I get questions like this a lot and I try as much as possible to reply. I choose to write on this topic because I have received this particular question a couple of times. First of all, seeking consent or discussing about altering your physical looks with your partner is a no-brainer. It is a must-have conversation.
My response to this question is always very practical. My husband has to inform me before he starts to grow his hair, talk more of plaiting or locking his hair for dreads. A man that keeps long hair, plaits or spots dreadlocks is not my type. What will make my husband assume that I will all of a sudden be cool with him growing his hair, plaiting it or spotting dreadlocks without my consent just because we are married?
This is not in any way insinuating that men who keep long hair, plaits or carry dreadlocks are not good enough; it’s just a matter of choice.
Informing your partner of your intention means their consent counts. People are attracted to a certain type of appearance. There are men that will not even take a second look at a woman on low cut, let alone ask her out. Except for health reasons, such men may never want to live under same roof with a partner on low cut. It’s a no-no for them.
If your wife gets a hair cut without discussing it with you first, and she claims right without any form of remorse after you may have pointed out her obvious mistake to her, ignore her if you can. If not, drive home your point. Start growing your hair if possible. Wear skirts without her consent. Let’s see who gets more offended about consent.
Quit assuming your spouse is cool with you on low because he didn’t say a thing when you showed up without hair even without discussing it with him first. Do not think that you can alter your looks without your partner’s consent and get away with it. Discuss it with them first; it’s something every rational mind should do. It is a sign of mutual respect and acknowledgment that their opinion counts.
If your partner approaches you for consent, do not just dismiss them with a tone of finality. Find out why they wish to alter their looks. Their reasons may not even make any sense to you, but you just give them approval because they consulted you first with their intention.
Single persons can very well do as it pleases them; you do things on your own terms. Partners who discuss or put each other in the know have mutual respect and their relationship will stand the test of time. Love and respect for each other will always keep spouses in line and take them through most challenges in marriage.
I was a university undergraduate at the time my mother called to inform me she was about to get a complete hair cut for health reasons. I wasn’t cool with it, but my father already consented to it when she discussed it with him. She just wanted her children to be in the know as well, as we were no longer kids. Even for health reason, she still told my father of her intention to cut her hair. That singular act made me realise that such discussions/permission or whatever you choose to call it make for a happier living. Your partner does not only feel at home and in love, they know that their opinion matter a great deal. So, have these little conversations and quit assuming.
The fact that you don’t need to inform or seek your husband’s permission to braid your hair or fix weave-on doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a say when you want to get a hair cut. Marriage is not war; it is a place of dialogue and compromises. Therefore, every responsible partner should inform each other before making changes to their looks.
Your partner’s consent has nothing to do with submission. It is not for you to start grandstanding and insisting she keeps the hair just to assert authority. She has done the right thing by informing you and the best you can do is give her your opinion on how you will feel about her new look.
RE: FAMILY IS NOT ALWAYS BLOOD
Pleased to see you back on your beat with today’s feature that family relationships is not only by blood. Amaka, you are an expert on contemporary issues. Much as I cherish the gift of family, l also believe that it is not only in a family that one can find an agape love. So on this, l agree with you 100 per cent. Thank you.
– Abunike, Abuja
Dear Amaka, I learned that family is not always blood the hard way. I was a victim of rape. My father had sex with me for years and my own mother was aware. He will beat and threaten me any time I refuse him. My mother hated me and never spoke to me because she always claimed that I seduced her husband. This went on for years until I ran away from them and never looked back. It was strangers who took me in and showed me love.
–Emmanuella, Lagos