By Josfyn Uba
“Most abusive people battle with low self-esteem. Instead of them finding a way to deal with their issues, they vent their anger and insecurity on their partners. At a point, I told myself: I am worth more than this, I can’t take this anymore. These men first target your self-esteem and once they crush it, you become so vulnerable. You will be like: ‘Is this the man I fell in love with?’ I reminded myself that the key to my happiness was in my hands, and I left and never looked back.”
That was how Chiamaka Ugoo captured some of the unsavoury experiences in her abusive relationship in an interview with Daily Sun.
Ugoo is a radio host and advocate for young women. She discussed her mentorship initiative for teenage girls, drawing nuggets of wisdom from her book, Helping Her Win, which paints real-life scenarios of mistakes and consequences in life that young women should learn from and avoid.
You narrated your ordeal in an abusive relationship in one of the chapters of your book. How did you survive and overcome abuse?
One of my favourite quotes says, “I remembered who I was and the game changed.” I knew who I was. I knew I deserved to be treated better. I knew my worth, I realized my worth. At times, some women see the red flags of an abusive partner but they stay back because of twisted or misplaced love. They say, “I love him so much, I can’t do without him.” Others fear that age is not on their side, “I am getting to 30. I am in my early thirties. I am getting to 40. What will I do? Will I get another man to love me at this age?”
For some, it’s a lack of self-confidence. They don’t believe in themselves anymore, because constant abuse from the man has crushed their self-esteem to the point that they don’t believe they can amount to anything without that abusive man. For some, it is the fear of being alone. Most times, some women feel that a man completes them, without a man, they can’t survive. But that is not enough reason to be treated like trash.
Most abusive people battle with low self-esteem. Instead of them finding a way to deal with their issues, they vent their anger and insecurity on their partners. At a point, I told myself: I am worth more than this, I can’t take this anymore. These men first target your self-esteem and once they crush it, you become vulnerable. You would be like: “Is this the man I fell in love with?” I reminded myself that the key to my happiness was in my hands and I left and never looked back.
What was the motivation for the book?
All my life, it has always been my aspiration to write a book but I had been waiting for the right time to do so. My book is about inspiring lessons and experiences of a mother passionate about mentoring young women to win. Most of the stories in the book are my own experiences and the experiences of people I know personally. I made some mistakes in my teenage years because I did not have a mentor or someone to look up to or talk to.
Some of the mistakes by young girls are avoidable, if parents are more open to discussion with their children. In my book, I recounted these experiences.
Aside from the book, are there other mentorship tools you are utilising?
I have the Chiamaka Ugoo Foundation, where we mentor young women. We have different projects we oversee. I go to secondary schools to mentor young girls, talk to them, engage them. I share my experiences, challenges of life, situations, and some of the mistakes they need to avoid so they don’t mess up their lives because, in most cases, some mistakes are irreversible and irredeemable.
What made you decide to open up to the world?
As I have said, you cannot be a good life coach, if, first and most importantly, you are not honest. He who comes to equity must come with clean hands, and I think, with this book, that is what I have done. It’s a no-holds-barred book.
How has the reception been?
It has been awesome. I get messages every day from people asking me, “Please can you just adopt me as your younger sister?” It’s heartwarming that people relate to this book and truly understand the lessons and morals I’m trying to impart. The feedback has been encouraging and it is on OkadaBooks and Amazon, where it can be purchased.
What are life’s most important lessons?
The major one is that no human being is perfect. When I was young and naive, I felt that certain people were perfect. But as you grow up, you know that there is no perfect human being and there is no perfect relationship. It is just two imperfect individuals trying to make it work. Another important one: whatever mistake you make today and whatever the outcome, you will live with it.
In your book, you criticized the Baby Mama trend. For a woman that has not been lucky in love approaching her mid-forties, would she be wrong to take that route?
Most times, life is unfair to the female folk.
If a woman finds herself in that category and she wants a child, I think she should do the needful and have a child―it is a scary prospect growing old with no partner or child. Aside from this reason, the Baby Mamas I am talking about in my book are young women in their 20s having children for musicians or wealthy men as a means of income. It is disgusting. There is simply no dignity in being a Baby Mama. Sadly, and shamefully, there are several of them prancing around and flouting their shameless acts. The life of a Baby Mama is not rosy. Some women in that situation try to portray otherwise. They come out on social media showcasing picture-perfect lives. It is all lies. Any young woman that deliberately settles for the life of being a Baby Mama does not place value on herself. Again, referencing your question, except in a situation where the woman is getting to the stage of menopause, you can go ahead and have a child, asides from that, I don’t think any woman should disrespect herself to that extent, there is no fun there. If that man loves you so much, he should make an honest woman of you.
How did you get the courage to write such exposé, being open, discussing your experiences, the savoury and unsavoury ones?
The courage came from my desire to see young women live beautiful, happy and fruitful lives. I have always been passionate about young women. It did not start today. When I was 16 years old, I authored my first book, a small book for young girls, titled, It Pays to be Patient. It was the story of a young girl. In a society where most mothers cannot have heart-to-heart conversations with their daughters, I want to fill the gap for most young women who don’t have anyone to talk to. From my outreach programmes, I’m able to connect with these young girls. The stories I hear from these 14, 15, 16 years old girls are experiences that some adults have not had. I desire to make sure that young girls don’t make so many mistakes in life, I want them to learn from other people’s instead. I want to inspire, motivate and educate as many young women as I can. I also chose to write this book to give young women hope in a part of the world where it seems all hope is lost.
What is your advice to women going through abuse?
The book has a chapter on abuse and its accompanying issues, advice and solutions. To any woman going through any form of abuse, please, don’t feel something is wrong with you. You were just unlucky to meet one person who doesn’t know your worth or see your value. Otherwise, there are still some good men out there who will treat you like the queen that you are. I tell you, young woman, don’t die in pain. Thinking that your life will end without that relationship or you can’t find another man to love you if you leave him, it is a big lie. Your life and sanity are more important than a relationship. Believe in yourself and you will get a man who knows your worth and will love, respect, adore and protect you exactly the way you deserve. That’s my advice to young women.
Tell us about your stint on radio?
When I worked in radio, I anchored an Igbo programme “Gwam Okwu (Talk to me) With Adadioranma” on Kpakpando 101.9FM. It was a programme for the grassroots, where politics, governance, trends and matters arising were dissected and properly analyzed for a better Nigeria. It was a popular programme, where the ordinary citizen interacted with politicians vying for elective positions.
Does that mean you were into political advocacy?
Yes, if you put it like that. My main focus was on people getting the right candidates. At the end of the day, I think the person most of the people wanted won.
What informed your decision to set up such a programme?
I just wanted an atmosphere where people could interact with the candidates because these candidates are far away from people. There are no such programmes on any radio station presently, to the best of my knowledge. Chances are very slim that a marketwoman can meet Soludo, for instance, and say: “Look at the problems we have. How can you solve it for us?”
So, I wanted to create a platform where candidates were easily accessible and informed firsthand of the problems the masses were facing.
Did you achieve that goal?
I think I was able to do that, to a large extent, because of the number of calls that came through. It was a weekly programme and the large pool of people that called in was a glaring testament, and, of course, the ratings.
Before this programme, what were you doing?
I was abroad. For almost 12 years I lived in Europe and South Africa. I came back and attended the National Broadcast Academy, Lagos. I have also authored a book since then.
How would you advice today’s young girls?
Never accept lower than you deserve. Your only purpose in life is not to be a wife; you have a greater purpose which you must achieve with hard work and perseverance. Work so hard so that a happy and fulfilled future will be guaranteed for you.
You’re so strong and brave and you can achieve anything you put your mind on. Nothing should ever make you feel worthless to settle for less than you deserve when you know your worth. Do not let society pressure you into a marriage you don’t want because you will suffer the outcome alone. Your purpose in life isn’t just to be a wife. Find your purpose and work towards it. Be a little patient and the right man for you will come. Remember, no time is too late for marriage.