Protecting the girl-child from sexual predators

By Kate Halim

Mothers of girl children are always on their toes when it comes to their daughters’ safety. Raising girls in an environment where sexual predators are always ready to take advantage of their innocence is hard. Saturday Sun spoke to some mothers who shared some of the steps they take to protect their girls from sexual predators.

Mrs. Nkeiruka Adaeze Chris-Ugbogu revealed that the first thing she did was to start teaching her daughter about sex education early. She talks to her about sexual abuse among kids her age and made sure that she knows all her friends at home, in church and in school. The protective mother said she watches out for things that her daughter does online while surfing the internet.

Chris-Ugbogu said: “I started teaching her the correct names for parts of her body, especially her female parts when she was two years old. Secondly, I told her that nobody should touch her vagina, not even her father. I also told her that if anybody should touch her inappropriately and threatened her afterwards, she should not be afraid to tell me as I am there to protect her.”

She stated that once in a while, she shares her life experiences with her daughter as well as other peoples’ stories, including that of girls her age who went out of their way to disobey their parents as well as the consequences of their actions. 

Chris-Ugbogu revealed that being open with her daughter keeps the communication flowing between them. She said that this way, she won’t hide anything from her even if a predator threatens her to do so. “I always look out for her relationship among family members, especially males,” Chris-Ugbogu added. 

For Onyeche Elizabeth Agbiti-Douglas, protecting girls from sexual predators starts with mothers building relationships with their daughters where they discuss such things comfortably.

Agbiti-Douglas noted that a mother who is uncomfortable calling private body parts by their names, or talking about sex may have a hard time having such conversations with her child. 

According to her, sex education starts from the time a child can understand instructions and starts verbalising their words. She said that from around 18 months to two years, parents should introduce children to parts of their bodies. Then from around three years old, the parents can start teaching them about private and public parts of the body. 

Agbiti-Douglas told Saturday Sun that when children are about three years old, mothers should teach them that certain parts of the body are okay for people to touch and others are not. She added that they should also teach them body autonomy, the fact that their body is theirs and if they are not comfortable with being touched, even on public parts, they have a right to refuse.

She said: “While protecting children against sexual predators, mothers need to consider age appropriate information. I taught my daughters to respect other people’s bodies. I taught them about good touches and bad touches. I also provided them with age appropriate information about their body parts and how their bodies should be respected.”

Agbiti-Douglas noted that there is a way to tell a child of eight years about how babies are made that is appropriate for their age and the level of details cannot be the same as when talking to a 12-year-old. 

She said that for a 12-year-old, who is at the stage of puberty, possibly seeing or about to see her period, telling her how sex works and how the make up of her body and some of the changes in it and in her male counterparts can lead to a baby is appropriate. 

“At each stage though, children need to know what is not proper. They also need to know that they can tell you and have you believe them. We warn them of the lies sex abusers tell to keep them quiet,” Agbiti-Douglas stated. 

Mrs. Ijeoma Onyebuchi told Saturday Sun that she doesn’t wait for the perfect time to talk to her eight-year-old daughter about sexual predators and how they groom little girls so that they can sexually molest them. Onyebuchi said that she turns every little opportunity to discussion time with her daughter. 

“The days are evil. Mothers shouldn’t leave anything to chance when it comes to protecting their girls from the monsters that are everywhere these days. Some women don’t trust their husbands, brothers and sons with their daughters and I don’t blame them. I taught my daughter to report anyone who touches her private body parts to me, no matter who the person is,” Onyebuchi said. 

Onyebuchi recalled that she was nervous the first time she spoke to her daughter about body parts. She revealed that her hands were shaking and she tried as much as possible to avoid her daughter’s piercing eyes while explaining to her why nobody should touch her private parts even if the person is a family member or a friend. She even told her daughter not to allow her father touch her intimate parts. 

“When I said that, my daughter looked at me intensely and asked why her daddy shouldn’t touch her body. I calmly explained that her daddy shouldn’t touch her private parts and not other parts of her body. I informed her that there were many bad guys out there who do bad things to girls who hide things from their mothers. I begged her to tell me anything about her life and not keep secrets from me,” Onyebuchi said. 

The mother of three, a Lagos-based businesswoman told Saturday Sun that teaching her daughter about personal and sexual safety became harder when she was about 11 years old. She said that her daughter was more inquisitive and adventurous and she feared for her safety so much that allowing her go out to buy something heightened her paranoia. 

“I constantly encourage my daughter to talk to me about anything, because sexual predators thrive on secrecy. They use threats and secrets to groom girls so that they can sexually molest them at will. I build trust by regularly talking to my daughter and encouraging her to talk to me about anything. I make her feel comfortable with raising any topic with me.”

Mrs. Adebisi Alabi has three daughters, aged three to ten. She said she fears for her daughters because of the many stories of rape, molestation and sexual assault she reads in the news every day. Alabi confessed that she is always apprehensive whenever her daughters are not with her. 

“I don’t like staying away from my girls even though I have been teaching them not to allow anyone touch their bodies. I told my husband recently that no male relative from our respective families is allowed to spend more than one night in our home and thankfully after explaining why, he saw reason with me,” Alabi added. 

One of the ways Alabi protects her daughters from falling prey to molesters is by discouraging them from keeping secrets from her. She said her daughters know they can tell her anything, ask her different questions and share their thoughts with her. According to Alabi who grew up in a large family and came close to being sexually molested twice, she is wary of any relative or family friend who tries so hard to gain her children’s trust because they can fool her into thinking they are trustworthy. 

“I taught my daughters not to sit on any uncle’s or daddy’s laps. My family members, neighbours and friends know that if any man calls any of my daughters ‘my wife,’ they will explain to me and my husband why a little girl should be called a wife.”

Alabi said that her daughters know that danger may come from someone they trust so they know the difference between a bad touch and a good touch. She said she constantly tells them that if anybody, male or female touches their private parts, they should come to her or their father for help. 

Yemi Dabiri is a counsellor and child protection advocate. She told Saturday Sun that some of the ways parents can protect their children from being sexually abused include by building up their self-esteem, affirming them, paying attention to them, respecting them, allowing them try new things, telling them they are beautiful, smart and intelligent. 

Dabiri noted that doing these things will enable these children have a positive opinion about themselves and place value on themselves which will make it difficult for any abuser to groom them.   

According to her, another thing parents can do to protect their girls and even their boys from predators is teaching them how to set boundaries, especially body boundaries and ensure no one crosses it, including family members and friends. 

She said: “Boundaries should not be limited to strangers, because 90 per cent of perpetrators of sexual abuse are known to the child’s family. Parents should let children know that boundaries are about their space and their comfort. They should teach children how to respect physical boundaries, for example, by not forcing them to hug or kiss family members when they do not wish to do so. This reinforces the fact that people have the right to say ‘no’ to physical contact.”

Dabiri added that in protecting children against possible predators, parents need to educate them about feelings. Children should be taught about different types of feelings which include butterflies in their tummy, feeling angry, sad, disappointed, pain, happy etc. She added that this will enable them verbalise how they feel if and when being touched inappropriately.

“Parents should educate their children that it’s okay to make a scene or be loud when their boundaries are being crossed or they need to stop an action they are not comfortable with. They should know that it’s okay to tell and ask for help when needs arises. Children should be taught to believe their instincts, and if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe around someone, they should leave immediately and tell a trusted adult,” Dabiri said.

Dabiri revealed that children raised with accurate and honest information about sex and their bodies have an easier time in adolescence and adulthood when it comes to navigating sexual relationships. She noted that sexual predators are never on the lookout for informed children because their targets are uniformed, lone and unsupervised children.