passing comments, I was largely ignored.
You can see why I am angry right now that my prophecy has come to pass because another has taken the credit. We must learn to give honour to whom it is due. All the attention being given to Shehu Malami is uncalled for. If he were not a Senior Advocate of Nigeria, SAN, and the Attorney-General of the Federation (AGF) and also considering how justice is dispensed in this country, I would have sued him for plagiarism.
He merely confirmed the emergent COWntry, which I had earlier prophesied. I saw it clearly in a vision where cows overran this country, feeding on crops with reckless abandon. I saw menacing cow-men intimidating everyone as the cows got fatter than the citizens. However, I was alarmed when, after feeding on all the farmlands and farmowners, they turned on their minders and began eating them up too. It was in that state of fear that I woke up, soaked in hot sweat.
So, nobody should give Malami credit for the COWntry; he copied it from me. Come to think of it, why do they even want to use the man’s head to break coconut? He is my co-visioner and I welcome him. If not for him, who would have remembered that I once prophesied this; who would have known that there is indeed a COWntry in our country. Power is beautiful and sweet.
I want to appeal to Malami as my co-visioner, who has the power I don’t have, to advise Mr. President to issue executive orders granting cows full fundamental rights. What is good for the citizens is also good for the cows. Cows must have cow rights like other citizens. Let the cows be given freedom to roam wide and wild across the country, eat up anything as they like. No citizen should have more right than the cows. After all, we have been in this animal farm for far too long; none should be more equal than another.
What is anybody’s business if cows cause food insecurity? If we import toothpicks, it would be more reasonable to import food nah. Government must open our borders for everything, including grasses for cows, where the farms fail.
Are cows not more civil than we humans? Have you heard that cows kidnapped or raped anybody? Abeg, leave our cows alone.
I am positive that the President would issue the executive orders. In fact, he should start ruling by executive orders. After all, the legislature and executive have merged like Siamese twins. The head of the National Assembly has shown us he is zipped up inside the President’s pocket and was the first to wisely attack the governors of southern states for banning open grazing.
A very smart man, he knows it is dangerous to confront Mr. President. Doing so would confuse and distract him from the noble work he is doing. So, the President should borrow as much money as he can and if Nigerians refuse to ruga their lands, he should go ahead to turn the entire land into a COWntry or mortgage its generations as collateral for more loans to build the proposed ranches.
Yes, why wouldn’t cows be preferred to Nigerians? Cows don’t kidnap or rape fellow cows nah. Nigerians do all that and even trouble the cows by rustling them. The more reason we should salute the Senate for proposing a 15-year jail term for anyone that pays ransom to kidnappers.
What a laudable piece of legislation! I hate it when people can’t figure out good things when they see one. Why do they accuse the Senate of misplaced priorities? Why must people insist that it would have been better to criminalise the genial forces, such as unemployment, that make for inventive youths? But for unemployment, would our youths be this creative to set up their own industries in the forests?
So, before proposing such a penalty for relatives desperate to secure release of their loved ones that could be killed and body parts harvested and sold for ritualism, we should consider the better option between kidnapping a few people in exchange for a few millions and kidnapping a whole country and sharing its resources by a handful of politicians. Paying ransom neither promotes kidnapping nor is it inimical to our efficient policing network
I don’t even understand what is wrong with this loud mouth, Femi Falana, and his ilk. How could he fault the noble thoughts of our lawmakers. Certainly, no lawman will pay ransom if kidnapped. Where will you see them to kidnap in the first place? Our problem is Falana’s ‘stupid and jejune’ usual meddlesome intervention. I advise him to better don his wig to defend ransom-payers or to jail they must go. By the way, I suggest he also forgets this craze about human rights and embrace cow rights, the rave of the moment.
The argument is a lengthy one, veering into the nebulous power sector: Would it not have been better, some argue, to criminalise activities of those ripping off Nigerians in the power sector, forcing us to pay for darkness? Would it not have made more sense if we revisited the privatisation of the power sector and jailed those that connived in stripping Nigeria of a vital national asset, turning it into an instrument of fraud under official cover? Would it not have been better if the Senate asked questions about the prepaid meters the government claimed to have bought for free distribution to consumers, instead of wanting to pay ransom payers? Why are the meters not being given out to even those willing to pay for them? And why are the electricity distribution companies more powerful than the government as to defy directives and get away with it? In fact, some even foolishly moot the idea of criminalising the importation of power generating sets, their sale and purchase.
Those who fault the legislation against payment of ransom say it is due to no fault of theirs but because of failure of governance to organise and police society; because of parental and societal failure that tend to celebrate wealth without source, which Ndigbo call ego mbute…like HushPuppi allegedly did. This is nonsense!
We shouldn’t begrudge those that want the best for their COWntry. If you feel they hate you this much, it is because of your cowardice. Perhaps Malami’s problem was likening cow herding to spare parts trade.
So what? Is it not a clear message that you are mere spare parts? Only dimwits consider themselves joint stakeholders in Nigeria.
Maybe, you want your own country too? First, it is Biafra but nobody knows whether it is Uwazurike or Nnamdi Kanus’s; even Asari Dokubo’s. Second, we have the Odua Republic championed by Sunday Igboho; the Middle Belt and now Malami’s COWntry, and other offshoots.
The faint-hearted say the behemoth is caving in but I know we are marching on strong. Nigeria, we hail thee.
