Intimacy in marriage is where a couple, joined to be one, realises it, and then lives to that expectation. They do not allow any third party to come between them, including their children, parents, siblings, or friends, because they are a unified whole and not a mere mathematical addition of separate parts. Intimacy determines how far a marriage will go. This explains why a poor family can stay together in mutual love, while a financially buoyant family may not.
One of the most unpleasant things that ruin any marriage is suspicion. It is the result of the couple not knowing themselves. Living intimately makes a spouse know their partner very well. A wicked housemaid, hired by an evil neighbour, can accuse the husband of sleeping with her. In public, the wife may agree with him that the accusation is false, but deep inside her heart, she may have some reservations, arising from the general belief that nobody can fully know what a man can do with a lady. At home, the wife may be quarrelling with him over the matter when he never dreamt or imagined such an evil deed. If she knows her husband well, she will be able to know that he cannot do anything like that and that somebody might have hired the housemaid for the bad job, so as to break his marriage.
Intimacy fosters unity in marriage, and the more the couple shares intimate things, the more closely knit together they will be. On the other hand, the less they share intimate matters, the more separated they will be. As they continue to improve in sharing intimate things, they find themselves developing confidence in themselves. It will result in knowing each other more and more, and they begin to trust each other, by word and also by deed. Trust is one of the key foundations of a happy marriage. Once a couple can trust each other, they will be free in offering corrections when any of them errs. It is a terrible situation when a spouse has erred and the partner is afraid to offer corrections. It can degenerate into ugly shameful situations, which could have been averted. They taught us in school that prevention is better than cure.
Intimacy in marriage is a worthy legacy a couple can pass on to their children. Kelechi, my second son, said that children do not usually do what their parents tell them to do, but what they see their parents do. I give God the glory for the intimate relationship among our children, which they copied from my wife and me.
After the death of a man, it is possible that his wife does not know how to run the family business because her husband had made her a stranger to it. She may not know how he was running the business: where he was getting the goods, where he was disposing of them, etc. While his creditors will come to the wife for their money after his burial, some of his debtors may not come forward to pay. The case would have been different had his wife been in the picture all the time, though she might be working elsewhere. In that case, she may choose to run the business or engage someone to run it.
It is important to know that, as good as intimacy is, there are some limits to what a couple can share between themselves. Nothing should make any of them tell the other about the people in their family who opposed their marriage relationship when their family was considering it. It may dampen the relationship between the spouse and the people concerned. The spouse may be laughing while exchanging pleasantries with the fellows, but it will be superficial.
It is not wise also for a couple to share any issue that will cause fear to the partner. Many years ago, Ify and I were travelling from Lagos to Enugu and I was driving. Around Oji River, one private car overtook us and all the people in it pointed fingers at us as if to say, This is it. I knew the implication of their conduct but did not want my wife to know what I saw, not knowing that she caught the plague also and did not want to frighten me. As I was praying in my heart, binding them, so was she, until God delivered us from them. That was when we discussed the matter and found out that we were both labouring not to frighten each other.
It is possible for a close family member or friend to make sexual advances to any partner. The spouse should not tell the partner to avoid unforeseen contingencies, unless the person repeats it. The affected spouse, after turning down immoral advances, should find time to talk passionately to that agent of the devil. The implication of the misconduct must be stressed, for trying to lure the person is a sin against God, the victim, the spouse, the children, etc.
From time to time, your children may misbehave and will apologise for their misconduct, promising that they will not repeat it and pleading that you should not tell your spouse. You may oblige them, depending on the nature of the offence. If it is consistent, you will have to tell your spouse for both of you to discuss how best to handle it. It may lead to family fasting and prayers or a family retreat.
You may discover that your spouse, for whatever reason, is not liked by some of your family members. May you not break the ice. Use wisdom rather to encourage your spouse to improve in relationship and commitment to the family. You will work also on your family members to reduce their bias.
A spouse requires wisdom to know how to break bad news to the partner. One morning, I made my wife tell her company that she would report late to work. We went to a hospital in Lekki to see her youngest brother on admission. We spent the day there, praying for the miraculous as he was in a coma. By 8 pm, I received a call from a family member that he was dead. I bled, weeping secretly as I concealed it from my wife, who is my prayer partner. That night, I slept in our boys room so that we would not pray together. After our morning devotion the next day, I used Scriptures to tell her.
For further comment, please contact: Osondu Anyalechi: 0909 041 9057; [email protected]