Kate Halim
Maybe no one has told you to your face that you are raising a bully, but sometimes you can’t help but wonder if other parents are talking about it behind your back.
So how do you make sure you’re raising a kind child, and not a bully?
You have heard all the usual talk about what causes bullying – overly permissive parenting, violent video games and abuse. What might surprise you is how even the most well-intentioned parents – parents just like you – are unknowingly sabotaging their efforts to raise kind, caring kids.
Bullying starts and ends with an imbalance of power. Too much or too little, the results are often the same. Bullying behavior is simply a means to gain more power.
Here are some ways you may be unknowingly encouraging bullying in your child:
Being too busy to show you care
You love your family. But relationships have their ups and downs, with the direction often being down after children enter the picture. When was the last time you told your partner or family members that you loved them? Positive displays of intimacy in the home are the basis for our kids’ relationships.
You are busy, but a simple hug and kiss for each family member on the way out the door in the morning is a great start toward teaching healthy intimacy. Show them you care, so they can show others they care.
I hate my life
How you feel about life has a long-lasting impact on your kids. They hear their hero (you) act helpless and that will make them feel powerless too. If your kids feel powerless, they may act to reclaim that lost power through bullying behavior. Save the negative talk for after the kids go to bed or better yet, channel your frustration into a hobby you love. Let your kids be kids.
Mini-me syndrome
Kids today are ever more mature at a younger age. Current culture encourages us to treat our kids like mini-adults. But we forget that we are adults and most of us took decades to be able to even partially manage all this stress. Fully disclosing financial burdens, family illnesses, and work issues all the time just adds additional layers to our kids’ stress. And one outlet for stress is bullying.
Over-scheduling your kids’ activities
Fathers are scared our kids will be at a disadvantage if they don’t participate in everything. So we rush to register them for ballet, karate, soccer, and so much more.
If your child has a passion, by all means allow them the opportunity to explore it in more depth but they need unstructured free time. Play time, creative time, quiet time. The damaging effects of full schedules are well documented.
Over-scheduling quickly leads to stressed kids. Stress leads to anxiety, anger, and aggression, which paves the way for bullying behavior.
Inconsistent rule enforcement
Inside boundaries lies freedom. Lay the ground rules, enforce them, and give your kids permission to be themselves within those boundaries. They will feel a healthy sense of power and independence, and they won’t feel the need to bully in an effort to regain lost power.