Dangers of eyeing and necking voters’ cards

Let all those who have their PVCs raise them for me to see. Thank you, very much. You don’t have your PVC and you are reading this column. I fear you o! I don’t want to say what will happen to you before I open my eyes and close them. I won’t tell you where you will see yourself by the time I finish closing my eyes.

You don’t have your PVC and you are reading this? Oh my God, where is that policeman that I saw at that junction ordering motorists to pack so that he can check their vehicle particulars or papers? I say don’t let that motorist go if he doesn’t show you his voter’s card or PVC. Your car papers are not complete if you don’t have among them your voter’s card.

I say, where is that policeman that I saw now collecting N100 change from those who bought frowns from him and those who matched the brakes of their cars before they were asked to stop for “checking”? Where is that policeman that threatened to shoot if I don’t grease his palms with anointing oil wrapped in N50 or N100 note? Please, be holding on to your gun while you are going through those papers. Check whether they contain the voter’s card or not. If they don’t, get the owner of the vehicle to permanently pack his car somewhere for inspection until he is able to produce his voter’s card.

Before I open my eyes and close them, I say go recall those who you asked to go without them bringing out and showing you their voters’ cards. This matter is that serious. Voter’s card it is and voter’s card is what everybody should be demanding now, not N50 note. If your gun accidentally discharged death which it always does, you might even be forgiven if it did that in the course of demanding for voter’s card.

You don’t have voter’s card and you have the temerity, the audacity to be reading through this article? May God forgive me all my sins, my friend, if you don’t stop reading at this point you are going to see my red, blue, green eyes, whatever. In fact, I have ordered our ICT guys to block this article for anyone who don’t have their voter’s cards.

For your information, the kind of blocking I ordered our ICT guys to do is the most difficult and frustrating kind. Whereas, in that other kind, they give you permission or the privilege to read a few lines or paragraphs before they ask you to subscribe, in my own case, I am not ready to allow you enjoy a word of this piece. In fact, their blocking is going to take this form: you will only be allowed to see the space in between one word and the other. Nothing more! Nothing less! Big deal, man!
But you see that bird that just flew past? It claims to know the reason people are reluctant to go and register or collect their PVCs. It said that the kind of suffering that ordinary Nigerians go through for extraordinary Nigerians to be voted into power is better imagined than experienced. You get to the registration point by 5am and the place is swarming with the kind of rowdy crowd that you meet with or your eyes meet with if you are trying to buy things in public markets like Afo Ukwu, Orie Agu, Nkwoala, Afo Oru or Eke Ahiara in Imo State.

Your heart sinks. You don’t know where to start and you don’t know where to stop. You don’t know whether to go or stay. You don’t know if it will eventually get to your turn if you stay and you don’t know if you will end up having to spend the whole day there without achieving what you have come to do. You don’t know whether the INEC officials and their ad-hoc staff are encouraging people by their angry looks and angrier comments. You don’t know whether you are going to succeed in getting registered or not. Never seen that kind of dilemma!

If that is the case, then it is not your fault. In fact, you can read through this article as many times as you want. If that is the case, I will never ask you again to raise your hand for any reason. Oh, I thought it is the people that are refusing to register and be counted among the number of those who will vote in next year election. Now, I know that the problem is from INEC (Independent National Election Commission), not us poor Nigerians. So? To vote for a man that would rule and eventually enjoy all the pecks of office, I will need to suffer, ehn? May God forbid that! That’s not my portion!
The mad man said he would not say anything to people who are going round him with a cutlass until he looks for his head and does not see it still sitting on his body. I will not say anything to INEC who chose to put a few staff to be in charge of millions of voters in a location. You want to kill them with work or abi, you don’t want them to live and enjoy the fruit of their labour? Under pressure, under pressure, I can hear Ras Kimono (may his good soul rest in peace), singing.

I will not say anything to INEC for failing to provide air-conditioned room for their operations so that sun-baked voters can see where to relax while they are waiting to get registered. I will not say anything to INEC for creating only one or two registration points in high density areas. I will not say anything until I look for my name and not see it on the list of voters or look for my PVC and not see it.

Before I open my eyes and close them, the big Ogas at the INEC ‘heady quarters’(?) should, please, explain to me why I should not turn their necks backward towards Sambisa forest for deliberately insulting our intelligence by calling on us to come and register while there are no facilities on ground and adequate preparations in place to take care of the number of people which they know must come. Please o, let somebody tell INEC the dangers of eyeing and necking voters’ cards!