Mr John Olawuyi, a Minna-based estate agent and his wife, Mrs Abigail John Olawuyi, have been married for 31 years. Their marriage has had its share of ups and downs. But through it all, love, mutual trust and great faith in God have been able to see the couples through all their challenges. In this interview in Minna, the couples shared with JOHN ADAMS the secret of their long-lasting marriage, despite life’s vicissitudes. They believe that if every couple, whether old or newly married, would also follow in their footsteps, God helping them, their own marriage too would turn out well.
Could you share with us how the journey started?
Mr John: It started in 1983. But we got married in 1991. That is to say, the courtship lasted for eight years.
How did you meet? Who made the first move?
Mr John: We met at a naming ceremony. Immediately I sighted her, something told me that I had met my wife. Initially, she turned down my request when I approached her. But I didn’t give up. I followed her up and, after much persistence, she caved in.
When he proposed, why didn’t you yield initially?
Madam Abigail: I didn’t want the boyfriend and girlfriend thing. I knew that my father would not accept such a thing. But he kept on assuring me that he was not coming to me for that kind of relationship. He made me know that he seriously wanted to get married to me. I agreed to some extent. But we were not seeing each other regularly except through letter writing. That was the situation until I came to Minna for my studies. That was after he helped me secure admission into the School of Midwifery. After that, he was always coming to see me in the hostel. All the same, I was a bit sceptical because in my family, I was the only girl; the rest were all boys. Again, my father had always wanted me to marry a Nupe man, though my mother was a Yoruba woman. At the end of the day, that was exactly what happened: my father was seriously against the relationship. He said I must bring a Nupe man because he was not going to allow me to marry a Yoruba. I told him that I didn’t have any Nupe man as a boyfriend. It was not funny at all because he refused to talk to me for some time. In fact, when my husband’s people came to see him, he refused to welcome them. But with time and prayers, things began to take their natural course and he accepted.
Why did you decide to stick to your husband in spite of your father’s opposition?
Madam Abigail: I didn’t want to disappoint my husband at that point. I was already in love with him. I didn’t have any problem with him as a person. I saw the commitment in him towards me. The problem was with my father. My mother had no problem with him too: she never for once opposed the relationship.
How were you able to overcome the initial opposition from your father-in-law?
Mr John: I was not disturbed because I knew that my wife had already accepted the relationship. You see, when a woman loves you, there is nothing anybody can do about it. That is why love must come first in a relationship. It is very important. After that, every other thing is secondary. In fact, the marriage would have come up much earlier. But because of that initial opposition, it was delayed. But within that period, we decided to enter into serious prayers. And God saw us through.
Were you in any other relationship before you met your wife?
Mr John: Not at all. That was why I devoted all my time and energy to the relationship. I did not come for a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship.
Looking back today, how has the journey been?
Mr John: We have to thank God. But you know, every journey has its own challenges. It has been both smooth and rough. Rough in the sense that I lost my job at a point and the burden of taking care of the family rested on my wife. But gradually things began to get better for me again. I became financially stabilised. At a point, she too lost her job. She was in the Air Force before. But at a point my mother took ill and she went home to take care of her. She stayed with my mother until she died. Within that period, she was declared AWOL (Absent Without Official Leave) by the Nigerian Air Force. That was how she didn’t return. These were the rough moments of the marriage. Otherwise, the journey has been very smooth. There is no regret whatsoever about getting married to each other.
How did the trying period make you feel?
Mr John: Of course, I am a human being. I was worried. But I knew we would overcome it. We didn’t give up; we knew that every marriage has its challenges. But your ability to manage the situation is what matters.
You didn’t wonder whether you had made a wrong choice in marriage when you lost your job?
Madam Abigail: Not at all. I knew that I would get another job when I left the Air Force because of my profession as a medical worker. When I left the Air Force in Makurdi, Benue State, I got offers from some private clinics in Suleja and later in Minna. I worked with private clinics for some time. But today I am with the Federal University of Technology (FUT) Health Service Department as the Head Nurse.
Are you saying that you had no regret about losing your job because of your marriage?
Madam Abigail: I had no regret; it never bothered me for one day. As I said, I knew I would always get attached somewhere because of my profession.
So what is special about your husband as to make you stick out your neck for him?
Madam Abigail: His love and sincerity towards me. When he met me the first time, he told me straightaway that he wanted to marry me. Since that day, he has kept his word. He told me from the first day that he was not coming to me for a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. He is a straightforward person and that was why I was ready to sacrifice everything for him.
But has there been any point in the past 31 years of this marriage that you felt disappointed getting married to him?
Madam Abigail: I can’t remember because he is not the type of person that gets angry easily over little things. Rather, it is me that was always on the edge. I am quicker at getting angry at things than he is. It is such that if there was any communication breakdown, he would be the person to approach me, to say, ‘Mummy, why are you taking this little matter too far? Remember the children are looking at us and it is not good?’ Our disagreement never lasts more than 24 hours. He is a fantastic husband; he is always open to me. He is always there for me, including helping to wash my uniform when I come back from work tired. That is the truth. He engaged himself in some domestic work just to help me when the children were in school. My husband cooks sometimes when I am at work.
What do you think has kept this marriage going?
Mr John: First of all, it is the grace of God. No matter how perfect you are, you need God’s grace in your marriage. Secondly, there has been honesty and unbroken communication between us. At every point in time, my wife knows where I am and I know where she is. We try to keep each other informed of every move or decision we want to take. Honesty and sincerity have been our gospel. Thirdly, you can achieve a lot through genuine love. Thank God today our children are following our footsteps in their homes.
What are the things you’ve had to bear to see this marriage succeed?
Mr John: The only sacrifice has been to make myself available to her. As an estate consultant, I have more time to myself than she does. Her job is more demanding than my own so I usually devote my free period to helping her at home, including taking care of the children whenever she was at work. When you make yourself very available to a woman, she can go to any length for you as a wife.
From your experience, why do you think marriages crash?
Madam Abigail: It is mostly due to a lack of love and trust between each other. A successful marriage is one built on mutual love and trust; when these two things are lacking in a marriage, you can easily predict the end from the beginning. Lack of proper communication is also a huge factor that leads to a crash in marriage. This is an institution that requires constant communication between the two people involved. That way, the husband and wife can understand each other and also resolve issues. Couples should remember that they are coming from different backgrounds. Therefore, you need to understand each other, and that can only be achieved through communication. Above all, if there is love and honesty, there is nothing a man cannot do for his wife and there is nothing the wife cannot do for her husband. It is a moral law.
How were you able to manage your in-laws?
Madam Abigail: Actually, it was not easy, when we got married. There was a little delay and we were looking up to God to bless us with the fruit of the womb. There were serious challenges from my in-laws. There were so much noise and distraction that I was really troubled and frustrated at a point. But the good thing was that my husband never listened to them in their agitations. He kept on encouraging me and we were both praying seriously toward it. I was actually traumatised at that period. But God eventually intervened and I think that was the only time I had a problem with my in-laws.
Did the coming of children create a distance between you and your husband?
Madam Abigail: The love and the attention remained the same. We did not allow the coming of the children to create any distance between us. In fact, their coming was the climax of the marriage. He never allowed the burden of taking care of the children and the house to be on me alone. I enjoyed his helping hand in the house. Whenever I was doing one thing, he would be doing the other one. It was like a division of labour in the house; it has been fantastic.
What is your advice to married couples or intending couples, going by your experience?
Madam Abigail: Honestly, marriage is sweet. We are not supposed to endure but to enjoy it. So my advice to couples and to intending couples is there must be love first; two, there must be honesty between the two. Communication, as I said earlier must be sustained in marriage. Let the couples be open to each other. Don’t hide anything from each other. Above all, they should always be patient with each other, especially when things are not going well in home. There are always challenges of life but they don’t last forever. With mutual understanding, you can always overcome.
What is your advice for young married men or for those looking forward to getting married?
Mr John: Those already in the marriage should always remember their first love to their wives before they got married. Love should not have an expiry date; always love your wife. There should be constant communication between you and your wife; it solves a lot of problems in the home. Try to build trust and don’t hide anything from her. Where there is no trust, it could lead to many things. The same thing is applicable to intending husbands.
Going back to the old love, when last did you show your wife love?
Mr John: I show her love almost every day. I like to buy things for her no matter how small, and she always appreciates it. This can only happen where there is love.
When last did you buy a gift for your husband or surprised him with something special?
Madam Abigail: Each time I see anything good I buy for him. Again, not too long ago, I surprised him on his 60th birthday. He was not expecting it. There are many other occasions that I surprised my husband with gifts.
What do you think is the reason many young girls nowadays are not married?
Madam Abigail: Too many things could be responsible: an attitude that could be traced to their backgrounds. There is no girl that does not want to get married. But for some of them, their attitude towards men is largely responsible. Again, some working-class girls live a flamboyant life, which tends to scare men away from them. I don’t think the economy has anything to do with it; you can’t keep what your resources cannot manage.