Make those with successful marriages your role models
– Pastor Philip
Ladies, don’t go into marriage because you need a man to take care of you
– Pastor Ebi
From Femi Folaranmi, Yenagoa
Pastor Philip Kosuowei, Senior Pastor of Reigning Peoples International Assembly Church and his wife, Pastor Ebi Kosuowei, have declared that any marriage that lacks God and prayers is heading for the rocks. The couple, in an interview, attributed the success of their union in the past 22 years to God.
How did you meet your wife?
Pastor Philip: I met her at the early stage of our ministry, when our ministry started. She came to be a part of the work. I had this belief that for me to have a great future, I have to get married early. I trusted God and was prayerful, got connected to her, and we got married.
What qualities did you see in her that attracted you?
Pastor Philip: I saw several qualities in her. One, I saw someone that feared God. Two, I saw someone who had an interest in the assignment God gave me that time. Thirdly, I also got led about it, that she was the right person for me. So that was how I got connected to her.
Madam, what qualities did you see in him that made you accept his marriage proposal?
Pastor Ebi: The time that we met and he proposed to me, basically there was nothing on the ground. So, the love was not about material things. But I saw in him a principled person. I saw in him a person who, once he sets a goal, would do everything to achieve it. He is also very focused. I love this about him.
Was there any opposition to your marriage?
Pastor Ebi: Yes, there was a slight opposition from my father’s family. I was the youngest among the daughters, so my uncle came up with this argument that those older than me should get married first. But God took control.
What roles do God and prayers play in marriages?
Pastor Philip: Prayers and God have a lot of roles to play in marriages. As a matter of fact, there is no marriage without prayers, and there is no successful marriage without God. The Bible made it clear that except God builds the House, the builders build in vain. So, for any marriage to be successful, God must be involved. I used to tell people that when you get married by God’s direction, you still have little challenges in the family not to now talk about when you do not have God’s backing. That would bring serious crises. So, God is involved in marriage. You can’t have a successful marriage without God.
As a pastor, how do you balance God’s work and being a father and husband at home?
Pastor Philip: I have discovered that I can’t be a good father to the church if I can’t be a good father to my family. So, my family comes as the number one priority. I must pastor my family well before talking about the church. Because if I am not qualified to pastor my family, then I am not qualified to pastor the church. So, I do everything to make the family get the best as the number one priority. Sometimes, those in the ministry are so concerned about ensuring the ministry is successful and about getting things done while neglecting the family. I believe in the family and that family must be in place for you to be in place.
How do you see yourself as the wife of a pastor?
Pastor Ebi: It is very challenging. You need to balance family, the church, and work. It is just the grace of God that one is relying on. It also involves knowing your role. You should know what to do at what time. When you should attend church activities, you don’t bring in other things. You need to set your priorities to know when is the time for family and work and when is the time for the church. It is not by might but by the grace of God.
What role does a prayerful wife play in sustaining a marriage?
Pastor Ebi: A prayerful wife plays a major role because the wife of the pastor is the mother of the church. Just like the role a mother plays in the life of a child, that is the role the wife of a pastor plays in the church. The wife needs to back up the husband, who is at the warfront fighting. So, if, as a wife, you are careless, a lot of things could go wrong. Sometimes, when the pastor is praying for others, the attack comes to the family. So, if you are not prayerful, you are heading for the trouble.
What advice would you give to a bachelor planning to get married?
Pastor Philip: He should allow his marriage to be on a foundation of God. Number two, never step into a marriage with the mindset that there will be a divorce. Number three, when you marry, do everything possible to make it work. Your role models should be those you see succeed in marriages. When you follow those whose marriages have crashed, they will give you bad reports, but when you follow those whose marriages have worked for them, it would also work for you. Those you associate with determine what convinces you. Also, make sure you trust in God in everything you do. When I got married, I ensured that I connected myself with the right people. I had the vision of the marriage I wanted, and I had to trust God to achieve it.
Madam, what advice would you give to a spinster planning to marry?
Pastor Ebi: Anybody that is about to get married must understand that going into marriage is not about getting something. It is a responsibility. You must be ready to give, be ready to make adjustments. Going into marriage, you must be resolute that you have to go and make it work. You should not be in marriage because you wanted someone to take care of you. Many young girls marry because they say they are of age, so they must marry. Some marry because they need someone to take care of them. That is why some marry and see things differently. But if you enter a marriage with the mindset that you are going to give it all and make the sacrifice, then the marriage will be a success. You can also seek knowledge from those whose marriages are successful by imitating what they did to make their marriage work.
When I got married, I had my challenges. So now I am in a position to advise those growing up. When I married, I had no knowledge, no understanding about marriage. My parents were not together. My mum raised us as a single mother. So, I did not live with my parents as a couple to know how the wife should relate with the husband. So, I had that challenge as I did not know how to relate to my husband, especially how to communicate. But thank God for the man I got married to; he never gave up on me. He bought me books, took me to marriage seminars, and visited our mother in the Lord who, as a mentor, guided me. And this has helped me. Now, I can confidently tell young girls to try and read books and know certain things before they marry. They should not marry just for the sake of it. There is much to marriage than what people see.
How should couples handle finances?
Pastor Philip Kosuowei: Scripturally, when you are married to someone, both of you have become one. So, the money that belongs to you should be shared with your spouse. Personally, I don’t believe that the husband has his own money separate from the wife. The money is meant for the family. That is what I believe. Couples should be open to themselves. One of the things that give challenges in marriages is finances because couples are not open to themselves. They are not transparent. They are hiding issues of money.
I tell my wife everything about the money that comes into my hand. Even if I have spent it, I would still tell her. There was a time I got some money, which I spent on God’s work. She did not even get up to N20,000 from the money, but she did not complain because I told her what I used the money for. Money is not supposed to bring challenges to a family. What I have belongs to my wife, and what she has belongs to me. When the wife is in need, the man must meet the need and vice versa. Something happened in my house. I had money, but I had already moved the money to an account where I could only withdraw with a cheque. Now, I had a health challenge, and I had no money in hand to go to the hospital. My wife said I should go to the hospital, but I told her that I didn’t have cash with me since I had transferred the money to the account. She told me she was going to pay for it. She took me to the hospital and paid for it. With what she did, how do you now expect that I would have money and hide it from her? Couples should trust each other and be open.
How should couples resolve their differences?
Pastor Ebi: I would use myself as an example. I communicate a lot with my husband. If we have any differences, we talk about them. There is something he does not like; we talk about it. There is something I don’t like; we will talk about it.
Couples should not dwell on the past. Issues that had happened years ago are brought up again. These are what cause problems in marriages. Couples hoping to go forward should learn to forgive and forget the past. Couples must settle differences and not prolong misunderstandings. When we got married, we made a decision that we would never sleep over any misunderstanding. Before we sleep, we must resolve it. If we are unable to resolve it, before daybreak, we must resolve it. Couples must learn to communicate. Communication is very important.
What is your husband’s favourite food?
Pastor Ebi: He loves rice. Rice stew and beans, Jollof rice and chicken, fried plantain.
What is your wife’s favourite food?
Pastor Philip: She loves Eba, KKF (plantain porridge) with pepper soup.
What is your general advice to couples?
Pastor Philip: For those in marriage, my advice is for them to be patient, see the best come out of their marriage, push ahead, and maintain the love. Couples should take prayers seriously. It helps a lot to bring them together.
Pastor Ebi: Couples should try as much as possible to create time for each other. They should know that physical intimacy is very important. They should respect each other and not take each other for granted.