In the beginning of the relationship, they are sweet and nice. They make you feel great about yourself. They share their vulnerabilities with you and even tell you how much they enjoy spending time with you.
They tell you they are hopeful about the future of the relationship; but after that encouraging start, you may never get to connect more intimately with them again. It’s like things never get serious about the relationship as they are not able to maintain emotional bonds with you beyond casual involvement.
If you are in this situation, the truth is that you are likely in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner.
An emotionally unavailable partner doesn’t like to make plans with you or take your own plans to meet up seriously. They repeatedly call the shots, they decide on when and where they want to see you. You have to work with their time.
Such people would rather reflect your feelings instead of offering their own. They rarely would tell you how they feel about you and when you tell them ‘I love you’, their response is always “me too” instead of “I love you too”.
They would show up late for meet ups or even blow off plans by not showing up at all. They would reschedule at the last minute without plans to show up on the rescheduled date. Dating such a person means one disappointment after another.
You literally do all the relationship work, from calling, texting, planning and keeping in touch. They may enjoy spending time with you but only when it works for them. When you are not together, you rarely hear from them.
Sometimes, they take days to return your calls or reply messages. In some cases, they may even ignore your messages entirely, especially emotional ones. They keep you wondering if you offended them with their behaviour.
They are not willing to put in the work in the relationship. If you don’t make things happen, they probably won’t. They deliberately forget dates and events like birthdays, Valentine’s day etc.
They almost will not check on you even if they are aware you are sick or on transit. You just never seem to grow closer because there can never be a healthy relationship without emotional connection.
They would avoid emotional conversations and quickly change the topic. Their apparent lack of interest or emotional investment can make you wonder if they even like you in the first place.
You have to know that when a person is emotionally unavailable, they tend to struggle in a relationship. This is because they prefer to date casually and keep some distance, but this is the truth they may never tell you.
It is very tempting trying to make things work with someone who seems emotionally distant. A lot of people believe they just need to try a little harder. They believe that if they can be more patient, show more love and understanding, that they stand a better chance at making such a person want to commit to them.
Unfortunately, this is how emotional unavailability has trapped many in loveless and aimless relationships. Recognizing emotional unavailability can be very tricky because people who are emotionally unavailable will not openly call it quits with you, they would rather frustrate your every efforts at getting closer until you tire yourself out and call it quits. After the break up, they will make little or no effort to get you back because they are not ready to be vulnerable.
Emotionally unavailable people have commitment and intimacy fears. It’s the reason they might participate in relationship behaviors like going on dates, spending romantic time together, even meeting each other’s friends, but don’t want relationships with serious intentions. As long as you keep dating casually, they are alright with it, but when you want a deeper commitment, they start to ghost you.
And until they make conscious efforts on their own to change because they want you in their life, you will continue to invest your energy into the relationship hoping to get closer but they will keep avoiding reciprocation. You will drain and burn yourself out and call it quits yourself.
To save you from emotionally unavailable people learn to pay attention to their responds when you share emotions. It is true that not everyone likes to talk about emotions all the time, but in a relationship, it’s important to connect on an emotional level.
If they reflect your feelings instead of offering their own by always mirroring back what you say with, “I feel the same way” instead of expressing their feelings uniquely, it could also be a red flag that the person you are with is emotionally unavailable.
They do not open up, even when you initiate a conversation and ask direct questions. They show up late with an attitude or blow off plans more than once by not keeping to commitments or consistently showing up late, it is a subtle way of making sure they are unavailable. Though they might even apologize sincerely; it does not mean they are ready to prioritize the relationship needs of fitting you into their life.
If the above signs resonates with you as traits you have noticed in yourself, or things past partners have pointed out to you, then you could be the emotionally unavailable one. And you may not fully realize how it shows up in your relationships. But if you worry about losing yourself in a relationship, worry that falling in love will involve losing your independence because you like to do things your way, on your schedule, and don’t want to change your life to fit someone else’s, that is when you start to frustrate their efforts to get closer.