Easter Sunday, which was celebrated by many families with joy last week, however, became associated with the sad news of the death of the Special Adviser to the Delta State Governor on Trade and Export, Shimite Bello Love (nee Nwakalo), who died in circumstances yet to be unraveled.
From the story that trended on social media, it was her elder brother who found her foaming from the mouth and immediately rushed her to the hospital where she was pronounced dead on arrival.
In view of the suspicious circumstances surrounding Shimite’s death, the police allegedly arrested her husband for questioning, as Shimite was said to have been in good health the previous day, and had spoken to a family member that same day.
On Easter Sunday when people were exchanging pleasantries, she did not reply to any of the messages sent to her, which was unusual according to her family. Concern for her safety increased when her house-help called Shimite’s elder brother and expressed fear after the husband allegedly locked her up in the house throughout the day. Shimite’s brother rushed to her house but saw his sister in a frightening state, rushed her to the hospital and called the police who arrested her husband, Pastor Love.
Members of the family had complained that the husband was isolating her from friends and also preventing family members from visiting their home. As would be expected, several narratives have taken life on social media among netizens, with all kinds of stories being put out on what may have transpired before her death. There have been talks about a toxic domestic situation. And now the effervescent lady is dead.
Living with a man with low self-esteem is one of the worst things that a woman can do to herself. Living such a bitter broke man, who is a narcissist, is simply what no woman should do at all.
When a woman finds herself in marital union that has clearly broken down, the thing to do is for her to leave the toxic marriage. A marriage bereft of spousal love is like salt that has lost its savour and is only worthy to be washed down the drain of the kitchen sink with a copious amount of water!
In the face of the rapidly rising number of spousal deaths arising from toxic marital relationships, which lead to domestic violence that manifests as physical abuse, denial of liberty, manipulation, excessive control and psychological abuse, and such other negative tendencies, the mantra which has gained currency, to support victims in such situations is simply this: “Leave to live.” This is a simple advice for women who are in toxic relationships.
Let’s consider this for one moment: that a husband would willfully lock up his wife at home, thereby literally keeping her in unlawful custody may be somewhat unthinkable to some people. But this is the reality some women in toxic marriages experience. For reasons that are difficult to understand, some of those women remain in the union. This is beyond comprehension. If it is not working, take a walk, to retain your sanity, joy, peace, esteem and pursue your beautiful goals alive.
When a woman has attained financial success and the man begins to feel inadequate, what usually begins to manifest are the red flags that signpost domestic violence and marital toxicity.
It is very important that women in toxic marriages should not hold back and conceal the situation from relations. That is a no no. Don’t try to “faith it,” erroneously believing that the situation would turnaround. Yes, there might be divine intervention that miraculously births a turnaround and God gets the glory, however, in most instances this is not the case.
That is why victims of abuse in toxic marriages should always evaluate the situation with cold, calculated deliberateness of a chess player and make smart moves, to escape. Leave to live. That is it.
It is noteworthy that threat to life pushed an ordained Anglican priest to the marriage of his younger sister, to safeguard her life. Commenting on why he did it; he said: “I do not want her to die in the hands of her husband. It is getting very close to that. If not for the intervention of neighbours, she would have died recently in the hands of her so-called husband. Therefore, they need the separation because my brother-in-law has become very jealous of his wife’s and siblings’ financial success. His everyday language became “Is it because your family is rich.”
Unfortunately, it is quite unacceptable that Shimite and many other women have died in questionable circumstances – attributed to toxic marital relationships. Only psychologists can explain why some men become bitter and envious of the success of their wives. The accomplishments of a wife should ennoble the husband, not make him feel small or inadequate. Come to think of it, a real man who has more that the organ that dangles downstairs should feel self-motivated to pursue personal success in whatever field of human endeavour. This will earn him the respect, loyalty and deep affection of the wife. The wife of such a hardworking man, who is carrying himself like real man, would proudly refer to him as “Olowo Ori mi” as Yoruba women affectionately describe a husband that is dutiful, responsible and living up to his duties a husband as God purposed him to be. If God has lifted a woman, should her man rubbish and drag her in the mud? A woman that has broken the glass ceiling should be celebrated by her husband, not hated to the point of thinking to do her evil. When Eve was brought to Adam, did he not say, “This is the bone of my bones, flesh of flesh.” Obviously, Adam’s effusive declaration dripped with affection. That is the way it should be between a man and his wife.
The likes of Dr. Mrs. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala and Prof. Dora Akunyili of blessed memory, were newsmakers more than their husbands. Yet, their men coped excellently with their rise in public life and service to the nation. One is left to agonise and wonder about the breed of men with granite heart that would kill their wives. It is unfortunate that some men cannot adjust to the success of their wives. A man who genuinely says that his wife will not be richer than him, that is okay, in so far as he is working in line the Bible, which enjoins a man to provide for his household.
A man that does not appreciate the financial success of his wife is terribly missing out and clearly denying himself the key blessing provides through a wife. First, God said he would make for Adam a helper fit for him. Again, the Bible says, “a man who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favour from God.” So, a reasonable man should seek to benefit from the abundance of blessings God has deposited in a wife, from the kitchen, sitting room and the other room. Get it all, man. Enjoy it all, not get angry and hateful!!!
My advice to men is to embrace the success of their wives or wallow in abject poverty. For the women, if husband has become a churlish, bitter, angry, toxic person and has staretd to treat you badly, controlling, manipulative, generally bad and a threat to your life, P-L-E-A-S-E take a walk from the marriage. Leave to live.
Dearest ladies, a toxic bitter man can never change. For the ones who are warming up to jump into marriage, look before you leap.