Abdulrazaq Mungadi, Gombe
Being a single mother in Northern Nigeria comes with a lot of stress and condemnation. Unlike in some other states in the South, where being single and mothering is fast becoming fashionable, in the North, it is cold, derogatory and lonely to be a single mother. It is offensive to the tradition and the belief of the region.
That notwithstanding, there is a growing tribe of single mothers in many cities of the North. Some of them are divorced without security, some are adorned in the condition by factors beyond their control, while some are invited to this lifestyle by the tinkling urge of prostitution. In all these conditions and circumstances, it is another sad story of its own.
Story of single mothers
Hafsat is a single lonely mother who now lodges in a brothel in Gombe metropolis, Gombe State. She is one of the numerous commercial sex workers attending to the pleasures of different male patrons on a daily basis.
According to the 23-year-old lady, who is trapped in a profession she would never have wished for her enemy, she was frustrated out of marriage and literally chased into the sex trade because she has to fend for her three-year-old daughter:
«I am the second born of my lovely family. I used to be loved and pampered by all the members of my family. It was sweet and had seemed to last forever. But it all ended abruptly, when they realized I was pregnant for a boy I met in my school.
“The most painful aspect is that the boy eventually denied being responsible for my pregnancy and I was left in the cold. I was in SSS 2 when I first met and fell in love with him. He was my classmate and we had been together for about two years, promising marry each other soon after our studies. He even introduced me to his mother and his sisters.
«Unfortunately, after our first intimate union, I missed my period. That was the beginning of my very miserable life. When I told him about it, he cried and cried, saying no, no, no. We have ruined our relationship and our chance of ever getting married.”
Hafsat, who still hopes to remarry someday, revealed that she became a prostitute because of the social pressure and contempt. She added that when it became unbearable, she decided to spend sometime with some friends whose bad influence landed her in a brothel.
As for her family, she has nothing but good words for them, adding that she knew their actions were not intended to torment her or to destroy her, rather they were only responding to the shame that her pregnancy bought upon them:
“You know pregnancy outside marriage is insulting to the family. It is also a proof that the family has failed in bringing up its children.”
Another single mother is Safiya. She is 24 and lives with her family in a mud house inside Gombe metropolis.
Her marriage crashed seven years ago and since then, she has remained single to endure the scorn of the society and the lonely wait for another marriage intended man. Time is counting and age is coming fast, she always tells herself.
She told Daily Sun: “Many people, including some of our neighbors in this quarters, thought my pregnancy was outside my marriage. They did not believe that it was during my brief marriage. I didn’t know that that was the impression most of them had of me until very recently. I also realised that this ugly impression was responsible for dissuading my many suitors.
“I have had more than 10 men coming to ask for my hand in marriage. The funny thing is that none of them ever stayed long enough to get know me better or to hear the side of my story.
“Except for one of them, who really wanted to marry me, but was stopped by his own family who had insisted that he must honor their culture of picking a first wife from their home tribe.
“Some people you might want to run to for help, will want to take advantage of your situation. They would want you to come over so both of you could help each other.”
Safiya recalled one of her neighbors who came and told her that his wife had traveled and their bed was so quiet: “The neighbor said, ‘I want you to come and keep it warm even if it is for some time.’ Can you imagine? That was what he wanted from me in return for helping me with some money I had asked of him then. The erroneous belief is that single mothers are in need of men and at such, they can do anything to have a man do it for them.”
For Fauziya, 27, the situation is devastating when a girl is impregnated before marriage: “That is because most girls that put to bed before marriage end up selling sex or living with the shame of not having any suitor for the rest of their lives.
“I have seen so many boys impregnate a girls they claim to love and yet deny responsibility, only to move on to other victims. And you know most of these girls end up abandoning themselves to look after their babies.”
Fauziya who has become a single mother, blamed the Northern society for not looking at the phenomenon from the victims’ perspectives.
Community perspective
Alhaji Kawu Nafada, a lecturer with Federal University Kashere (FUK), said the society has not helped matters on this issue of single motherhood: «The most devastating part is that the children of these mothers, who are innocent, tend to become the biggest victims of the phenomenon.
“I recently organised a number of friends to contribute to pay school fee for a pupil whose mother was a victim of such problem in my area. You need to see what I did to get N15,000 contribution. Our people don’t care about these single mothers, whose children are always vulnerable to child abuse and are sometimes, exposed to crimes.”
Sheik Hamza Abdulhamid, Gombe State leader of Jama’atu Izalati Bidi’a Wa Ikamatu Sunnah (JIBWIS), Jos, held there are more not being said about the conditions of single mothers. He stressed that some single mothers have, in the past, abused the kind gestures of their immediate communities: “They most at times turned what was intended to be charity into right, and you know, people cannot render such help under duress.
“However, it is un-Islamic for anyone to ignore such people when they come for help or use the opportunity to ask for something in return, particularly when the request has anything to do with sinning against God. God forgives all sorts of sins why it is hard for society to forgive and forget such people and their sins?
“As Muslims or human beings we must learn to forget the mistakes of people who openly repent if we must live in peace and harmony. You cannot be judging people for sins that God has forgiven. We must all also remember that kids have nothing to do with what their parents did to produce them.”