On April 30, 2024, Pastor Joseph Terwase Biam and Mrs Ruth Mne Biam clocked 30 years in marriage. Pastor Biam works with the Benue State University, (BSU) Makurdi, as a senior technologist in the Department of Physics. He hails from Tombo, Mbayar Council Ward in Buruku Local Government Area (LGA) of Benue State. His wife is a director with the Ministry of Information, Benue State. The union is blessed with four children.
In this interview with SCHOLASTICA HIR in Makurdi, Pastor Joseph Biam said the marriage has been sustained on God’s kind of love, which is sacrificial giving and forgiveness.
His wife, Mrs Biam noted: “We were young Christians in church, praying that God should bring a man who will love me and someone we would serve God together and He answered our prayers. By God’s grace, we had been serving him together.”
How did it start and where?
Pastor Joseph: We were members of same church. Her father was a member of Faith Centre, Makurdi, a faith arm of All Church Evangelical Ministries founded by Archbishop Pious Diege of blessed memory. Then I was a pastor and secretary to the bishop. That was where we met but when we met in church, I didn’t know I was going to marry her. We were relating like normal church members, as brothers and sisters in the house of God, not as a lady I would marry one day. So we met in church.
Mrs Ruth: That is true. We met in church.
At what point did you discover you are in love with her, and how did you propose?
Pastor Joseph: I was praying and marriage is something that comes within your spirit. It’s not just the physical attraction but somehow there is a pull within you towards a certain person. So there was that pull and I was getting closer to her and one day, I told her “would you like to marry me” and she said no. After she said no, we stayed apart a little bit and later we came back again and she agreed and we got married.
Why no at first and yes later?
Mrs Ruth: At first I didn’t see him in that space. I said he should give me time. He wanted to know why and I said to him that I wanted to marry someone that is older and not someone with just two years older but like 10 years or so. I was thinking that he was too young. Then my dad would advise us not to look out for money or a handsome man because every other girl would want a handsome man but we should look for the one we could have to ourselves. I had those things in my head and again, I wanted an older person so he could be like a father figure because with him, it’s like we were friends. So when I said no, he went away but after some time, I started praying and seeing myself going back to talk to him. So we still got back together.
Why did you choose her?
Pastor Joseph: When I relate with people, I don’t like lies. If you say something to me today and tell me another thing the next day, I wouldn’t like it. As I related with her she never told me any lie. If she tells me something today, if I ask her the next day, she will tell me the same thing unlike the other ladies that told me lies. A particular lady even lied to me about her age and I said if she lied about age, what else had she lied about? But she never lied at all.
Why did you go for him?
Mrs Ruth: At this point it was simple. I had given my life to Christ and there is this teaching in church that we should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. That was drummed into our ears. It’s not like today that you see people in church speaking in tongues and marrying someone who hasn’t been to church for one day. Then it was a serious matter. So the other people who were around me then were not born again. A particular guy came and was so nice to my mum and my mother liked him and was convinced that he was the person fit for me but I wasn’t seeing him like that. One day my mum took ill and needed blood; the guy showed up with almost 10 people to donate blood. So she kept pressing that I should go for him but they didn’t know the things I know about God and there was no way to explain it to her. But for him, we were in the same church, I was in the choir, he was a pastor and so I was more at home with him than the other ones. So it was easy to cut away from those ones.
So when she came back, did you take time to propose?
Pastor Joseph: No no no, I didn’t waste time. When she came back, we just went straight because I didn’t want to hear anything has happened again (both laughing). In fact, then there was nothing like kneeling down, bringing ring. So when she said yes, I went to my Archbishop and told him. He was a person that didn’t like long courtship. He usually says one year is enough, what are you waiting for? So we quickly went ahead to do the necessary rights.
Mrs Ruth: Don’t mind him. It wasn’t like he knows how to propose well. It was just to get a yes so he could go and tell our father in the Lord that the girl had finally said yes.
When you introduced her to your people, did anyone object to the marriage?
Pastor Joseph: Not at all because I left my village at eight years and went into ministry. They knew I was an independent-minded person and if I want to do something, I go ahead and do it. I’m such a person that if you want to resist me, I will just keep quiet and walk away. So at that point, they knew I wasn’t telling them to agree or not agree, so they went on with me for the marriage.
My mum was only concerned about one thing – which was that I had not been to the university and I was marrying someone who was in the university. So she was encouraging me to go to school as well.
Mrs Ruth: Yes some of my friends objected. They were worried for me that he didn’t have money and how would he then take care of me? In fact, one of my friends said, Mne, you can’t marry somebody and go and be drinking garri. My mum too was not completely convinced because she said the other guy had money and was caring but I tried to convince her that it’s not about the money and she agreed, attended the wedding and supported us.
What was your first misunderstanding about and how was it resolved?
Pastor Joseph: I remember the first issue was over my younger brother who was staying with us. It wasn’t a big issue because it was resolved soon as it started.
Mrs Ruth: I remember an issue before that one. It was a shocker to me. After we got married, it didn’t take long that I became pregnant. There was this mother I had in church. I would go to church and sit, I would not be comfortable because of the pregnancy. After a while, I would go out and come back. So one day after Bible study, she called me outside and said, “Mne, you are an educated person. Why did you behave like an illiterate? You just got married and immediately you are pregnant. You should have planned…” I felt so bad and I immediately left church and went home and I was crying seriously. So when he came back and saw me crying, I expected that he would hold me and console me but my husband did as if it was nothing. He only asked what the matter was and when I told him, he just said ‘is that why you are crying, you don’t want to be pregnant?’ And he went his way. So I never expected that. It was my first shocker and I said so all these things I told him, there was no reason to cry? This is me coming from where my father will pet you, find something to give you, make you stop crying. So I started missing my father. After that I had to advise myself to be a little bit strong. (Both laughing).
What food is his favourite?
Mrs Ruth: His favourite food is akpu and vegetable soup. When we were younger, I used to serve him myself but now he doesn’t mind who serves him. Our children are now grown up and whoever is cooking and serving, he eats.
Pastor Joseph: Her favourite food is rice with moi moi, salad.
Thirty years down the line, what do you like most about your wife?
Pastor Joseph: She is a child of God and she loves the Lord. Someone who is a Christian is a Christian any day. She is a member of the Nigeria Union of Journalists (NUJ), she goes for their meeting and other activities and I trust my wife. I don’t suspect her to start asking, where did you go? Like I said before, marriage is of God. If you fear God, you will work within the confines of marital rules that God has set in marriage. People complain of adultery in marriage and it’s because they don’t have the fear of God. So she loves the Lord and that makes me happy. She is a good mother to all her children including the ones staying with us.
I remember when I was a pastor with All Nations Church, my income was minimum and wasn’t coming regularly. She was taking the bulk of the financial burden in the house. She sustained the family greatly before I got a job with BSU, and finally took over the financial burden of the house. I wanted to pay her back. With all of that, she still was making sure that everyone was fine, well fed and well dressed.
She remained herself, very loving and she never mistreated me for one day. We related as friends and we are still relating as friends. She never behaved like she was the boss. I love and admire her for all that.
What would you advise young couples and bachelors going into marriage?
Pastor Joseph: My advice is not just to the young couples but to anybody who is married. Marriage is built on love. A thousand people will define love differently; affection, romantic love but that’s not what I’m talking about. Love walks on two feet, sacrificial giving and forgiveness. If you are married, you must be ready to forgive, you must be ready to sacrifice for your spouse. That is what is called love. When Jesus was hung on the cross, it was love in demonstration but it wasn’t time for kissing. Love is a spiritual force; it’s not found in the body. So love is what keeps every marriage and love in the spirit, not in the physical because sometimes the physical body is telling you some things that are wrong and so you must listen to your spirit and that is the advantage the children of God have. If you don’t listen to your spirit, if you listen to the body, you will miss it.
Secondly some people think if I have so much money my marriage would work. Recently in this country, a billionaire divorced her husband and in America a billionaire even divorced a billionaire. You begin to wonder, is it money? So marriage is not just about money. Money is good, it has its own place in marriage and we run this physical world with money. If we don’t have money, we will be stressed out but it is not all that is needed. It’s not about money but it’s about the fact that you allow the love of God in the spirit to control you. You allow the love of God in your heart to dominate you such that you are totally controlled by the love of God.
Then to young people getting into marriage, marriage is for men. Being a man doesn’t mean you should be 50. I discovered that people are getting too old before they marry. I married at 27. People stay too long and if you stay long like that, you will also have a problem in your marriage. I was preaching one time and I said if you come to marry my daughters and you are 40, I will send you away because at 40, you are already made, you won’t be able to change to adjust to your wife. Like when we got married and till today, I wash her clothes, in pounding, I’m very good. I pound her food and even now that we have grown children, I pound when I’m happy.
Again sometimes we are too official. You need to find a way to relate to your wife. If you are too official you will have issues. Some people, their wives cannot go to their office except they take permission. We should be friendlier with our spouses. So young people getting into marriage, if they’re God’s children, they must understand that God hates divorce and that is the reason they should look before they leap, they should be sure that this is the one they have decided to stay with until death do them part. So if they are getting married they must be ready to stay married because getting married is different and staying married is different and it takes a lot of patience to stay married. If you divorce your wife or husband, it will affect him or her and it will also affect the children. For us who are living preachers and Christians, we are an example to a lot of people so we must be careful.
Some guys marry ladies who are rich; they are looking for the money. They call them gold diggers. So they shouldn’t go into marriage for the purpose of digging gold. They should go into marriage because they love the woman and love is essentially sacrifice and forgiveness. Not just romantic love, but God’s kind of love which is sacrificial.
What would your advice be for spinsters going into marriage?
Mrs Ruth: When I was getting married, someone asked me if I was ready and if we had discussed money. I didn’t understand what he meant but later I understood. In as much as I am not an advocate of a spinster saying she must marry an already-made husband, let the person have something he is doing that is bringing some income. It could be a business or some skills. It’s very important for both, especially the man. This love we profess, when there is no money, both of you would be annoying yourselves. So find something to do.
I also advise the ladies to also look at the person’s spiritual life. Does he love Godm because somebody that loves God would truly love you. There are many fakes in churches. Don’t say because you met him or her in church, then you jump at it.
As a lady, have a level of maturity, know what you want. Don’t look for already made. People have had everything and the marriage is still not working. During courtship, check if he is showing love and commitment. Is he making sacrifices? Don’t say it doesn’t matter now. When we marry, he will change and then later you start complaining. Plan your life, he must not have everything but he has a vision and is working towards something and you too can key into that vision and make things work out for both of you. That should be paramount. Some ladies are talking about six packs, tall and handsome and there are so many ladies in that space looking for the same six packs and tall. My dad used to say, don’t marry a husband that every other lady wants. Marry the one that is for you.
They must know that God says I hate divorce and why would you want to do something that God hates. If you have issues, work it out except when your life is at stake. People have died in marriage because we say God does not like divorce. If your life is threatened, in that case you can separate, stay apart for some time until when his senses come back. If you settle it, you can come back.
As you are getting married, make up your mind not to live a life of adultery. Let God lead the way and this way, you will have a marriage everyone wants to emulate.