Perhaps, you are the kind of person who thinks that it is strange for a widowed woman, who is 65 years old, has married children and even grandchildren, should not again feel the flutter of butterflies in her belly, brought on by the toe- tingling feeling of a new relationship.
In your old school mind, the woman who unfortunately finds herself in such a circumstance should calmly accept her fate and spend the rest of her days with that void created by the death of husband, in unromantic quietude, taking care of grandchildren. My response? “Fafafa…foul” as the irrepressible Chief Zebrudaya Okoroigwe Nwogbo of Masquerade fame would say.
That a menopausal woman is widowed does not automatically amount to her having Sahara desert dryness developing down there, below her equator. For those who have forgotten their basic geography, a woman hip region is the Tropic of Capricorn while the midriff or navel line is the equator. The Tropic of Cancer is the breast line.
Now, if widowed 65-year-old men can still start up new romantic relationships, what then gives anybody the faintest reason to assume that a 65-year-old woman cannot find new love at that age?
No one should doubt the power of the mind, which is where thoughts are formed and then turned into actions that produce results.
Consider the case of 64-year-old Mrs. Gladys Peters, who divorced her husband and remarried another man. Many old school individuals were shocked by the development – primarily because her children were married and had given her grandchildren. With the children and grandchildren, people felt that she was set for life and then age gracefully. No one imagined that she had an unfulfilled need for good companionship.
Trouble started when Mrs. Peters travelled to America for Omugwo, to take care of her second daughter who gave birth to twins. The two precious bundles of joy came after their parents had been waiting for 10 years. Expectedly, the birth of the twins brought joy. Friends, family and associates rejoiced with the new parents.
Pronto, the travel documents of Mama Peace were prepared and a US visa promptly procured. Shortly, she arrived in Houston, Texas, USA, to the joy of her children, inlaws and friends. After spending several weeks indoors, even her children felt there was a need for her to take walks around the neighbourhood, to soak in the sun and feel good. Her son-in-law, Henry, strolled with her around the neighborhood on the first few occasions, when he was not working, to familiarize her with the landmarks and enable her to learn how to get back to their home on her own. Once she could go out and come back safely, Mama got into a regular routine of going out to relax in a small recreation park within the neighbourhood. After spending some time there, she would walk back home, feeling refreshed. She enjoyed the sight-seeing walks. Her children were happy she was with them in the US. Moreover they had made adequate arrangements for the care of their father who was at home, in Nigeria.
At some point, Mama’s routine stroll began to take much longer, instead of the usual one hour. Peace became concerned when she noticed the change.
Whenever Mama returned from her prolonged outing, she always seemed happy, exceptionally happy. Peace related her observations to her husband. Peace told her husband, “As an adult, I have not seen my mother this happy.”
Interestingly, Mama began to look forward to her walk on a daily basis, during which spent more hours away from the house. Peace increasingly uncomfortable.
One day, she asked the mother: “What keeps you so long these days? Mama responded, “I like what I am seeing during my walk.” They all laughed and felt she meant the quality of recreational facilities found in an organised society.
They never that Mama, at her age, had gotten attracted to a male person. In course of her walks, Mama had fallen without anyone’s knowledge. Mama, it emerged had met Mr. Dickson Ochango, a 70 years old widower and business man from Benue State, who lost his wife to breast cancer two years earlier. Pa Ochango was left to adjust to life, living alone in the apartment he had shared with the late wife.
From time to time, his children and grandchildren visited to cheer him up.
Gradually, he began to pick up the strings of life. He took to strolling in the neighborhood. On two occasions his path crossed with that of Mama.
On the third time, they passed each other, Ochango took a second look as Mama walked past him in her fashionable tracksuit and sneakers, but continued his walk.
Then on a particular day as they met, Ochango took the initiative and said ‘Hello’ to her. While exchanging pleasantries and conversing they walked to the park and sat at a corner. They talked for four hours. It was magic. Like a movie. Two strangers suddenly bonded, and loneliness evaporated like dew after the Sun has arisen.
Their relationship grew stronger, drawing them together more often. At one time, Henry, Mama’s son-in-law saw them sitting and talking, and waved the sight away as if it were two oldies keeping each other company. From then on, the strolling sessions grew into a full romantic relationship, such that they were seen holding hands as they walked. Mama had even started to visit him at home.
When Peace saw them holding hands, she was not pleased and queried her about it: “Mummy why was that man holding you?”
Her mother’s response was simple and direct: “I love him. He is a different man.”
Peace felt like crying. She has mixed feelings for the Mom, recalling that her parents were not best of friends, and wondered how she would handle the situation.
“Did I make a mistake in bringing my mother here? So, being far away from my Dad has broken the dam of her bottled emotional feelings. Granted, I have never seen my mother this happy. This might be her only happiness before she dies. What should I do?” These thoughts ran through the mind of Peace as ponder whether she should support her mother or oppose her new found love?
Mrs. Peters, having made up her mind, decided to return to Nigeria. This made Peace happy, and seemingly lifted a burden off the burden of having a confrontation with the mother. Peace was joyful that the mother was going back to her husband. Preparations were made and finally they all saw Mama off to the airport.
Ochango also went to the airport to see off Mama Peace, his new love. And did what Peace did not expect. She said: “He walked towards my mum and planted a goodbye kiss on her. I looked at my husband and our eyes met, without a word.”
Basking in the joy of his wife returning from America, Mr Peters got a rude shock, when his wife declared to him without mincing words: “I am no longer interested in being your wife.”
The husband thought it was a joke. Mama Peace left her home, left her home, moved into a different place and from there returned to America to settle with Ochango, as they had preplanned before Mama Peace sold her family the dummy of returning to her husband.
Back in Houston, she moved into the home of Ochango as his new wife.
The news quickly spread, but turned deaf ears to the talks, gossip and entreaties. The family was so embarrassed. Her only sister courageously asked Mama Peace what was amiss and she said: “In the 34 years, I never knew love. Now I have found love. With what I have seen, even if I live with Ochango for just a year and close my eyes in death, I am satisfied.”
The weight of those words made the sister break out in cold sweat. Her fell slipped out of her and fell on the thick rug with a thud.
Now, the average person would easily condemn Mama Peace for walking away from a marriage that had produced children and grandchildren.
It is most unfortunate that most men do not realise that a woman’s heart is a sacred space, and when she gives it to a man who takes it for granted, she risks losing herself in the process. She starts questioning her own worth, wondering if she is not enough, when in reality, she is more than enough, the only problem being that she was giving her love to the wrong person.
Again, it is also known that no amount of love can change a man who does not want to be changed. No amount of patience can make an ungrateful man see the depth of a woman’s sacrifice if he refuses to open his eyes. No one teaches a man to appreciate his woman, it rather comes from inside.
Well, never lose yourself in the process of trying to make someone else whole. The right man will never let you feel like you have to choose between your happiness and his. Love should be a place of mutuality, not a sacrifice of self.
Lastly dear women, hold unto your worth, walk with grace. Most importantly, never beg for love. The man who is meant for you will never make you feel like you have to fight for his appreciation. He will cherish you effortlessly. It is also unfortunate that men refuse to see that when a woman loves, she gives with her whole heart, her time, her energy and her devotion. She sacrifices, and she believes in herself. But love cannot thrive in a space where it is not valued. Both men and women, be careful in your dealings with each other.