For Dr Emmanuel Shae Bebeyi, a pastor, and his wife Mrs Veronica Omoniyi Bebeyi, their almost 30 years of being together as husband and wife has been laced with phenomenal thrills and frills. Having met at the tertiary institution in 1984 through a friend, their platonic relationship grew thick and stronger. They claimed they became like Siamese twins who could not be separated easily until they finally tied the nuptial knot in 1993.
The Bebeyis, who hail from Kabba in Kogi Satate but are currently residing in Jos, Plateau state said although there are times when their marriage experienced some storms, their avid trust in God and his abiding faithfulness have kept them going.
Dr Bebeyi is a minister of the gospel, aside his circular job as the Chairman, Board of Trustees, Chartered Institute of Development and Social Studies. He is also the President of the Institute for Digital Technology and Development. His wife is a trained psychologist and currently doing her doctoral programme in one of the leading universities in the country.
In the words of Dr Shae Bebeyi, marriage is not for boys. And while giving tips for a successful marriage, he stated: “Intending couples must develop strong relationships and effective communication. Nothing must be kept secret from each other. Life vision must be expressed and accepted. Love, respect and submission are of great essence, and prayer life should be encouraged, for it’s a tool for marital stability.
In this interview with EMMANUEL ADEYEMI, they spoke about their years together as man and wife, sharing nuggets on how marriages can be successful.
How did you get to know each other?
Dr Emmanuel: I got to know about her through some friends in 1982. However, I met her physically in the year 1984 at the Kwara State College of Technology, Ilorin. We became casual friends. In the year 1989, courtship started and in the year 1993, on October, 2, we got married.
Mrs Veronica: We met at Kwara State College of Technology, Ilorin in the year 1984.
What actually attracted you to each other?
Dr Emmanuel: Her external and internal beauty, intelligence, straightforwardness, and prayer life.
Mrs Veronica: What attracted me to him was his caring attitude, hard work, positive mental attitude, confidence, and cultural background
How long did the courtship last before marriage?
Dr Emmanuel: It lasted for about four years, although those years appeared like a month.
Mrs Veronica: The courtship was for four years.
Was there any opposition from family members against your marriage?
Not really, but there was some underground grumbling from an auntie.
Mrs Veronica: The opposition was mild and insignificant.
For how long have you been married?
Dr Emmanuel: By October 2 this year it will be 30 years of the marital relationship and we are blessed with many children.
Mrs Veronica: God is faithful. October 2 2023 will be three decades of our martial relationship and togetherness.
Is there any character trait you observed in your spouse?
Dr Emmanuel: Oh yes. When she is seriously provoked, instead of reacting violently or verbally, she will just keep quiet and be looking at you
Mrs Veronica: Yes, he withdraws into himself when he is angry. He will also isolate himself for meditation and prayers anytime he has high expectations for certain things or whenever he lacks knowledge or understanding of certain issues.
Do you have any favourite among your children?
Dr Emmanuel: No favourite. They are all unique in their paths.
Mrs Veronica: No. We don’t have a favourite child.
Was there any time you faced a challenge in your marriage that made you contemplate divorce?
Dr Emmanuel: Yes. At least once, due to external pressure.
Mrs Veronica: Yes, we do quarrel but not to the extent of wanting to quit the marriage.
So how do you settle quarrels?
Dr Emmanuel: I make personal efforts in improving my communication with her and I imbibe the spirit of forgiveness.
Mrs Veronica: Through patience, forgiveness and resolve to review the cause of the quarrel or misunderstanding, then table the matter before God for better understanding of one another
What are the family values you guide jealously that you will cherish to pass to your children?
Dr Emmanuel: Absolute belief in the infinite intelligence, which is faith in God, strong Christian moral and cultural values, investment in social capital, sound education, and skills acquisition.
Mrs Veronica: Strong faith in God, sound education, to maintain cultural and spiritual values, standards, and morals. Integrity and honesty are key in all our relationships.
Drawing from your experience, what advice will you give to young couples who just got married?
Dr Emmanuel: Marriage is not for the boys. They must develop strong relationships, effective communication, no secrets. Life vision must be expressed and accepted, love, respect, and submission are of the essence, and prayer life should be encouraged for it’s a tool for marital stability. External influence should never be allowed, and conflict and disagreement should be addressed immediately.
Mrs Veronica: They must have shared values, goals and interests. Make sure you are on the same page about what you want from marriage. Communication is key in any successful marriage relationship. There should be openness and honesty with each other about feelings, needs, and expressions. It is important to be realistic about the challenges that come with marriage. Marriage requires effort, compromise, and sacrifices, making sure one is willing to put in the work for the relationship to thrive. Trusted friends, family members and spiritual people’s support can be sought. They can offer valuable insights and perspectives on relationships and can help to navigate challenges. Then take time to make an informed decision for the good of the relationship.
What advice will you give to a young man who wants to settle down for marriage?
Dr Emmanuel: I will advise him to go through thorough premarital counselling. His vision must have a relationship or find expression in the girl she wants to marry and he must do thorough spiritual, mental, and clinical investigations. He must ensure his wife is the type that is ready for self or personal development. She must be a family person with social capital – bonding and linkage.
Madam, if you have the privilege of giving lectures to young girls on the issue of marriage, what are the main issues that you will like to share with them?
Mrs Veronica: I will teach them the following:
1. The benefits and the challenges of marriage, and how to prepare for and sustain a healthy and fulfilling marriage. 2. Cultural differences. The challenges and opportunities of navigating relationships across cultural sensitivity and understanding. 3. The gender roles; the impact of gender roles and expectations; 4. Intimacy; The role of physical and emotional intimacy. 5. Conflict Resolution: Strategies for resolving conflict in a healthy relationship. 6. Trust: The role of trust in building, maintaining, and establishing trust in a healthy relationship with a partner. Trust is a vital component of a good marital relationship 7. Communications: The importance of effective communication, open and honest, good expression of thoughts and feelings. Shared values- partners should share similar values and goals, and there should be a sense of unity and purpose in the relationship. There should be emotional and physical intimacy, as well as mutual respect. As individuals, they should support each other in their personal growth and development. And in conflict resolution- disagreement and conflict are inevitable in any relationship. The ability to resolve issues is important.
As a minister of God, what are the tips you want to give to reduce divorce cases even among fellow ministers of the gospel?
Dr Emmanuel: Divorce is a complex issue and therefore, it must not be encouraged. The following could serve as advice. A: Prioritise premarital counselling. B: They should be subject to guidance and counselling when experiencing a rough patch. C. Effective communication will add value to the relationship. D. Promote forgiveness. E. Encouragement and having a supportive community around them. This may include other couples, family members and friends who can render support when needed. F. Reading books on healthy marital lifestyle. G. Go on marital retreats, and constant reference to biblical principles. These include the principles of love, forgiveness, giving, respect, and selflessness.