The journey of marriage for Diokpa Samuel Nwachukwu Chukwuedo, a retired banker, and Philo, also a retiree, started over four decades ago in Okpanam, Oshimili North Local Government Area of Delta State where they both hail from. They got married precisely in January 1977, and since then, they have weathered the storms and as well enjoyed the gains of a blissful union. In this interview with PAUL OSUYI, the couple shared their experiences and offered pieces of advice for the younger generation of couples.
How did you meet her?
Diokpa Sam: I told my family that I wanted to get married to an Okpanam lady. So my uncle saw her and spoke to me. So I went to meet her and from there we started discussing marriage.
Was it just your desire all along to marry from home?
Diokpa Sam: Yes
Why?
Diokpa Sam: That was just the way I wanted it.
Can you still recall how you spoke to her?
Diokpa Sam: You know the formality was not there that much.
Can you recall your first meeting with him?
Mrs Philo: My first meeting with him was so pleasant. I saw him as a young man. His physique. I loved his build before we started courting, though we did not court for a very long time before we got married.
Apart from his physique, was there any other quality that attracted you?
Mrs Philo: Of course yes. When you see somebody, the build first, before you go into knowing the qualities, which I got to know later. He is a simple man by nature. He had a lucrative job as a banker. Of course, every young lady would like to get a man that has a lucrative job, one who can take care of her. And nobody prays to get a liability as a husband. That is another quality and some other ones.
Apart from being from Okpanam, what other qualities did you find in her?
Diokpa Sam: She is a wonderful lady.
How did you propose to her?
Diokpa Sam: Just like that. I told her, ‘I want to marry you.’
How did you respond to his proposal?
Mrs Philo: I responded positively because of those qualities I mentioned.
Was there any opposition to your marrying her?
Diokpa Sam: No, it was a smooth sail.
From your own side, was there opposition?
Mrs Philo: Of course, criticism must surely be there. From my own side, some said no, some said yes. And those who said yes were people that I respect so much. I place them very high in my life. So when they concurred, I had to go. One of them was my immediate senior brother (now late), and another one was my bosom friend from secondary school. She also gave her endorsement. She is from Isoko. They were my backbone behind my getting married to my husband. Before then, I had already got what I wanted; those qualities that I mentioned earlier.
There were other suitors coming around at the time. What actually stood him out?
Mrs Philo: Yes, there were so many suitors coming, but the very fact was that I never wanted to get married. I wanted to go into a religious life, that is, becoming a reverend sister, that was my initial ambition as a young girl. So by the time I grew up, after secondary school and all that, suitors were coming. My late uncles were kind of forcing me to choose. I was also telling them that I didn’t want to. From my mother’s side, from my father’s side, there was pressure from very elderly people who also loved me. I am a lovable person. They loved me so much but I insisted. Not until the pressure was so much that I just had to get married.
So it was the pressure, not that he did something spectacular to make you have a change of heart?
Mrs Philo: No! Far from it. And when I saw that the pressure was much, and my parents never wanted me to go to the convent, it was so glaring, they did all they could to make sure that they stopped me. At a time, I had to run to Daughters of Charity in Enugu. But even after staying there for few months, the bishop then – because that time you didn’t pay school fees, they would take care of you but what they would need from any young girl who wanted to be in the convent would be signature of two kinsmen from that girl, of which I knew too well that nobody wanted to support me. So after I had gone through, I came home, that was when I started having a change of mind. But even after that, I told them that if I didn’t finish up with my tertiary education, I would still not marry. They also continued to say that I must marry, especially my mother’s elder brother, now late. He so much persuaded me with all the love he had for me. So he was part of it, and it was exactly the same way he said that it happened. It was when I got married and after my first child that I had to go back to school. I went to the University of Lagos (UNILAG).
What was the mood like in your home when you decided to get married?
Mrs Philo: They were happy that I later agreed. I succumbed to what they wanted me to do. They were happy.
What can you remember most in your wedding ceremony?
Mrs Philo: It was super, very good. Both the traditional, legal and church were very superb.
Diokpa Sam: It was beautiful
You have been together for over 45 years now. What has been the most challenging aspect of the union?
Mrs Philo: Not much, because if you say there is a difficult thing here and you believe that it is difficult, it becomes even more difficult. But if you see a difficult or tight corner and believe in God and that it is not difficult, it will turn out to be light. So I will say God is at work in my home. He perfects it. I don’t see anything so tight or so bad. Nothing bad. Anything you want to say is a challenge. It is general; it is common to all couples. Sometimes there may be misunderstanding. It is a common thing.
Can you still recall your first misunderstanding and how you resolved it?
Mrs Philo: It was easily resolved. Like I said, if you say something is difficult, it becomes even more difficult. But if you take it as light, it becomes light. There has been no misunderstanding between us that God has not always taken care of. It has been so blissful to the glory of God.
What is her favourite food?
Diokpa Sam: Nsala and pounded yam
Do you take time to prepare it for her?
Diokpa Sam: I have never done that. The way I was brought up, I do not have to do that
What is his favourite food?
Mrs Philo: He loves food. I prepare the same Nsala for him, Nsala, Ujuju, banga soup and pounded yam, then fried rice with salad.
You have lived together for 46 years. Is there any aspect of his life that you will like him to improve on?
Mrs Philo: Yes! And that is, he should be stronger in his relationship with God. Age is no barrier. You can start as a toddler to 150 years, if at all you lived up to that. You can as well be a late comer to knowing God. Anytime you come to God, He embraces you. So I will like him to know who God is, for when you know who God is, other things will be well taken care of. If you know God the way you are supposed to know Him, you can easily forgive your neighbour of any offence, you would not have to hold for long because the more you hold on to grievance, the more damaging it is to that person. And according to the Lord’s prayer, He said we should forgive because He forgives us. So he should improve in that aspect of life. Yes he goes to church, he prays but I pray that my husband improves in serving God.
Diokpa Sam: She is okay. She is all round good.
What should a spinster look out for in a man that she intends to marry?
Mrs Philo: For a young lady thinking of getting married, physique is good, but she should not look at that. The quality of a man or woman is silent, transient qualities, the character of a man matters a lot. If you study his character, you will know if he is a good or a bad person. You will know if he is one who keeps late at night, that he is the one who does not take care of his family, that he is the one who is responsible or not. When you study a man and you observe these traits, I believe that the lady would not want to go into such union. But if you concentrate on the facial outlook, he is so handsome, rather than going deep to know his character, if you jump into such marriage, sooner or later the person will jump out. It is when you are living together that you will now know the real person you got married to, and then it will be too late, except by the grace of God for amendment to be made. But if it is not such, they can’t be compatible and if they are not compatible, no marriage; money or no money.
From your experience, how would you advise a young couple on how to stay long in a marriage relationship?
Mrs Philo: You have to look for qualities like patience. Any girl who wants to remain in marriage, you have to do all it takes. Like all insults, you have to endure. You have to be prayerful because endurance or patience does not come on its own just like that. You have to back it up with prayer because it is only the grace of God that can make you stay put. At times, what makes you upset does not come from your husband; it could be from the family members of the man. Some would want to beat you up. Some would want to throw you out of the house but if God says that that is your home and you have that determination that this is your home, they cannot just push you out like that because you have come to stay. You have to depend on God. You have to be patient; you have to be tolerant though it is not easy because sometimes you will cry your eyes out. Secretly you will be crying because of what you are going through in your husband’s house, because of the pains from almost every angle. Pains from the behaviour of the man, pains from the behaviour of the family members of the man, pains from some mothers-in-law. Some husbands don’t care, they hardly can give their wives feeding allowance. Hardly will they care about the school fees of the children. Hardly will they care about the maintenance of the home. Sometimes, some of them would not care about the payment of the rent, meaning that all the responsibilities are heaped on the woman. And for the fact that that person has come to stay, by the grace of God, she would carry that cross and follow Christ. Carrying of the cross, how? She has to suffer. She has to take the position of the man, tilling the soil to see that the children will go to school and they would be clothed. Virtually everything in a home that a man could do, she would do it. You’ll see that the woman is doing the work of her husband and her own all together. But all the same, you have come to stay because God made it possible for you to come to that family – so far you did not run to that man without him doing the needful. If you run to that man to live with him just like that, that person is on her own. But if that was not the way, that truly your man came to your family and did all the necessary things, sought your hand in marriage and brought you to his home, God is with you. Because, if it was not his intention to get married to you, that man would not have come to fulfil the requirements. So they have to be careful. It is not good to rush in and rush out.