This contraption, called Nigeria, is one huge mass of confused and confusing people. They are preponderant to complicating simple things, and each passing day comes with hilarious episodes that deaden the pain of living in our crushed part of the earth.
Just imagine how a simple ‘honourable’ question caused so much hoopla recently.
Alex Ikwechegh, an All Progressives Grand Alliance, APGA, member, representing Aba North and South Federal Constituency in the House of Representatives, simply asked Stephen Abuwatseya, an e-hailing cab (Bolt) driver if he knew who (Alex) was when he went to deliver a package of snails to him. And hell broke loose.
I put it to Stephen that he had something invidious up his sleeves. That was why he did not answer a straightforward question but chose to showcase his other talent as a film producer instead and smashed the box office.
Ikwechegh’s innocuous question needed a simple answer, especially for a man that was in need of ego massage.
Stephenn could have simply told the man, ‘Yes, sir; I know. You are a pinch of dust; an imminent shawarma for worms’. As simple as that. Also, he would have bolted instead of waiting to receive honourable slaps.
Stephen was indeed highly honoured. Do you know what it feels like getting close to an ‘Honourable’?
However, it beats me why people are calling for the head of Ikwechegh even after condescending to Stephen. Now, some say he is a dishonourable honourable; others that he is a lawbreaking lawmaker and an albino. Haba! My fellow Nigerians could be exasperating when jealousy rips them.
Do they know what an honour it was for Stephen to behold the handsome dude face-to-face? Do they know what it means for Ikwechegh to touch Stephen’s coarse face with his tender hands?
So, the noise disoriented Ikwechegh, stampeding him to own up and apologise. When he got to court and realised that he had been duped; he pleaded not guilty. Nonsense, apologise for what, and to whom?
It is a national pride to be a people inebriated by the clout of office and uniform. Why should Ikwechegh be an exception? See the swaggering ‘maiguard’ in uniform, like in Lagos; ask him to pay his transport fare. You will sooner realise that he is also a surgeon, when he finishes reconstructing your dentures.
Stephen was audacious and disrespectful indeed. Imagine calling a whole Honourable to come outside to collect his snail instead of groveling to his mansion like the rat he is.
He was lucky that Ikwechegh decided not to call ‘his’ policemen on him.
Is it shocking that officially, Ikwechegh has a private police like other big men? Why should they feel the heat of insecurity like ordinary Nigerians? They deserve the hordes of police servants, otherwise, who would carry bags for their wives in the markets or wash their cars at home?
No wonder the office of the Inspector General of Police, IGP, meant so much to Ikwechegh that he urged Stephen to call him, reverentially.
However, what is really the issue with this Ikwechegh-Steohen saga? Is he the first to get involved with this? Did not a Senator go to a sex toy shop only to forcefully romance the lady sales attendant? Was it not captured on the shop’s CCTV; what became of the matter? Did not a Senator threaten to impregnate the wife of a very big man in this country? Nobody knows if he planned to rape the beautiful woman or what and nobody dared to ask him; what happened thereafter? Was it not in Nigeria that a naval officer shot dead a commercial motorcyclist for brushing his car?
Indeed, in Nigeria, power is an elixir. People drink it and become super. Power good o! The dishonourable ‘honourables’ and ‘distinguished’ conmen can always have their way.
Ikwechegh’s offer to make Stephen disappear is nothing serious; politicians say so every day. It’s just to send opponents to some place where they would not interfere in the political game. However, this is usually done in the hush. It would be nice to pay more attention to such offers and find out from the Abia lawmaker if he is a magician or bogeyman apart from lawmaking. This could help the police to unravel the mounting cases of missing persons and unaccounted corpses in the country. What politicians cannot do in Nigeria does not exist.
President Bola Tinubu should consider creating the Ministry of Disappearance in his overblown cabinet. Helping some Nigerians to disappear could also reduce the burden on his administration.
Politicians love and use thugs, other people’s children, who love to cause disappearances or are made to disappear in the process of fighting for their bosses. Many have lost their lives and several properties worth billions of naira are destroyed while the ogas swig champagne or whiskey unperturbed.
Certainly, they need an overseer. Tinubu does not have to look far for a fit minister. I’m sure the deprived South-west will not complain about the dominance of the South-east in his government if Ikwechegh is enthroned to head the new juicy ministry.
The power of the rich is awesome. Even our courts have become more hallowed because of them. Those who think Nigeria is even better without the courts are senile. Who says the rulings by pin-pong judges are weird, skewed, and suspicious? How do you know the powerful if they cannot choose which court or judge should decide their matter or which court ruling to obey?
I laughed when I read that poem, asking my Lord where to put his bribe. What the poet called a bribe is a tranquilizer. It’s important to calm tension in our jumbled judiciary where even the Supreme Court can pay obeisance to economic jackals, called governors, who still impose their wimps on the people at the local government levels. A bold leader should be able to choose whatever he feels is convenient for him and the people.
Nigerians are great exhibitionists. The true persona of a Nigerian is not known until you give him power, money, or uniform. Always suspect and distrust that Nigerian ‘leader’ who fails to make you know he is a deity. Anyway, you cannot find such anywhere.
These privileged men, whether in uniform or in political office live by a different set of rules. Once they wear the toga of power or uniform, they can drive against traffic and nothing happens. They use sirens and shoo ordinary folks off the road; you only challenge them at your peril. The politicians are demigods that must be obeyed and worshipped; I’m envious of them.
The likes of Ikwechegh emerge through our efficient electoral system, which also sustains them, work so hard. So, it is nauseating when people describe our elected representatives as selected representatives. What if they selected themselves by themselves and for themselves? Why then would the people kill one another for the politicians if they are not happy? Does it matter whether you call it ‘demoncrazy’ or democracy?
In fact, Ikwechegh should be grateful to Stephen. If not that he left his Bolt driver’s job to make a Nollywood star out of him, not many people, would have known that he is more adept in the make-believe world than lawmaking.
Ikwechegh’s role as an elevated thug could win him an oscar. Even getting the police to arrest Stephen is not the height of official malfeasance as some say. Is this not Nigeria? All these are what make Nollywood to thrive.
Ikwechegh and Stephen are both winners. One is better at Cowboy movies than lawmaking while the other is better shooting movies than bolting all over the city centre in a cab, looking for slaps.
So, why do people think Stephen has done wrong by apologising to his abuser? Though Ikwechegh certainly knew what he was doing when he caressed Stephen but like his biblical namesake who prayed for his killers, Stephen prayed for Ikwechegh. It’s all part of the script of this movie. While the biblical Stephen had his eyes fixed on heaven, our Stephen is yet to tell us what happened behind the curtains to motivate his action.
Again, na naija be dis, the rich and powerful have taken everything including our dignity; the poor are at their mercy.