With tomorrow in mind, husbands should do their utmost to provide for their families. There is no way a husband who has demonstrated full responsibility in ensuring the welfare of his family would be abandoned in the future; the wife and children are very unlikely to turn their backs when thing go bad for him. Instead, there have been testimonies where women and children painted colourful pictures of how the head of the household had done well for them. I am not talking of social media posts where battered women praise their husbands in pretence.
One of such glorious moment was recorded in Ondo State, when 76-year-old Pa Oshikoya, a farmer who trained his three daughters with the proceeds from his cocoa plantation until they all graduated.
On passing out from the national youth service, his first daughter, Eniola, honoured her father, a widower, with a special visit at the farm in the company of her fellow corps members, all dressed in their uniforms. .
They mounted an honour guard, sang the NYSC anthem and then saluted Pa Oshikoya in his tattered farm clothes. Eniola wore the father her youth corp uniform and presented him with her NYSC discharge certificate. It was a day of celebration for the family. If the widowed father had been busy gallivanting with women and neglected his daughter, he would not have been honoured in the farmhouse.
In the same vein, Dr Grace Ekong will always tell you that her father remains the best because of the way he treated them. “Though my parents were separated, but my brother and I never lacked, both his presence and finances. Since he could not come to the new house where we lived with our mother to see us, he would always come to school or church. All that we needed from him were met including his presence during our school activities.” Now, children with this mindset can never abandon their father, good or bad. When a father is present in the lives of his children, even at death, they will never abandon him.
Recently, a supposed Nollywood actor cried out on social media how his ex-wife walked down their only daughter to the altar as she was joined in holy matrimony with her Caucasian husband. Netizens took out time to respond in their various submissions. While some supported the mother-daughter, others condemned their action. Well, this piece is not about to judge the separated couple but to create awareness to avoid future occurrence.
While noting accurately that no one has all the knowledge of Socrates, people should learn to do what is universally acceptable and socially desirable. Separated couples should not let their ego and pride trample on their children. Go the extra mile to do your best in that cranky situation and leave the rest for God.
Generally speaking, there are so many men who take out their separation and divorce on their children. They just abandon their responsibilities, love and care for the children and expect to reap at the end of the day. Such men, I call them Obiageri-husbands and fathers. (Obiageri in Igbo means …who comes, will enjoy whether you work hard or not).
They also forget to realize the dangers and red flag they are flying in the lives of their children. It is applicable to both men and women. Parents, when your relationships become toxic, you can separate or divorce to avoid murder. But, do not neglect your children. Do not indoctrinate them, allow them see from the tiny window of life. Be present in their lives. Treat them well bearing in mind that Africans depend on their children at old age. Same African parents stand tall when their children bring back laurels of all sorts. Most absentee fathers do not partake in most celebrations due to shame and regret.
With what happened at the Nollywood actor’s daughter’s wedding, it should become an eye opener for all. Probably, gone are the days when both men and women do not reap where they did not sow any longer. A common saying then used to be “When the children grow up, they will look for their father or mother.” The narratives seem to be changing gradually. Today’s Generation Z’ children are not looking at whose ox is gored in their choice and decisions about life. No one knows what happened between Daddy and daughter. But from what transpired on the said wedding day coupled with the pictures posted online, netizens were made to understand that bride’s mother walked her daughter down the aisle. This is usually done by fathers or male representatives. Again, the non-presence of her father did not stop the celebration either. She went ahead and savoured the joy of her big day with her darling husband. On another view, if she was daddy’s girl, if there was a father-daughter relationship, communications and friendliness, it would have been the other way round. If Daddy cannot make, he would send representatives. Things happen for others to learn.
Another Nollywood actor is also very busy acting film with his new wife on all social media platforms. Both husband, ex-wife, new wife, children from the first marriage, family members, all are on social media monitoring each other’s activities. While netizens and online family members are busy fanning the embers of each other’s activities, it has created a big hole and deep enmity. Only God knows where this will lead to because there is still life and future. Men and women kindly do not neglect your responsibilities even in separation and divorce. Do not just be a money sender and lender. Get close to your children and be their friends. Create time and know their worries and challenges. Help them build strong characters, become global citizens and blend well in the society.
It was for child negligence that Mrs. Dorcas Joshua told how she cannot reach out to her first son in the last 35years. “Abiodun was my first son from my first relationship. I became pregnant with my lover then who was a transporter. My mother never approved of our marriage because of his transportation business. When I eventually got married to my present husband, he started maltreating Abiodun my son and drove him to his biological father who had also married. His stepmother started mistreating him and he had nowhere to go to as both foster parents somewhat rejected him. In that confusion, betrayal and anger, Biodun left home till date.” In tears, “I am talking of 35 years ago. I have not set my eyes on my first fruit, neither have I heard his voice on phone. If he is alive or dead I do not know.” This is the resultant effect of parental negligence. Note that it is not only separated and divorce parents that neglect their children. So many couples neglect their children which is not encouraging.
Now, love her or dislike her; the words of Nigerian American entertainer Kora Obidi, who has recently won the custody of her children in her divorce case with her ex-husband, Dr. Justin Dean. She said “Justin could be a bad husband to me, but a fantastic father to our children. The reason I allow him to pick the girls to spend holidays with him.” Not all divorced mothers can say this.
Some parents do not realize the gap they create by abandoning their offsprings to just one parent. Till date there are so many people who find it very difficult to reconcile with their biological parents due to their action during separation.
Interestingly, some young, abandoned children find it difficult to forgive their biological parents and stick with their foster parents. Jerry Michael, a big bank executive in the United States says of his mother. “She cannot reap where did not sow. My stepmother nurtured me from 6-months when my biological mother left me until I travelled to the United States.”
Some women use the opportunity of divorce to convince their children, create enmity between father and children, siphon funds from their ex-husbands and tell all manner of lies.
In as much as divorce is not the end of life, separated couples should leave room for reconciliation. A divorcee husband who goes to the ex-wife to pick the children with his girlfriend is not leaving room for reconciliation. This is because he will drive all together in his car. Another divorcee husband who picks his children alone and spend quality time with them and sends them back when he needs his side chick to visit. With the respect he has for his children, he is also giving room for reconciliation.
Dear separated and divorced Nigerian parents, please be more careful with the children. Read their moods and understand their feelings. Create room for healthy friendship and relationship. Even when they are persuaded and misled by one parent, still do your bits because you will reap it at the end of the day.