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The horrible deterioration in Nigeria’s security situation, coupled with the worsening economy, is prompting many citizens to fixate on migrating to Western countries. In an alarming way too, many Nigerian couples who relocate overseas are breaking up, oftentimes because of inability to properly adjust to the reality of the challenges in the new environment.
One can agree that when couples relocate, they are hit by intense stress in their new locations that can fracture a stable relationship. It is so easy to dislike one’s partner than to increase the tempo of the love with foreign challenges. Again, when couples leave behind their extended families, lifelong friends, and familiar community networks, it forces them to rely solely on each other for emotional support. This can raise the feeling of isolation in a new environment that feels indifferent or culturally cold. In such circumstances, the pressure of marriages doubles. There are lots of issues that could be handled by families, friends and associates.
When the dream of a better life abroad does not match the reality, partners often blame each other, leading to the breaking of their shared future. Notwithstanding, there are also many success stories of emigrants who made something awesome out of their lives in a foreign country. However, many sad stories are also hidden behind the shadows of the good ones. All these could be quite challenging for families that did not prepare themselves very well before relocating.
On social media, the story of Johnson and Jane trended recently. The young couple decided to relocate to Canada. While conversing with her mother, Jane said to her: “I lost my husband the day we arrived in Canada.”
Jane said no one told her that marriages could be buried in cold foreign soil. She said it started with little things. She said that her husband was frustrated because back home, Johnson worked as an Executive Director with a blue chip company, where he was admired and respected. In the new country, no one cared about his title. His degree meant nothing as he was just another immigrant with no Canadian experience.
Jane’s words: “He was at home waiting for a miracle while I did cleaning jobs in offices. My husband scrolled through his phone all day neglecting starting points. Then the blame started: ‘Only if I had known, I would have remained in Nigeria instead of coming here to suffer; you think you are better than me now because you have started earning in dollars.’
“When I began to hear these words, I knew he was up to some other things. He started spending nights without explanations. He said he was networking. Other times, he would come back with the strong smell of alcohol. It became a problem. Paying all the bills fell on me, he became a guest in the home. Next was the eviction notice because rent was not paid for some months. I never knew he was spending money I sent him for rent on his new girlfriend. In fact, our relationship nosedived because of Johnson’s irreconcilable attitude. While he was not working, not making provisions, yet he was not appreciative and polite in attitude. It got so bad that one of the days he went out, I packed his bags and asked him to move out; it was a shock to him. ‘You cannot ask me to move out because I am your husband,’ he said. I replied that my husband was dead and I had mourned him long ago.”
In the same vein, Ikechukwu and Nnenna went their separate ways after six years of being together as a couple. Ike was the son of a rich prominent Igbo man and citizen of the world. On one of his trips to his village in Anambra while on a visit to Nigeria, he met Nnenna and they got married with the consent of their parents. Nnenna was the first of a set of ladies to work with new generational banks. She left her lucrative banking job and joined her husband who was barely doing anything. Getting to the US, she enrolled for the Bachelor of Nursing degree. She passed the board exams and became a State Registered Nurse. She went further and got the Master’s degree, all funded by herself and her siblings. With her high grades, Nnenna got a good nursing job. Meanwhile, Ike’s CV was ‘I am a citizen of the world.’ He simply refused to academically upgrade himself, refused to take menial jobs while Nnenna paid the bills. When an argument ensued between them, Ike said, ‘Your nursing salary in six figures is the reason you nurses are killed in America.’ For Nnenna, the statement was the stroke that broke the camel’s back. Discreetly, Nnenna bought a house through a mortgage in another city and quietly moved away with her children.
Interestingly, there are so many issues with couples in foreign lands. Recently, Dr. Kofi Akamani, 48, a Forestry Professor at Illinois University (SIU), was fatally shot in Jackson County, Illinois by his estranged wife, Betty Akamani 35, a Psychology doctoral student. Investigators reported that Prof. Akamani was shot five times. Six spent shell casings were recovered at the scene. The shooting happened inside his car after he dropped his children at his house. Reports said they were going through divorce and his wife ended the man and buried their marriage in a foreign soil.
Many marriages have been buried in foreign soil due to one challenge or the other, especially when money was involved. Take the case of Tunde and Yemisi, relocated to the United Kingdom hoping to make it big. But within years of settling, sharing the bills became a major issue because Yemisi earned higher as a qualified nurse. They had issues that led to domestic violence. For inflicting injury on his wife, he was arrested; he fought back by informing the officers that his wife was working with forged documents. Both of them were deported to Nigeria immediately. The moment they landed in Nigeria, the marriage ended. The issue of custody of their three took them to court, which eventually ruled that they should co-parent without defaults.
African men who choose to relocate to foreign countries need to be mentally prepared for the reality of starting all over. Most of the ladies are quick to adjust and pick menial jobs immediately. The men struggle abroad because they are used to a system where their status as providers is tied to respect. When their status is stripped away, they feel lost and insecure. If they humble themselves and take whatever job that is available, it will keep them engaged and give them a sense of purpose.
In the same vein, knowing that marriage is teamwork, couples should prioritize communication. Marriage is a partnership, especially in a new country where both parties need to adjust. They should see themselves as allies; face their struggles together instead of being in competition. It is that competition that introduces jealousy, bitterness, hatred and acrimony. When they bond in unity, not allowing resentment to build between them, they will surely win the battle.
Again, relocation to a new country does not have to be the death of the marriage. It simply requires humility, patience, especially the willingness to adapt to a new environment. Without the togetherness and willingness, no matter how strong the love was at the beginning, the marriage may not survive the foreign challenge.
But in fairness, couples who choose to relocate should set clear expectations before they move. Many rejoice at the issuance of travel documents and purchase of valid tickets without sitting down to discuss their roles, financial responsibilities, and the changes that might come with a new culture. If they talk about these issues openly, before leaving their home countries, they will be able to navigate their transition better. I personally think the men should join the wives and study nursing without feeling any sense of shame. Within years, they would stabilize and stand strong since that is where the fat money comes from. Do not relax and call yourself ‘Empty Head of Home.’
