Last Saturday, the ritualistic two-hour weekly session at Michael BUSH Mentoring Academy for Class 2024 took another dimension. Those in attendance were directed to bring out for discussion a challenge that bedevils their lives. Topics such as forgiveness, ability to overlook trouble, between passion and money, made for great classroom discourse. Then there came: “how best should I react when someone tells me as they often do, you are not where you are supposed to be”?
It was a frontline member of the class, Mr. Mfonobong Patrick Etim, husband of one and father of three, who threw that in. Nearly all of us have got that at one point or the other. Alas, you are not where you are supposed to be is a double-edged sword which has done far more havoc than good. What is the judge or deputy God looking at when they tell you that you are operating on a frequency too below your capacity?
In an age when money has nonsensified excellence enough to dethrone it, virtue is gradually becoming more and more second place. That’s it, they are telling you to go and make money, anyhow. They are indirectly telling you that you should have many houses, many cars, more political power and much of all the other tangible proofs of a life that has arrived. And that, even if you stole or killed to acquire them!
Empty vessels are becoming more daring, much louder. People who have nothing to say now speak for a living. Avarice is the new normal. Unfortunately, everyone runs with it.
One reads and hears stuff and can’t but puke. Imagine the deeper meaning of: you are not where you are supposed to be. Whenever this writer hears or reads that silly patronising line, the temptation always is to retort: says who? Whose report are you internalising?
It’s evil or stupid or both to tell a living soul that they are not where they ought to be. Are you God? How did you know the best place for that person per time? What unit of measure was applied to arrive at such depressing, disparaging conclusion?
You are not where you are supposed to be. Shut up, and sit down. In fact, stand up and come here. Get out, disappear, just vamoose: you are fired from my space this instant.
You are not where you are supposed to be, my foot. Who gave you the power to determine the seasons or timing of life? Who made you God? Stop going around to distribute depression and discouragement in the name of motivational speaking.
To be sure, there’s a 5% drop of goodness in “you are not where you are supposed to be”. But, it has to be taught and it has to be learnt. It has to be well explained and it has to be better said. Gently encourage people to aim higher without hinting of pity, or of your success, or of the fact that they are a failure.
“You can be more” is better than “you are not where you are supposed to be”. “Have you tried this or that” is also better. When people are struggling, it’s more humane and much more effective to offer them open-ended suggestions instead of definite lord-of-the-manorlike conclusions. Never force what you consider your excellence on people, it always backfires.
Many leaders or mentors or parents or preachers or teachers are such a disaster. They think they can force value down the throat of their follower or mentee or child or congregant or student. No way, teaching is best achieved via conversation and love. If you ever wondered why one student performed differently under two different masters, now you know.
All said and done, why is “you are not where you are supposed to be” such an annoying statement? Well, beyond what has already been said, the expression is too all-knowing, too standoffish; too cynically sarcastic. It comes across as a cold sermon. Like preachment by a wicked headmaster.
Seriously though, no one should say to anyone “you are not where you should be”. For one, whoever says it sounds like a wet blanket. For two, the comment comes across as a judgement that summarily condemns. Plus, what we know about success makes nonsense of age, beliefs and the present.
Listen, I found some really interesting ad hoc stats online. Here you are. Finding 1: “At what age are most people successful”? The answer is instructive: “Contrary to popular belief, the (linkedin/pulse) study reveals that the average age of successful startup founders is between 35 and 45”.
Finding 2: “What age is the most successful entrepreneur”? Again, “the data show that instead of being in their early 20s, most successful entrepreneurs don’t reach their peak until their 40s and 50s. The average age of all entrepreneurs in the US is 42, not 20s or 30s. Top startups are founded by people with an average age of 45.9”.
There’s more. Finding 3: “At what age do most entrepreneurs become millionaires? The average age of first time millionaires is 37. In data released by Betway Insider, the average age of a first time billionaire is also revealed: and is a little higher at 51”.
Let’s round off with the findings. 4: “You’re still young enough to buy almost any car and not be accused of having some complex or mid-life crisis”. And 5: “At what age do most billionaires start? The median age of a billionaire is 67 years old”.
With those few points of mine, I know I have convinced you beyond every reasonable and unreasonable doubt to never allow anybody intimidate or humiliate anybody with “you are not where you ought to be”. Besides, no two timelines are the same. And, timeline is like DNA, everyone has something distinct, something unique. You have yours, I have mine.
Furthermore, you may wish to reflect on something fundamental embedded in the ages of the 44th, 45th and 46th presidents of the United States of America at their White House arrival. Barack Obama was exactly 47 years and 169 days old on the 20th day of January 2009. His pugnacious successor, Donald Trump, clocked in on that D-Day in 2017 at 70 years and 220 days. The last and the greatest, the incumbent, Joe Biden reported for duty at the seemingly impossible age of 78 years and 61 days.
Back home here in Nigeria, the ages of national and subnational leaders are not cast in concrete. Check out military rulers (Yakubu Gowon was 31 on 1st August 1966; Murtala Muhammed -now late- was 36 on 29th July 1975; Olusegun Obasanjo was 38 on 13th February 1976 -his first coming; Muhammadu Buhari too was 41 at his first coming on 31st December 1983 while my man, Ibrahim Babangida, arrived on 27th August 1985 aged 44). Ditto, their like-number civilian counterparts (Nnamdi Azikiwe was 58 on 1st October 1963; Shehu Shagari was 54 on 1st October 1979; Umaru Musa Yar’Adua was 55 on 29th May 2007; Goodluck Jonathan was 52 on 6th May 2010 while Aso Rock current tenant, Bola Tinubu, was 71 on 29th May 2023).
Subnationally, using my home state of Akwa Ibom as case study, no two of the five civilian governors shared the same age at the point of arrival as seen in this roll call: Akpan Isemin was 53 on 2nd January 1992; Victor Attah was half past 60 on 29th May 1999; Godswill Akpabio was en route 45 on 29th May 2007; Udom Gabriel Emmanuel was very nearly 49 on 29th May 2015 while the current kid on the block, Umo Bassey Eno, had turned 59 before taking office on 29th May 2023.
The point is that it is never too early or too late to strike gold. Similarly, would “you are not where you are supposed to be” apply as well to people who have come to the end of their success, eg. a former office holder? Why not, if not? Imagine uttering that rubbish to an ex-governor who tried to no avail to run for senate or president.
If you can’t say it to such a one, so who is the lesser being? Remember, no condition is permanent. While many start early and end early, others start late and end late. Late planting is allowed, late planting is in order.
Welcome to inside life. Protect yourself from intrinsic and extrinsic causes of depression. Don’t allow anyone talk down on you, even indirectly. And, please, whatever it takes, stay on top and in charge; no gri fo enibodi.
God bless Nigeria!