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In all honesty, marriage is supposed to be a fundamental relationship between a husband and wife. One keeps wondering why spouses lay siege on their marriage. In most relationships, some couples live like flat mates, thereby weakening, and even destroying, the bond that should be between them.
In such challenged marriages, intimacy has flown out of the window. You find that spouses are regretting being married to their partners due to one reason or the other.
Recently, I stumbled on a Facebook post by blogger, who threw a poser: “If there is reincarnation, would you marry your present partners? The responses left one in awe. The level of negative confessions was shocking.
One of the netizens wrote: “The introduction of the social media is the reason intimacy appears to be reducing or even lacking in marriages. Both men and women hide their phone relationships from each other. It has made trust between couples to wane. As they hide their phones suspicions rise. As suspicion rises, tempers also rise, leading to physical squabbles. This is the first reason intimacy vanished from marriages.
Unfortunately, men and women are now replacing their spouses with their smartphones. Where there is transparency, couples spouses should not hide their phones from each other.
Now, for those men who think they can command respect while idling away might lose intimacy with their women. Some men find it difficult to understand that the more bills a woman pays, the less attractive intimacy with the husband becomes to her. This is not because the woman does not want love or that she is too independent. It is because every time she covers the bills and deals with sudden life emergencies thrown at her, she reminds herself that she is already carrying everything alone.
She knows that survival does not wait for help. That strength does not ask for permission. That she had no choice but to become self-sufficient, whether she is married, wanted or not. As she pays her bills, intimacy takes a back seat in her life.
Husbands should know that it is their duty to take care of their wives. You married her as your life partner, not as a maid, who should depend on others for her maintenance. For a wife, her husband is everything. Some motivational speakers have encouraged men not to let their women cry because her tears contain 1 percent of water and 99 percent of feelings. When that tear rolls down freely, the man will not be at peace.
A woman’s intimacy and happiness stop on the table of her man. The softer a husband speaks, the gentler his wife becomes. The more honest he is, the deeper her love grows. The more open he is, the stronger her trust feels. A wife is often a reflection of how her husband treats her. How he respects her, loves and leads her with kindness. She will mirror it back in ways you never imagined.
Unfortunately, when a man enters into a woman’s life talking about love but offering no real partnership, no contribution, no leadership, no willingness to share the weight, intimacy will not be found in their relationship.
When a woman finds herself in such relationship and the husband is not a blessing, but instead another bill to pay. A chore that drains on energy.
Truth is that love without effort is the reason intimacy is hard to find in some relationships. It feels like another obligation on the woman. Affection without support is more like an empty noise. Men who want the benefits of being with a woman without adding value to their lives will always feel like dead weight.
Again, this is not to say that all women are perfect, but there is a certain level of confidence a woman needs from her man. A woman who has been holding it down alone is not bitter. She is simply tired. She is tired of doing everything and still being expected to smile, nurture, pour, cater for and submit to a man. She is tired of being told to let a man lead when the man has no direction. She is also tired of being made to understand that she feels like asking for stability and consistency is too much.
There is no woman who enjoys paying bills not to talk of paying alone. It is also part of the reason couples sleep on the same bed but have no closeness. Men who are ‘mere lover boys’ whose sugar-coated tongues pay their bills should not dream of intimacy. Those who speak like this, “I miss you. You are my forever love. I can die because of you,” cannot pay any bill. Telling cock and bull stories, talking about all the attempted and failed businesses will not help to offset the loans she took to sort out a few things. A woman in this situation will not desire intimacy with a man. She is enough intimacy all by herself.
Ijeoma was introduced to Basil, who returned from United States for his father’s burial. They got interested in each other and decided to marry. Following the marriage, Ijeoma resigned from the bank, where she was working and relocated to join her husband, a naturalized US citizen. Unfortunately, Basil despite being a citizen was a loafer.It wasn’t long after that Ijeoma discovered that her husband was filled with empty pride, always throwing in the fact that he is a citizen into an little argument between them. At such moment, he would remind Ijeoma how he brought her to the US. “Will bringing me to the US pay our bills. A grown man who still feeds from his parents,” which would retort. In this kind of marriage, how would intimacy happen between the husband and his wife?
Those men who tell their women, ‘let me pull up’ with nothing in the boot of their car does that ease the pressure she carries daily? Sweet words with no action fall flat on a woman who knows how to show up for herself.
A man who wants access to her body, her energy, her time while bringing nothing but good vibes and excuses can never enjoy intimacy. A man who thinks a woman’s independence is an invitation to be lazy. A man who assumes her strength means she will accept struggling love should never dream of intimacy.
The more a woman holds on her own, the more she realizes she is not interested in adding a man who makes her life heavier. No woman would be glad to teach a grown man how to show up. She is not interested in explaining what partnership actually means.
Women who found themselves in such drab relationships are not too independent, masculine or hard to love. They are simply unwilling to settle for a relationship that feels like an extra burden on them. A woman wants blessing in her relationship, not burden.
Men should know that their wives are their responsibilities. If you cannot keep them smiling, but want intimacy, you are adding to the wound in her soul. If you cannot lift her up with praises, do not lower her self-esteem. If you cannot guide her to heaven, do not pass sin on to her. She is not a servant; she is a responsibility that will be questioned before God. Make her feel like she is the boss, give her a magical hug.
Dear Nigerian men, if you want a place in an accomplished woman’s life, do not just talk about being a man. Be a real man. Give her peace, protection, stability and effort that speaks for itself. Bring something that makes her life softer, not harder. If she is already paying for everything, doing everything, handling everything, and all you want is intimacy, cuddling and kissing, I am sorry, these might not come your way because you are not bringing anything to the table.
A woman who learnt to survive without help is not looking for another dependant. She is looking for a partner. A teammate. A man whose presence lightens her load.
