Sir James Aondoakaa Iorpuu, Executive Secretary, Benue State Emergency Management Agency, (SEMA), and his wife, Lady Elizabeth Iorpuu, a retiree with the Benue State government, are from Vandeikya Local Government area of the state. The knight and lady of St John have been married for 34 years and the marriage is blessed with two children and three grandchildren.
Speaking with SCHOLASTICA HIR in Makurdi, Sir James said marriage is a sacred institution and those who want to stay in it must be understanding, tolerant, accommodating and ready to endure. He said for the woman, “if you want to stay in marriage, love the boy and love his family.”
You’ve been married now for 34 years. Where and how did you meet?
Sir James: I was at the school of Basic Studies, precisely in 1987. I was a footballer. I was coming from school to watch Lobi Stars versus BCC Lions. BCC happened to be my former team. I played for The Lions before. So, they were playing with Lobi Stars at McCarthy stadium in Makurdi and I was coming from school to go and watch and that was when I saw a lady from Ihugh where I come from. She was by the roadside and I was in the bus and I stopped. I alighted from the bus and met this lady. We went to her place where she was staying and I discovered that the woman who was accommodating them actually came from my place. She is my sister and I became a member of the family. The issue of going to watch football was abandoned. It became an interesting encounter with this lady and her sister with whom she was living in the town here. May her soul rest in peace. At that moment I met this young lady here who is now my wife, the way she received me, I said wow, so we can have fine people like this still existing? She didn’t know me but she received me as if she had known me for sometime or I had been visiting the house. She quickly went to the kitchen and served me food deliciously and so I became a friend of the family. I became a member of the family. Every weekend, I had to come from school and stay there with them. In fact, my sister made it obligatory for me to be spending my weekends with them. So, it was that encounter that introduced me further to this young lady.
Was that the first time you were meeting?
Lady Elizabeth: Yes, we were meeting for the first time and that’s what happened exactly.
After you met her, how did you speak to her?
Sir James: Initially, my love for her was not to marry her. I just loved her person. She was such a nice lady and I like associating myself with people who have that kind of character and personality. My sister discovered that we were relating very well. So, she whispered to me that if I was interested in marrying her, I should marry her because she is a good person. I said no, I didn’t want to marry, I wanted to finish my school and go to university and I had so many things to do. I said I was not interested to marry.
But there was something she did that was very strange to me in particular. She was a civil servant when I met her while I was a student. During one of her annual leaves, she travelled to Kaduna and while she was coming back, she presented gifts not only to me but to my parents. My father had six wives. I took these things to my father and his wives. I told my father what was happening. He saw that the gesture was much and he decided to come and know that particular person. He came all the way from the village to town. Then, my father launched a courtship that he has found a wife and I was now being pushed to marry her, not minding that I had my own plans to go to school. Her goodness endeared her to me, my parents and everybody around me.
On your side ma, when that friendship was going on, did you suspect that he was going to propose?
Lady Elizabeth: Actually, I didn’t think of that. I didn’t think we would come together as husband and wife because my mind wasn’t there. But just like he rightly said, when I met with the parents, particularly the father, I became interested not particularly in him but because the family, the way they accepted me, I became interested. God made us to come together.
Was there any relation that opposed your union?
Lady Elizabeth: Not quite, except when my guardian came to discover that the relationship was growing stronger and stronger. At a point, she was no longer happy.
Sir Iorpuu: She was no longer comfortable. She was not understanding us any longer and you know, you women are, you find that some people are so deep in love, normally you are unsettled. When we became so intimate, that intimacy had developed into so many things. Any time she collected her salary, she would pick one dress for me while I was in school and she changed me. I started going to church. You know, it was one of the conditions I was given. When she said you will do this, I said, I will, that one, I will agree. If you meet Prof. Member Genyi, she will tell you that I suddenly became a good Christian. I joined the choir because I was looking for something that would make me committed. But joining the prayer group was my problem because I may not have that time. But after all these, the lady was happy and she said she was fulfilled that she nurtured her to get married.
Out of the many young women then, why did you decide to marry her?
Sir James: As a footballer and a very handsome guy, there was so much pressure on me to marry and I had so many of those girls around me. So one day, I took her to Ihugh, my village, and when the girls saw her, they said so I brought a lady? Then they went and planned to attack her. They said they could not allow me to marry an outsider. But it was late for them already.
Madam, why did you settle for him out of the many eligible men that wanted you at the time?
Lady Elizabeth: I will say it is God’s will. God willed him to be my husband. If not, as I earlier said, even when we started the friendship, I didn’t know that it’s going to be something of husband and wife, but as time went on, I saw it as a will of God that he should be my husband and I decided to make up my mind that he should marry me.
When you were growing up I’m sure you had a picture of the kind of man you wanted to marry. Did he fit in? Were you disappointed after marrying him?
Lady Elizabeth: Yes when I was growing up, I told myself that I’m not going to marry from my place. I didn’t like the way our boys behaved then. So within me, I said I didn’t want to marry from here. But when I married him, I wasn’t disappointed at all. Till today, I am not disappointed. He is a good man.
Can you remember your first quarrel in marriage and how you settled it?
Lady Elizabeth: The problem I had with him then was that he started smoking. He became a smoker. I didn’t know him as one who smokes when I married him but after I married him, he started smoking and I was not happy, to the extent that I told him that if he didn’t stop, I was not going to wash his clothes again. I told him he must stop. It was difficult but somehow he tried to stop and gradually, he stopped smoking.
Sir, is that the correct situation?
Sir James: I’m happy she said that I was not a smoker but something triggered me to start smoking. It was in 2004. We got married in 1989 and I started smoking 2004. She was very sick and she was taken to the hospital at Immaculate Conception in Makurdi. They said she has to undergo an operation and they took her to the theatre 14 minutes after 7 am. And up to 5pm, she was still in the theatre. So between the period of 7am and 5pm, I became so restless. There was a beer parlour close to the hospital, I became confused and I didn’t know what to do at a point. I was thinking my wife was dead and they are not telling me and they were just fooling me, so I would go and sit in that joint and take one or two bottles of beer and then I would go back again. By evening, I had taken eight bottles of beer but I was not feeling anything. Then I saw one young boy selling cigarettes passing by. I beckoned on him to come, and since I wasn’t a smoker, I didn’t know which brand of cigarette to smoke but my attention was caught by the park of St. Moritz, beautiful packaging and I picked it up and saw that it was beautiful. So I purchased the whole pack and before you know it, I smoked about 10 sticks. Someone who sat and was watching called my attention and asked me, are you a smoker before, I couldn’t say anything. At that point, I was looking for something to calm me down, I was so stressed and I finished the 20 sticks in less than 1 hour. I was looking for where to buy again. I took so many bottles of beer that day and after that, any other time I wanted to drink, I made sure I smoked a stick of cigarettes to accompany the beer. I wasn’t a smoker but her condition now pushed me into smoking. I couldn’t imagine missing her and all that period there was no explanation coming from anywhere. I was looking for something to console myself but the cigarette couldn’t stabilise me anyway. I was just hanging on to it.
When she recovered from the ill health and she found me smoking, it was strange to her and she started talking to me. She started by peaceful means so that I would stop. But I couldn’t. She implored other measures. Sometimes she would say I was stinking. Later she now said she would not wash my clothes because she loves to wash my clothes and do other things. But I pleaded with her that it came gradually and it had to go gradually. So, since it wasn’t my habit, it also went as it came. That was the first and only time we had issues. We didn’t fight about it. It came suddenly and also went suddenly.
Ma, what is his favourite food and how do you present it to him?
Lady Elizabeth: His best food is pounded yam with egusi soup or beniseed and ashwe soup.
If there is reincarnation will you marry him again?
Lady Elizabeth: Ahhhhhh, are you asking? I will marry him 100 times. (laughing).
What food does she like the most?
Sir James: Well, she has no option than to like what I like. She lives in me and I live in her so I like pounded yam, egusi and ashwe leaves.
Your Advice for those going into marriage?
Sir James: I want to advise young couples or people going into marriage to: know the person you are marrying. If you don’t know him, study him and know him. Know his shortcomings and learn to live with them. Learn his good side and improve on it so that you can live happily. So, young people, if you marry, know your spouse and accommodate his or her shortcomings so you can live happily. If you tolerate your woman, you are not doing that to help her but you are helping yourselves to be happy, to live a long life and also live healthy.
Lady Elizabeth: The way I look at it is that, there’s so much ego in young couples either from the lady or from the man. It’s ego that is the problem of our young couples these days. The lady is not ready to go down on her knees to say I’m sorry. The man thinks he is not ready to say I’m sorry. Always, he thinks I’m the man. So, it’s only when they try to take away ego from their marriage and understand each other, then they will be able to live together. So besides love, the watchword is understanding, tolerance and endurance.
When you understand your person, there will be no interference either from the lady’s side or from the man’s side. If you watch these Nigerian movies, at times you will see from the man’s side a mother in-law will come and be complaining that; you are married for two years yet no children, I want to have grandchildren. But when the man loves and understands his wife, he doesn’t give in at all. He will say mother, leave us alone. I married this woman for myself, whether children or no children, I like her.
ir James: And again, this issue of wrangling between family members. You don’t come to somebody’s house and say, I don’t want to see your father. If you love a man and you want to marry him, accept everything that is around the man. If you don’t do that, you are not ready for marriage and that’s what creates problem. So, it’s totally unacceptable. If you don’t want to stay in marriage, stay on your own. Don’t come and destroy somebody’s family. But if you want to stay in marriage, love the boy and love his family.