When will men learn that they should not hurt women, especially their wives? When will they learn that their staff of office has restricted usage? At a burial ceremony, recently, there was much talk how a senior corporate executive in the Banking & Finance Industry died. For the purpose of this piece, let’s call him Mr. Dennis, who was married to Rosemary, a dutiful wife. Sadly, Dennis was a serial cheat, a typical example of ‘everything in skirt is good for me’ kind of man.
He met his wife Rosemary during a training session that attended by staff from several branches of the financial institution). He was almost everywhere chatting, mostly with female colleagues. But Rosemary didn’t see it as something to worry about. After the training, Dennis continued to communicate with Rosemary they eventually got in romantic relationship that led their tying the nuptial knot. In keeping with policy of the bank that employees who get married to each other cannot work together in the organisation. For this reason, Rosemary resigned, to seek employment in another company.
Dennis continued to progress in his career, just as he got deeper into several extramarital affairs with most of single ladies working in his branch, using the pull of his extra funds and his “toasting” ability to attract them. From time to time, tales about his multiple affairs would get to his wife, and such reports led to fights between them. Dennis was good at his core job. For this reason, his “extracurricular” activities were ignored.
Trouble started when Dennis and other executives travelled to another city for trainings and to inspect some branches in the South-south. Dennis had arranged for a side-chick in the town, to stay with him in his hotel room. Everything felt normal, but on the second night after their sex romp, Dennis became weak, collapsed in the bed and could not move all night till morning. It was breakfast and work schedule. The girl tried to wake him up, but there was no response. The lady screamed loudly, and drew the attention of hotel staff, who invited the police. His side-chick did not sneak away, instead stood firm and told her side of the story. The family set her free and moved the body of Dennis to a mortuary.
On the day of the burial, the moment the hearse conveying the casket got into the family compound, Rosemary pointed at it and rained curses on the corpse of her late husband. She refused all pleas to let the dead go in peace. As she sobbed, Rosemary regretted ever marrying Dennis, saying, “For the shame and stigma you brought to our two children and I, your soul will not rest in peace.”
People who gathered for the burial were taken aback, wondering how a woman could curse the late husband. Unperturbed, Rosemary spoke further: “When the children and I step out, all eyes will be on us as the wife and children of that man who died in a hotel with his side-chick. What a shameful death? Why didn’t you die in a more dignified manner? Why didn’t you go through a motor accident? Why didn’t you fall sick and died the hospital? Why did you bring this shameful and unbearable situation to us? I will not mourn your death. I am ashamed of the circumstance surrounding your death.”
While some mourners chided her, several others supported her action. Rosemary’s outburst elicited different reactions from women who came for the funeral. Rising to her defence, Ufuoma, her former colleague rhetorically asked one of the ladies who castigated Rosemary: “If you were in her shoes, what would you do?”
Clara, another colleague chipped in: “Well, if my husband should die in the arms of his side-chick, I will dress as if I am going for a serious Owambe. I will wear a beautiful outfit, call a make-up artist to beautify my face and put shimmer on my body. I will go for his burial with glitz and glamour. If there is music, I will dance like I am competing for a medal. I will not mourn such a man because he did not value our relationship while alive. He will meet his cheating partners wherever he finds himself.”
In a normal setting, where a marital relationship friendly and fulfilling, a loving wife would grieve and mourn the death of her husband, to express her deep sense of loss.
In Rosemary’s case, the late husband had over time eroded the trust she invested in the marriage at the beginning. Little wonder she said while cursing him: “We would be together, yet feel great loneliness. I will never ever mourn the death of an unrepentant cheat. He is dead, he is dead. He has lived his life miserably and life must go on. My life cannot be put on hold because of the dead. Life itself is short and must not be lived miserably because of a cheat.”
Offering her own view as conversation swirled at the funeral, Grace said: “For me, a cheating husband is a potential killer. So, what is there to mourn about a cheating husband? The only reason I will not kill him or myself is because when I am caught, I cannot risk the jail term, or that my conscience might not contain it. Is there any difference between a murderer and a cheating husband? On the day of his burial, I will wear my favourite colours. I will never wear any white or dark colours that symbolize burial ceremonies. I will rather appear simple and very cute. I will wear my best bold jewelries, tie my scarf professionally and come looking good. Even at the sight of his dead body, I will think of his unfaithfulness and where he ended his life. After the burial, life will surely continue.”
“If you are tired of a relationship, let your partner know about it, then take a walk. Your partner can also decide to look elsewhere to find comfort instead of living with a serial cheat.
After drinking water from a bottle while listening intently, Folashade said: “Truly sudden death has delivered many troubled women. It is nature that happens to all. No one should beat a woman for not somersaulting for a dead cheating spouse. For the fact that she is not hitting her head on the wall for a man that left no good memory of what they shared; no one mourns a man who was a torn in the flesh when he was alive. Maybe for the first time, the poor woman would have a good night rest instead of staying awake for the man who is cooling off in his girlfriend’s place.”
Again, she said, “Imagine being under the dictatorial rule of Hitler in the name of marriage, then Hitler dies. It is relief because so many women are in prisons disguised as marriages; they endure a lot of things because of the stigma of divorce. When one person terrorizes the family, cooking up all sorts of abuse and unleashing all of them on the wife and children, what will be the motivating factor to mourn such a man? Is it that people do not know that cheating is enough to make all the love, compassion, trust, respect for one’s spouse disappear? It is the legacy that men built on earth that is used to remember them in death.”
Interestingly, Temilola who sat close to them said: “In my understanding there is a difference between a cheating, non-caring husband and a cheating caring husband. There are men who cheat but do not take their families for granted. They make provisions, care and give attention to the family, including paying bills. There is no way that kind of a man would go, and he will not be missed and mourned.”
She explained that if one is married and enters into the full communion of marriage where children are also involved, a cheating husband in this situation is abusive and violent, no doubt. “But whenever he passes away, there should be room for mourning. Mourning for the unfulfilled promise of the marital union, mourning for what was given that was never properly requited. Then mourning for the children left without a parent.”
Unfortunately, I had a friend who lives in Calabar with her husband. Her husband infected her with HIV and kept it away from her. She never discovered until she was really down and was taken to the hospital. She had never cheated on her husband and wondered how she got infected. When she discovered it the husband that infected her, hell was let loose, she was so heart broken. Now, her husband has become born-again and repented from his cheating ways, but both are living with HIV. In his repentance, can it repair the damage he has caused? Men could be cruel and life could also be cruel.
However, Rita raised objection to what the ladies’ view that it not right to mourn a cheating spouse. She said: “If these cheating men were your fathers, brothers and sons, would you praise their wives for not mourning them? Would you hail their wives for attending their burial in glamorous looks? No one applauds a cheating husband, but let us be mindful in our decisions.
Finally dear men, if you want to be mourned after you die, live a life worth mourning. Live your life