Alhaji Ademola Akintunde Adeniyi, a mechanical engineer who retired from the National Electric Power Authority (NEPA), has been married to Alhaja Dhikrat Ayanlekan Adeniyi, a teacher for 46 years. They are also proprietor and Proprietress of Molek Schools in Osogbo, Osun State. In this interview with LATEEF DADA, in Osogbo, they shared their experiences on how to make a marriage last and what can make a marriage crash. They also shared their experience on how to cope with family and children in marriage.
When did the journey start?
Alhaji Ademola: The actual journey of marriage started on 26th December 1977.
How did you meet your wife?
Alhaji Ademola: I was her senior at Baptist High School, Ejigbo, Osun State. I left the school in 1970 and I came back to teach with my Higher School Certificate (HSC) in 1972. It was then I saw her.
How did you react when he approached you?
Alhaja Dhikrat: He approached me in 1974 to be precise. I felt embarrassed because I didn’t dream of marriage. It first shocked me. I was not even thinking about marriage.
What class were you in at the time?
Alhaja Dhikrat: I was in Form 5.
Did she turn you down in the first approach and how did you feel?
Alhaji Ademola: She didn’t turn me down because I went straight to the point that, ‘I want to marry you.’ I was about to go back to the university. I left and we didn’t see for a while.
What attracted you to him?
Alhaja Dhikrat: Being my senior before and later my teacher. He was a quiet man and very humble. The most important is that he shares the same religion with me. So, as a Muslim, I knew I would be in safe hands.
Why did you choose her out of all the ladies in the school?
Alhaji Ademola: When I became her teacher, they were the first set of three arms. There were many girls then. I started studying them. I intended to marry somebody from my hometown. After that is religion. I had two of her cousins who were my immediate seniors and they know me very well. Since I knew her family background, that gave me the rest of my mind to go for her.
What was the reaction of your parent when they saw you moving with a man?
Alhaja Dhikrat: He was sneaking to the back of our house one day when my father saw him. He said, ‘who is that man? Tell him to be coming through the front. When I eventually informed my father, he was happy.
How have you been able to sustain the relationship till today?
Alhaji Ademola: Any marriage built on God’s guidance with serious prayers, usually lasts. When there are challenges, God will intervene. My marriage was the first to be conducted in the Central Mosque of Ejigbo by scholars like Prof Noibi and some others. What I can say helped in sustaining the marriage are trust and communication. If you are communicating and avoid suspicion and put everything in the hands of God, your marriage will definitely last.
How do you feel seeing many girls with a teacher that proposed to you?
Alhaja Dhikrat: He was a God-fearing person, so I didn’t even bother. I am never jealous because I trust him.
What do you think makes marriages to collapse nowadays?
Alhaji Ademola: Problems start during dating. When you start pretending during dating, you have started with the wrong step. She knew that I came from a poor family and she didn’t want to marry me because of money. A lot of people nowadays live false lives. They pretend to be what they are not. I want to say again that communication is essential. Couples should sleep together on the same bed. I remember when I visited a friend in Warri. The man asked his daughter to take us around the home. The girl said, “this is Daddy’s room but Mummy does not sleep there.” When you have a misunderstanding during the day, it is an opportunity to settle it at night. There is nothing that I have that my wife doesn’t know and there is nothing she has that I don’t know.
You knew they were not rich in their family. Why did you agree to marry him?
Alhaja Dhikrat: He had education and I knew he would make it one day. So, I didn’t look into the background to the level of money because I love him and I know he is a serious person. If a person is determined and knows what he is doing, there is no point in waiting for a rich person.
Do you share the belief that family is important in marriage?
Alhaji Ademola: That is one of the reasons why marriages crash. People don’t realise that they are married to the family. The life of ‘me and my wife’ doesn’t usually work. The family has a role to play in sustaining a marriage.
How do you handle things whenever anger comes?
Alhaja Dhikrat: I am so lucky that my husband is not harsh. He hardly gets angry. I can even say I’m harsh. When I start, he would be the one that will be telling me to calm down.
What is your take on knowing the background of a fiancée before going into marriage?
Alhaja Dhikrat: It is very important. It enables you to know the family you are going to deal with. Also, if there is one sickness they are nursing in their family, you need to know this before going into it so that you won’t be trapped.
How many years were you together before you told your parents?
Alhaja Dhikrat: It was not long. Immediately my dad discovered that someone had been sneaking around, he called me and I revealed the secret to him. It was not long after that that he asked me to bring him.
Were you not afraid when they asked you to come?
Alhaji Ademola: I was even happy. I went to her Daddy straight to greet him.
How do you manage the marriage with children?
Alhaja Dhikrat: I’m a lucky woman. When my first daughter came, the two of us no longer had our mothers. More so, we were in New Bussa, Kanji. Whenever the baby was crying at night, my husband would carry her and play with her. If I was taking care of the baby, he would be doing another necessary thing. So, I didn’t have any stress. Though I had my niece with me. But, I didn’t have the opportunity like others whose mothers would carry their babies at night. He was the one doing that.
Did your work affect the marriage at any time?
Alhaji Ademola: Once you understand each other, there won’t be any problem. When we got married, she was teaching in a public school. I joined the Federal Civil Service, the then National Electric Power Authority (NEPA). So, I told her to seek a transfer to Sapele from Ogbomosho. I had to come home every week then. It was not palatable. That is why I transferred her to my place. When I was transferred from Sapele to Delta State, I also worked on her transfer to join me. Later, I got her employed in NEPA so that wherever I went, I wouldn’t be begging to transfer her. We moved together since then. When we were planning to retire, I said if I face my engineering profession, I might need to be travelling up and down. I now say why can’t I settle her in the education line? Luckily enough, I had experience in school administration. That is why we settled for education so that we could come here to work together and go home together.
What is the blessing of God that you can remember in your marriage?
Alhaja Dhikrat: The blessing of Allah is so much. I was happy that I married my Muslim brother and I married an understanding man. The most important is that Allah blessed us with understanding children. We are comfortable with Allah’s blessing.
How has Allah blessed this family?
Alhaji Ademola: I cannot count all the blessings of Allah. It is only an ingrate that will not thank Allah. He gave us good and understanding children that take after us as far as religion and other behaviours are concerned.
What would be your advice to bachelors of nowadays?
Alhaji Ademola: I want to advise that they should not rush. They should be serious about relationships. They should avoid sampling and ‘chop and go.’
What would be your advice to the ladies?
Alhaja Dhikrat: They should be prayerful. They have to start somewhere. Some of them don’t want to teach. If they are with a man that is ready but he is just coming up, they should encourage him to start something. It is not bad to start with teaching and be prayerful.
You said bachelors should not rush into marriage. At what age did you marry?
Alhaji Ademola: I was about 30 years.
Alhaja Dhikrat: I was 25.
How much were you earning as monthly salary when you newly got married?
Alhaji Ademola: My first appointment and the only appointment that I had throughout my service is NEPA. I didn’t change till I retired. I did my Youth Service there and I started working there before I married. I was earning N300. I was lucky because, for the first two years under training, NEPA took care of our accommodation and feeding. I was in a training house where they fed and housed us. Immediately, I got married, and I was given quarters. We didn’t pay rent. They were taking care of our feeding. That enabled me to build my house in my hometown and where I retired.
Madam, how do you manage your husband’s family?
Alhaja Dhikrat: I thank Allah because they are so friendly. I took his family as my family because the way I was brought up, I have been trained to associate with people. So I don’t have a problem with the family of my husband at all.