Love. That nice four-letter word that triggers emotion and excitement, that makes men wax poetic and pen words that leave a woman enthralled.
That same word that would make a woman give her all and more to the man she professes to love. Wars have been fought because of it. It has also united kingdoms. Romeo and Juliet died because of it. It brings two strangers from different backgrounds into a marital union. And the initial coming together does not lead to marriage, the two involved somehow build a strong, stable bond that can withstand the storms that buffet relationships.
Love stirs up romantic feelings. It can be a glue to hold two people together for the long haul.
Pause for one moment and consider this reality: love can burn like magnesium when it sours. Yes magnesium, that silvery gray that has the capacity to burn even in water! Magnesium can liberate hydrogen from water and catch fire. That is how strongly reactive this metallic element is!)
When love is on the ascendancy in a relationship, when it is at the core, it is sweet, able to produce a head spinning excitement. It is invigorating when love splashes on you like water. It simply feels good, gives you a pump of adrenaline that can make a man do a 100 meters dash like Carl Lewis, to meet the lady that has captured his heart, sending the organ beating at a fast pace.
Love is an indispensable ingredient in a relationship, an important foundation for a successful marriage.
Painfully, this same beautiful emotion that has produced fantastic couples can take a dangerous turn and produce monstrous attitudes that can lead to marital breakups.
Few days ago the breakup of the two decades old marriage of a super successful and popular comedian and his beautiful wife left many people reflecting on the attitudinal and character flaws that could have caused what was thought union to fracture irredeemable and collapse.
Yes, without a doubt, character and attitude of the spouses must have played a major role in the eventual breakup of the couple.
Character and attitude are two ingredients that can make and mar relationships. Education, wealth, good looks and smartness might add to the love story, but they also can fail married couples. Strong character, trust, and a sense of responsibility are key ingredients to good marriages. From the comedian’s wife, she allegedly said she has endured enough. Her ex-husband’s alleged recent action according to her was what broke the camel’s back. She then decided to take a long walk and moved on. Sure, families would have intervened to let the sleeping dog lie, but the lady insisted on doing it her own way out of irreconcilable differences. Looking at the various beautiful pictures of former celebrities as they radiate love, one might be forced to ask, where is the place of love in this relationship? Whatever reason that led to their marital trauma, the same love both professed failed them woefully.
Honestly, there are other needed qualities to sustain the tempo. Netizen comments claimed and alleged reckless infidelity in the life of the man. No woman would stick out her neck for an irresponsible cheating husband, no matter how much she loves him.
Concisely put, it remains a proven fact that love alone is not enough reason for the entire journey. Apart from couples, even relatives, no one takes pride in a misbehaving relative, including siblings.
In a romantic relationship, that feeling and tingling effect of liking someone or having feelings for them will definitely wear off someday when the reality sets. Then one realizes that marriage is more than just feeling, it involves a lot and needs to be built on a stronger foundation. Marriages built on feelings and emotions alone is a big crash waiting to happen.
Now, by the time two people who intend to spend the rest of their lives together have professed love; accepts that both are from different backgrounds, with weaknesses and strength, one then asks, have they activated their compatibility mode? For their marriages to work, they need to pass the hurdle of spiritual, financial, social mental and intellectual compatibility. Again, have they tested their purpose and sexual compatibilities. Without these facts, ‘I love you’ cannot pay any bill no matter how little. I love you cannot provide for the family, there are need for other things.
Now, Ifunanya and Oliver hit it heard as young undergraduates from the University of Port Harcourt in Rivers state. In fact, fellow students tagged them ‘celebrity model couple on campus.’ As youths, Oliver was a hunk, while Ify was a model beauty queen. They continued in their love tango even after school. Fast forward, marriage was announcing itself between the two based on ‘I love you’. Not until Oliver had a tractor spare parts business deal with his foreign partner, who he defrauded, the matter did not die down as police laid ambush and arrested both in the early morning. It was a red flag that exposed her lover-boy and an anticipation of what might be in future. As if stars cleared off her eyes because she has never seen police raid a home and make arrests. The truth has to be told, that she walked away from a fraudulent man and ended the relationship.
Funmi and Dotun got married, based on strong family ties. Their parents arranged their wedding thinking their names would solidify the union. Both families were big names among the Yoruba influential elites. They belonged to same social strata, wine and dine together and are movers and shakers of the societies. They were happy managing themselves in their relationship, but Funmi never wanted to see her mother-in-law eyeball to eyeball. The same smiling Funmi on her wedding day became a mini-demon at home. Every plea from her husband to work on her mindset and accept his own mother fell on deaf ear. she was never comfortable with Mama. In one of their discussions, her husband asked her what did my mum do to you? But you know she is the architect of this union and has been wishing us well. Funmi said “My spirit does not connect and accept her.” Haba! she made the poor woman her enemy from day one. When her sister’s in-law realized that their mother has been branded a witchcraft by a daughter-in-law, hell was let loose and cold was declared. Aunty Derin is Mama’s first daughter who asked Funmi, “So you pretended, came into our family and spread hatred, bitterness and jealous. Today, I lay a curse on you, so shall your own daughters-in-law dislike and disorganise your family. In all these Funmi never gave in, instead stood out and alone like a sore finger. Her own family never supported her bad character towards her new home especially her mother-in law. In fact, her own mother sent her warning letter that read “If Dotun sends you packing, do not come to me.” She claims she loves her husband but his mother disgusts her. Her attitude brought a lot of issues in their union, with time, they lived like flat mates and found their separate ways.
Interestingly, as young growing girls, boys would use poetic oxymoron like “I would climb seven mountains and swim seven seas for you’, I would catch a grenade for you’ all to profess their love for a girl, but when the pendulum begins to swing, even the love professor would see the hand writing on the wall and wonder what happened? Listen to this confession from Jane. “I almost died when I realized my husband Michael popularly known as Mickey was responsible for my younger sister’s pregnancy. While trying to internalize it, I brought out all the love letters Mickey wrote me in our heyday. He wrote me strong loving words. Today where is the love? The embarrassment was not funny. Micky lacked discipline, trust and Christ love for his family. Love alone without fear of God, discipline and responsibility is a must for a relationship to work.
Marriage is a test of emotions and skills, the first ingredient of a successful marriage for an average African man is respect for both himself and his family, healthy communication, intimacy and others.
Don’t just walk down the aisle with someone just because you have feelings for each other. Do not be deceived by movies, social media razzmatazz. Look before you leap, do not get into marriage without the proper guide. Look out for great attitude and character and not just love.
Dear Nigerians, kindly note that people change, new desires come, other issues of life take place in marriages and new realities are discovered, with high and low moments, love might not necessarily lead both to the promised land. Let us not look down on the days of unhappy moments when people abandon their loved ones. At such times, one then discovers that other ingredients like trust, obedience, and peace are a necessity in our lives.