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(Continued from last Monday)
Mind you, in Nigeria any political player that is demystified is finished, completely finished. Interest, far beyond every other consideration, is foundational, central, paramount.
Your interest is all that matters. Anyone who considers your interest while taking an action is for you, even if (s)he is of the devil or of the opposition or a known enemy of state. Anyone who gives no hoot about your interest is an opponent, even if (s)he is family, or an acclaimed patriot. That’s how our politicians roll.
Law Number Seven is in character: Beware Of The Bible! Yes, beware of God’s own book. Those desperately-desirous of political success need to keep away from the Book of books. The Book itself clearly warns that it is easier for the camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a Bible-conscious politician in my country to do so.
The Bible is categorical about the impossibility of serving two Masters simultaneously. In the Old and New Testaments, we find too many curses which should force Nigerian politicians to avoid the Bible. I think that most of our top political players soon hit rock bottom because they toy with the Bible. For instance, the dumb effrontery of holding and swearing by it on inauguration day, when they know they never abide, has continued to hurt our political class terminally.
I suspect that the Bible has a hand in the alarming high turnover of political leaders. Politicians should get the constitution to replace the Bible on oath-taking day or keep suffering in foolishness. In addition, by meditating on the misadventure of Eve who was the politician in her husband’s house and whose ‘political ambition’ landed her family and indeed mankind in rejection, Nigerian politicians can learn a critical survival tactic. Enough with the preachment!
In time to take up Law Number Eight: Acquire Patience Anyhow. At NOUS, this law is Course 104: Introduction To Management. In Nigeria, ‘a good politician’ is a great manager; no, not necessarily of men and resources, but of crises, of disappointments, of mischief, of failings and failures. No one can imbibe, let alone display, this absolute virtue who hadn’t first spent quality time at NOUS and shows uncanny interest in the course.
In fact, if you look more critically, you will agree with me that as with everything political, how you achieve this end does not matter. If you like, ‘sort’ all the way at NOUS but ensure you acquire patience. It is only with patience that you can be a man, politically. ‘The good politician’ betrays no emotions, no matter the pains, when his/her time has not yet come. (S)he stoically waits for the right time to show his/her true colours, and meanwhile swallows insults with supernatural calmness.
With eyes fixed on the target, (s)he knows it is just a matter of time before (s)he grabs the last laugh which in politics is the best thing since ice cream. That’s why an alarming majority of politicians, who were known to be goodness personified before and during election or appointment, become 180-degree animalified after taking office. They are compelled by their memory of all the electorate put them through. Those who first seek and achieve political patience have every other thing (power, fame, position, money, authority, etc.) added on to them.
Let’s round off today by treating Law Number Nine: Ignore People You Don’t Need. At NOUS, ‘Course 105: Anatomy & Physiology Of Human Relations’ is dreaded by all and sundry. But, the double-edged-sword course is compulsory. It had to be compulsorised because it used to be leprously-ignored.
Politicians kept away from it since it tended to publicise their trickery. They sell a dummy all the time but want no one to know or talk about it. The guys are just impossible. They force yoyo bitters down our throats and stand by to wish that we keep a straight face if we cannot manage a smile.
Learn to ignore people you don’t need as well as those you need when it is not yet time for you to use them. Your phone line is an important tool in this scheme of work. Develop the capacity and ability to wear a wry smile while it rings on and on. Peep at the set when it starts to ring, and look away once you confirm it is one of those ‘parasites’ who never allow you to rest.
Remember, you must never tire to peep anytime the set rings anew. Or you’d miss an important call that you, yourself, have expected forever. Life is like that: people try to reach you to no avail; you also try to no avail to reach others. That’s what I call ‘du mi ah du yu, God no go vex.’
However, if you suddenly need someone you have ignored lately, simply select-delete that memory. Call up him/her; that is if (s)he is too much for one of your numerous Personal Assistants to. Thankfully, in politics there are very few of such people once you are the power-holder. If such a one grumbles that you have been ignoring or avoiding him/her, raise your voice to swear with your hands in the air, tongue out, that you never ever knew (s)he called.
Make to hand him/her your handset to check call log. Ramble on and on how indispensable the person is in your life. At least one of two things must happen: either the person will stupidly say, ‘I knew you can’t treat me like that; you are not that kind of person’ or, if (s)he is really a political ‘mugu,’ you can even become pitied and apologised to. Politics!
Never forget that this particular law also requires eye/body language expertise. Betray nothing no matter what. Plus, you must become a hide and seek virtuoso. Only be available to those you need, and only when you need them.
… Continued next Monday
