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Dear njigirl,
My wife of 15 years seems to be against me in everything I do. I have been noticing that whenever we are with friends she puts me down as if she is joking but I am actually tired of it.
This has been going on for several years but all along I overlooked it. Something happened that made me realize she really disliked me and wanted me out of her life. We were at a friend’s picnic and my friend’s brother was grilling. When I came around they both started laughing. My friend’s brother made a funny face about me and she concurred and went ahead to say, “Please don’t let him get near the chicken, he will surely mess it up” and they both burst out laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes. I stood there like a fool wondering why I had become the subject of ridicule.
I let that slide but I was very troubled. On our way home later I asked my wife what happened and she said, well you can hardly do anything right and everybody knows it. Something snapped in me and I stopped the car and asked her to repeat what she said. My wife said; “I was praying for a day that you will notice that I no longer love you and I want out.” This was nearly 10 months ago. I found out that she and my friend’s brother had been lovers for three years and all our mutual friends knew it except me. I have been busy working to put food on the table and shelter over our heads but I didn’t realize my marriage was in comatose.
Njigirl, I am not asking how to fix my marriage, it is already dead. The humiliation is too much! I am asking you to educate folks on how to keep their marriage. Let them not sacrifice happiness for anything. I already made my mistake. I was busy closing deals in France one week and the next week I was in Hong Kong. I am away for as long as three months straight and when I get home I just sleep the entire time. I just neglected her but all the bills were paid on time and she had extra to spend on anything she wanted.
Because of work, I drove my wife into another man’s arms. I don’t hate her; I blame myself for what went wrong. I made the wrong choices and now I am paying the price. I am so sorry I made her suffer even after she found comfort in the hands of my friend’s brother. I should have released her but I was blind. Please tell your readers to be there physically as well as emotionally. ■ Femi
Dear femi,
What a heart wrenching story that you shared. How brave you are to want others to learn from your own experiences, how very noble of you.
I wonder why your wife would live in deceit and misery for three years and not explode. I am so confused by her actions. I am also confused that your friend and others within your circle knew this and did not say anything to you. How could these people live in so much pretense, deceit and fantasy and act as though nothing was wrong? You have been through so much and you are still gracious enough to feel something for your wife. I don’t think your wife deserves you at this point. I understand that she was in pain due to your absence but when she began dating your friend’s brother and did not have the nerve to let you know it was over. She could have told you but she allowed herself to suffer guilt and allowed you to be humiliated. Who does that? You didn’t say if you have children; how old are they and what did they say?
I am so sorry that you were treated in this way. Now let us address the crux of the matter.
You confess that you were working so much to put food on the table that you didn’t notice that your wife “needed” you. Oftentimes couples make the mistake of placing priorities on the job that they forget to balance the job and family. It looks like you forgot birthdays, anniversaries, and just those special days that bonded you together like the date you discovered that you were carrying your first child. Women care about these dates and these moments. Your wife may be lucky that she married such a hard workingman but there is a side of her that wished for your attention. Do you know how disappointing it could be when you get the package that reads: “From me to me” for the 15th consecutive time? Oh yes some women have become very creative that for every anniversary they purchase a nice gift and head to the post office to mail it to themselves. By this time the post office clerks already know her name.
Do you know how lonely that could be? So you did all that for what? To lose your family to your friend’s brother who was “there” holding her hand, saying her name in the most romantic manner, asking her about work and offering to pick up dinner so she does not exhaust herself more than she already did at work.
Where were you? You were closing that deal in France one week and another in Hong Kong the next week. You have not been home for three months straight and when you finally get home you are exhausted that you sleep the entire time. By the time you begin to recover it is time to head back out. Of course you infuriated your wife and she felt like she was just a part of the furniture. One can say that she did what she had to do to survive emotionally. I am just surprised that she carried such an emotional burden for three years without crumbling. I am also not happy that she let your friends in on her little dark secret allowing them to feel pity for you. You are right in that you felt humiliated.
As much as you want others to have the benefit of hindsight, I hope that you have also learnt your lesson and that when you are ready to get into a relationship, that you most certainly would do it differently. Good luck and thanks so much for sharing.
■ Dr. NJ
