My elder sister just lost her husband. This period is particularly very traumatic for all of us and most especially for her, because she is recuperating from a recent operation. The death of her husband is all over the news and so we couldn’t hide it from her. She hasn’t been herself and we are afraid that this may be worse when she comes back home. How do we help her? What do we say or not say? What signs should we watch out for?
Nonso, Lagos
It’s often hard to know what to say or do when someone you care about is grieving. You may be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making the person feel even worse. Or maybe you feel there’s little you can do to make things better. While you can’t take away the pain of the loss, you can provide much-needed comfort and support. There are many ways to help a grieving friend or family member, starting with letting the person know you care.
The death of a loved one is one of life’s most difficult experiences. The bereaved struggle with many intense and frightening emotions, including depression, anger, and guilt. Often, she feels isolated and alone in her grief, but having someone to lean on can help her through the grieving process.
I will say don’t let discomfort prevent you from reaching out to your sister who is currently grieving. Now, more than ever, your support is needed. You might not know exactly what to say or what to do, but that’s okay. You don’t need to have answers or give advice. The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is to simply be there; your support and caring presence will help her cope with the pain and begin to heal.
What NOT to say to someone who has lost a loved one
The truth is there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not always unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It can be an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling the bereaved what she “should” be feeling or doing.
Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and fear are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess about the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. The bereaved needs reassurance that what she feels is normal. Don’t judge them or take her grief reactions personally.
There is no set timetable for grieving. For many people, recovery after bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, but for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don’t pressure the bereaved to move on or make them feel like they’ve been grieving too long. This can actually slow the healing process.