When that daddy is not your real daddy

In a video that went viral recently, a man who is resident in Canada, but left his family in Nigeria,  suffered unimaginable heartbreak after he discovered that he was not the biological father of the four children, who had known him as their daddy since birth. Peter (not his real name) had laboured to build a better life for himself and was ready to return home to take his family and relocate to Europe, where he planned to start a new life. But he got the shock of his life when the embassy demanded DNA test as compulsory requirement to prove his fatherhood of the four children before they would be issued visas. The result of the test, done at a designated laboratory, was sent directly to the embassy. Hell was let loose when consular officials informed him that the test proved that he did not father the children. Wild with rage, Peter descended on Beatrice, his wife of many years and beat her black and blue, causing her to lose four teeth. Blood gushed freely from the battered face of his wife, who was left with the humiliating lifetime scar of infidelity.

Peter screamed out loud, “So you have been deceiving me all these years? I have been a fool training another man’s children with my love, care, attention, resources and paying all bills stupidly. You that orchestrated this deceit, dishonesty and fraud will not go unpunished,” as he hit her hard before the intervention of the security personnel at the embassy who rescued Beatrice from the blows of embittered Peter.

In another similar incident that happened in the Ejigbo area of Lagos State, Olushola had worked tirelessly, day and night in Los Angeles, United States of America, married an American girl to procure a legalised stay and later divorced her. The resident permit (Green Card) was meant to enable him file papers to bring over his wife and five children to the United States. As part of the requirements for a visa, DNA test showed that Olushola was the biological father of two out of the five children presented as his children. The other three were obvious products of infidelity. Olushola abandoned all of them at the embassy and returned to the US immediately. Family and friends pleaded that he should take the two children fathered by him and leave the wife with the other three. Sola cut all links and chose a life of celibacy.

Yet another man, Thaddeus, had two boys and three girls. The first son who was 19 years had fallen ill and required blood transfusion. The loving father volunteered to donate the blood. As part of the diagnostic investigation blood group matching showed that he was not the biological father of the ailing teenager. Unconvinced, he demanded that DNA test be done on the boy and the other four. The result proved that he fathered the four children. He went away with the four that were his and left the wife with the first son. Now, because the man and woman were Pentecostal believers, pastors and church members got involved and both were spoken to at different times. It was at such meeting that the woman revealed she became pregnant for a boy she met at the orientation camp during the national youth service programme in Rivers State. The pregnancy was in the early stage when she met her husband, who was a young pharmacist working in a leading pharmacy in the state then. She said: “When I weighed the two men in my life, I knew that the pharmacist was better positioned to take care of me. So I pushed the pregnancy to him and he accepted since we had also started sleeping together.” The pastor condemned the sister entirely and reprimanded her so hard. He then asked: “So what will be the faith of a 19-year-old son who has called your husband ‘Daddy’ all his life? Why did you not open up to him when marriage was about to be consummated? Should we go in search of your youth corps boyfriend to return his son to him? How do you think the boy would feel now that he is aware that ‘daddy’ is not his daddy? How will the younger ones handle the situation? Can your husband forgive this level of deception and dishonesty?”

Last year, infidelity also led a middle-aged Okada rider residing in Ikotun-Igando Local Council Development Area, Lagos, to snuff out the life a 12-year old boy and also killed himself to end the blight of infidelity which he battled over the years. Neighbours deserted the area the moment it happened before police cordoned off the compound. A bold friend of his spilled the beans: “The man never accepted the victim as his son, but his wife pushed him to accept him. To him, a biological child is different from a relative or a maid and the records must be put straight.”

I recall what happened some years ago, when we travelled for the Christmas season. Abigail, my colleague and friend, visited my community, which is her maternal home. I took her to greet my father. Then I asked my father happily, ‘Do you know her mother?’ He gave me that look that seemed to say, ‘Between you and I, who should know better and immediately mentioned her mother’s pet name in the community, her father and his other relatives. Next, my father said, “Look at her face; you will see the striking resemblance of her mother in her own prime age.” That was when most women could be vouched for even in the absence of a man; his woman would close up and wait for her husband.

Really, infidelity is tearing couples apart. It is only a woman that can reveal the true identity of the father of her children. There are so many husbands who are nurturing other men’s children without any inkling that they are not their biological fathers. Apart from careless teenage pregnancies, a woman would always know the true father of her children because she alone knows who she slept with. It is not about being smart, nature has made it so.

Deception and infidelity are bad situations that leave very bitter taste whenever discovered. They both hurt and reduce the man. When men stray to have children outside their matrimonial homes, and after such children discover their fathers, they are happy to associate with them. Except in situations where babies were switched at birth, women always know their children’s biological history.

Identity of children is time-honoured, strong and long tradition and tie that is guarded jealously because of future occurrences both in life and death. It leads from one generation to other and men do not like to break the chain. In some communities, children whose identity are soiled by infidelity cannot boldly participate in taking traditional decisions and cannot raise their heads where it matters.

The mother of Chukwuebuka James returned with him as a toddler to her maiden home, where he was nurtured until he became a man. James always felt uncomfortable with the way his maternal relations treated him. His uncles would sell property and share the money among them and give him nothing. Even when ladies from the kindred were given out in marriage, he was not given a portion of the gifts presented by the groom’s families. In that confusion, he confronted his mother with a long knife and demanded to know his true identity. His mother broke down in tears and told him. James went in search of his real father; the moment he discovered his root, his joy knew no bounds as he reunited with his paternal family where he could have a say.

Clearly, both men and women engage in infidelity, which is sinful, immoral and destructive. For married women, it is becoming common and the new norm to be unfaithful in their marriage. Some women claim that their husbands cannot impregnate them while some in the process of romance are left with unwanted pregnancies which might be too risky to terminate. Even in the olden days when men were into serious polygamy, their women closed up ranks and waited for their romantic night.

Infidelity has never been part of progress or nor anybody given award for it. How some women would carefully conceal an illegal pregnancy and deceive a man they live with is a story for another day.

In a situation where a couple cannot produce a child together after trying out other numerous options, the best alternative is to agree and go for a legal adoption instead of such height of deceit. Some men who frown at adoption have also allowed their wives to stray and get impregnated by another man while they wear a straight face, rejoice and nurture the resulting baby. Such men have no business with DNA tests.

Dear Nigerian women, it is wrong to deceive a man in this way. If you must sleep around, then leave the matrimonial home and be on your own and nobody will question you about what you are doing. Do not hide under the roof of a man and commit such heinous atrocity.