As you can see, we don smoke. That’s why you can see smoke coming out of every orifice on our bodies: mouth, nostril, ear, anus, eyes, just name it. We don smoke. That’s why you can see us seeing double everywhere we go.
Who was it that said that fair is foul and foul is fair? Ah, that fellow must have said that with us in mind, we smokers, that is! You see, whenever we smoke like that we begin to hallucinate, we begin to see fair as foul and foul as fair.
We don smoke! You can now understand why they said that smokers are likely to die young! Come to think of it, who cares to wait till you get to 70 or 80 of age, when you can die at 35 or 40?
We don smoke, both Pasitors (Pass It On?) and the pastured, the congregation and congregants! That’s why you see cold steam coming out of our mouths as doll out prophecies. “Please, Nigerians, warn Buhari that he is going beyond his boundary,” one of our smokers warned some months before the Presidential election (elation?). “The Lord said his tenure is just for four years. If he tries to contest for second term, before they vote, he will die.”
We don smoke. And, whenever we smoke like that we mix up the messengers. It makes difficult for people to know who is talking and who is making things up and putting God’s name on it because he once got it correct. We don’t know when Satan is talking, and when God is. We claim God is talking when actually it is the devil or something worse. We claim we are in the spirit when actually we are in the other spirit (methylated spirit?). We claim we heard from God when actually it is Lucifer or Belzeebub or Dagon talking to us.
We don smoke. That’s why you can see us laughing and laughing like laughing jackass (or, as my friend, Lomaji Ugorji, of Icheoku fame would say, o na-achi na-ajakasi eze) and when we claim to be laughing in the spirit. I say we don smoke. That’s why we can talk as if we were part of the daily meeting of the Trinity – God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, when it is evidently clear that we didn’t see God as to make us talk with such guts, when it is clear He didn’t see us, didn’t see our big church edifices and our big congregation of worshippers, didn’t know that we and them even exist anywhere on planet earth.
We don smoke. I want to believe that it is Igbo, marijuana, gbana, anwuru, ihe na-aba n’anya that we smoked. Otherwise, how would somebody prophesy and say categorically without an iota or shade of shame that “God had said whether we vote or not, Atiku will definitely win?” or that “God told me expressly that APC is finished in Nigeria, and you will see how God will disgrace them” when God is not a member of any party, APC or PDP?
We don smoke. Everyone knows that smoking intoxicates and makes one to talk nonsense. That’s why a typical Nigerian would look you in the eyes and say: e be like say you don smoke or drink when he is not perceiving sense in whatever you are saying or talking. As far as he is concerned, at such moments, whatever you smoked or drank is what is talking, not you.
We don smoke. That’s why newspaper editors like using the word “goof” for prophecies which went over the bar (isn’t that supposed to refer to beer parlour and perhaps beer parlour talks?). You see only prophets who take a lot of “goof” (that is Igbo, marijuana, weed, gbana), always “goof” with their prophecies. That is why newspaper headlines would say they “goofed.” Now, when you take “something,” no matter how little, you would begin to goof, to see double. Instead of seeing one trailer blocking your way, you would see two. Instead of one bed lying somewhere in a corner in the other room, you would see two. If it is Atiku that lost, you would say it is Buhari.
“God told me expressly that APC is finished in Nigeria, and you will see how God will disgrace them.” Who said this? To whom? On what occasion? That’s the way they ask the questions in my Bible Knowledge exams, then known to us in our school days as BK but which mischievous ones among us liked to call “Bewaa Ike” (an Igbo expression which means break your buttocks or bum-bum). Now I hear they call it Christian Religious Studies (CRS) or, sometimes, Christian Religious Knowledge (CRK).
But the point I am driving at is this: those who said God told them that APC is finished in Nigeria, which God is that? God of Osinbajo and Adeboye, or which? Are you see what I am saw? (apology to Chika Okpala, alias Zebrudaya Okoroigwe) Nwogbo). Prophet and Pastor wey no know im work na suwegbe o, na suwegbe o (apology to Fela). Abeg follow una follow me sing: Pasitor wey no hear well, well who God said go win the election, na (k)pako ee, na (k)pako. Pasitor, wey drink a lot of ‘guf’ or anwuru (smoke) go dey guf dey go).
You are correct, we don smoke. That’s why you see us talking like people wey come from Okija shrine. In this case, e be like say Okija shrine even beta. Instead of you telling us na Satan put the words for your mouth, you deyuse God’s name dey play. Abi, na your mate im be? Those of you who are using God’s name in vain, make una be aware (beware?) o. O te gee o (enough is enough!)
Re: How I celebrated OUK
senatorial victory
Dr. Orji Uzor Kalu’s victory is well deserved because he worked hard for it. I believe that his going to Senate will help to bring Igbos closer to the seat of power –Chika Nnorom, Umukabia, 08062887535
Congratulations as your Oga don win. Please, remember us when you come to your kin-dom –Isaac Gillam, Plateau State, 07032264604
OUK Senatorial victory is for all because Nigeria will have fine representation. –Aminu, CRC, Katsina, 08069522155