Living with a man who has low self-esteem and lacks drive is a situation no woman would find pleasant. It is even worse when the spouse is a bitter, broke man, who is also a narcissist.
Some men are rich, yet lack confidence and the maturity required to navigate the marital journey. Some men are afraid, naïve and shiver before other men. Some are rich, yet very jealous and bitter hearted.
Way back, I knew a man who was popular in my area. He was witty, but everybody also knew that his mental faculty was usually off and on. He was not necessarily mad, but seemed to be in-between sanity and insanity. He was our local entertainer while I was growing up. In his psychological imbalance, he could say things that were weighty, truthful and big moral lessons. He always sat at a corner in the village to entertain people, without really knowing he was doing so. On one particular occasion, he said it was better for a man to be poor than to live with a bitter, toxic spouse.
However, men are also guilty of showing bitterness and making marital relationships toxic. In fact, some men are worse than women in bitterness. When a man daily displays and feeds his ego, of course it will grow and somehow turn him into a bitter and toxic spouse.
In this age of the internet and social media, there are still men who shamelessly hold on to the discredited belief and assumption that a woman’s education ends up in the kitchen. This may have been the case with women of the old, it is no longer so with the present generation of females.
These men cannot manage spouses who have achieved success and distinguished themselves. The moment a wife attains success, either through a promotion or business boom that runs into six-figures, and therefore makes her financially, socially and economically more relevant with the attendant power that flows such success, a good man would embrace the wife’s success and celebrate it. But a bitter and toxic husband does the opposite. It is difficult for him to live with the woman’s success.
Question is: why is it that once some women become more accomplished than their husbands, peace automatically ceases to reign in their relationship?
A distant relative had wanted to start a doctorate degree programme, but her husband opposed it. He queried what would be his own title when the wife is introduced as Dr (Mrs) So and so. He stopped the wife and that programme died a natural death.
Women who are married to difficult, bitter and toxic husbands need all the empathy that can be shown to them. Empowerment is key to a woman’s success. The tendency of some men to subjugate women is the primary reason most women work hard to become financially independent.
Regrettably, there are so many men who find it easy to pull a woman down, to sustain their control over them. Such men only see a woman as a piece for sexual pleasure who could be discarded at will. The newly elected Pontiff, Pope Leo XIV, once said: “The truth of the human person, male and female, is not cultural construction, but a divine gift.” But some men do not see their women as divine gifts given to them from God. They are afraid of accomplished women who have voice and power.
Margaret was a front office executive in a new generation bank. Godwin was in the same bank as a supervising executive. Their paths crossed and within two years, they were married. First, Margaret had to stop her banking job to face procreation. By the next time her colleagues saw her, she had descended from a banker to a seamstress while her husband retained his job. Not long after, he lost his job. The sudden loss of his financial power made him bitter and led to his creating a toxic environment in his marriage, to the point that they separated. On the other hand, some men treasure their wives and see them as blessings from God.
Several years ago, when I visited Lagos for the first time as a young person, I overheard in the middle of the night the noise of a quarrel between a couple, Femi and Bunmi. The man was educated but engaged in business while the wife was an accountant. Their flat was above that of my relatives, who lived on the ground floor. In the early years of the marriage, Femi was more buoyant in their early years of the marriage and lived in his mother’s house, rent-free. Femi and Margaret were always at loggerheads. That night I heard their loud voices from our flat. The woman said: “I want to write my ICAN to become a chartered accountant, but you have become a stumbling block. I wanted to visit my parents, you refused. You have calculated how much I would spend on them. Again, I wanted my only brother to move in with us so I can watch and direct his studies; all these you denied me as your wife. I wanted to attend my classmate’s child dedication, you refused. I am only allowed to work and bring money home. Why must it be so? The husband responded, “I am in charge.”
At times, a woman’s success often causes a rift in a relationship. To some men who think life will always revolve around them, that they will always be larger than life, they find it difficult to adjust when their wives rise above them. Take the case of Peter Nwachukwu, who was recently condemned to death for the murder of his wife and popular music artiste, Osinachi Nwachukwu, known for the Christian hit song, Ekwueme, released in 2017 and which has recorded more than 136 million views on YouTube. Peter turned out to be a bitter, toxic and controlling spouse, and at some point in his warped, jealous mind decided to kill her.
After a diligent prosecution of the murder case before her court, Justice Njideka-Iheme found him guilty and accordingly sentenced him to death by hanging.
It is worrisome that the so-called ministers of the gospel also exhibit bitterness and toxic attitudes in their marriages. Consider the case of Pastor Kola and his wife, Titi, a banker who worked with the new generation bank. On a number of occasions she came to work with physical bruises on her face or other parts of the body that could be seen. Each time colleagues asked her about the injuries she would say that fell down. Nobody knew that was facing horrendous spousal abuse at home, until the fateful day her husband stabbed her to death. The list of women who have died in the hands of bitter and toxic husbands or partners is very long.
A major sad truth is that several women clearly see the red flags held aloft by bitter and toxic husbands, but for reasons somewhat difficult to fathom, they stay put in the marriage instead of leaving the union. They erroneously think that man would change and become a better person. It rarely happens except the Almighty God intervened directly and brought about a miraculous change.
Women need to know the bitter and toxic husband is unwilling to recognise his attitudinal deficit is unlikely to change. There must be a shift in the mind, for change to happen. This is why parents should stop encouraging their children to stay in toxic relationships just to avoid “social stigma.” Some women in toxic relationships claim that they stay put and endure because of their children. No woman should remain in a toxic relationship for the sake of the children. You have to save yourself first. Leave with the children if that is possible.
The best solution to a bitter and toxic man is to give him a wide berth. A man who does not appreciate the financial success of his wife is terribly missing out and clearly denying himself the key blessing God provides through a wife. Men embrace the success of your wives or wallow in abject poverty.
Dear women, the moment a husband becomes boorish, bitter, angry and toxic, treating you badly with control, satanically manipulative and a threat to life, please take a long walk from that relationship. A toxic bitter man can never change. Women understand and know peace.