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Amaka Nicholas
A sexless marriage is a union with little or no sexual activity between couples. It’s a marriage where spouses are living like roommates with little or no form of sexual intimacy.
When I say sexless marriage, it’s not just about weeks or a few months of no sex, like couples do when children start coming into the picture, or when they are apart due to distance, I am talking married couples living under the same roof and haven’t had sex for over 1, 2, 3, 4 years and even more in some cases.
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It may be accompanied by many nights of humiliating rejection. Unfortunately, this is one of the most shameful secrets some married couples never reveal. They hide this state of their marriage from family and friends alike to avoid shame.
Sex is an indescribable intense pleasure and one of the most powerful components that makes marriage interesting. Couples who are not having sex are missing out on the bonding moments in marriage.
Some cases of sexless marriages start off little by little until the sex life of the couple involved hit rockbottom. There are couples who just out of the blues severe every sexual ties with their partners for reasons best known to them. If it is mutual, there’s no problem.
It is usually of little concern when a couple is really not interested in having sex with each other, it only becomes a problem if one partner has no interest whatsoever, while the other is very much interested and desperately in need of intimacy. Withholding or denying such a partner sex in a marriage may bring them indescribable pain.
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A sexless marriage breaks people like nothing else. Constantly being denied sex by a spouse leaves your mind wandering in confusion. Unfortunately, some of these people who deny their partners sex come up with flimsy excuses such as not being in the mood, being tired or chanting that sex is not food. Some will even claim to be on 180 days prayers and fasting just to escape any form of intimacy with their sexually starved spouses.
Sex is what gives life to a marriage, and lack of it destroys it. You hurt, you stop spending time together, jokes are no longer funny, and the bond between you and your spouse gradually starts to fade, your marriage suffers.
Possible reasons for sexless marriage include sexual incompatibility where one partner is too big or too small. The man may be a one-minute man, his woman may be too wide, they might have low sex drive, high libido, erectile dysfunction etc.
Another reason for a sexless marriage is vaginismus, also known as painful sex. Personal hygiene, being overweight, being a boring and unromantic partner may affect a couple’s sex life.
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Anger, resentment, passive aggression, side effects of medication, addiction to self sex and pornography, depression, history of sexual abuse, sexually transmitted infection, homosexuality, and infidelity may also lead to a sexless marriage.
Sex matters a great deal in marriage and denying your spouse sex is a very frustrating and confusing experience to endure. The physical withdrawal alone is torturous, but worse is the emotional trauma that the person you swore to love till you breathe your last all of a sudden becomes a total stranger in bed.
If you are the spouse withholding sex, what exactly is your game plan? For how much longer would you deny your partner their conjugal right? I hope you will be comfortable if they go outside to seek sexual satisfaction?
If you insist on not having sex, do you want them to remain faithful and married to you? You are simply cold blooded, selfish and heartless. You had better start communicating, open up to your spouse, tell them the truth and stop taking their love and loyalty for granted.
It may not be easy at first trying to rekindle your lost sex life but you both need to make that conscious effort to have a healthier and more intimate marriage. Put sex on your schedule. You may also consider seeing a certified sex therapist or a professional counselor.
If sex is painful, your partner lacks good hygiene, is overweight or turns you off, then open up. If you are denying your partner sex because you have a sexually transmitted infection and you are trying to protect them from getting infected, it is better you let them know.
For those with low libido and erectile dysfunction due to certain medication or no known reason, consult your medical doctor together as a couple for proper guidance.
Factor your partner into whatever you may be going through, they will either go through it with you or they quit, whichever way, you won’t have to live with the guilt of keeping them in the dark and acting wickedly.
And if you have held on faithfully or you even strayed a few times for the months or years of sexual denial, it is time you stopped begging your spouse for sexual attention if they are not willing to have sex with you. Something has to give, help them decide what works best for you from now on. And if they open up to you eventually and it is something that requires you to step up in certain aspects, it is best you step up.
See a sex therapist or counselor if your spouse is willing to give it a try. If it is a medical condition, give them all the necessary support; but if the truth is a deal breaker and a no-go-area for you, kindly file for divorce and move on.
