Among the nations of the earth, Nigeria is made of a different physiology. Africa’s largest economy is a theatre like no other. A theatre is where stunts are pulled. The watering hole of actors; a place where shows are staged, a place of drama, that’s theatre. It’s the birthplace of entertainment, of make-belief, of the serio-comic; a place of laughter. Theatres offer you a temporary escape from boredom, from the dizzying and maddening clatter in the streets. It’s also a place of pain, of tears, of the absurd.
Inside the theatre, jaw-dropping shows are performed. Men assume the roles of gods. Inside the theatre, otherwise ordinary folks take the form of extraordinary denizens. They take you on a journey to fantasyland. Often, we crave theatre. We crave the fleeting escape it offers. We lust after its surreal suspense; its unpredictability. And you wonder, why do people go to theatre? Beyond being entertained, beyond the comfort and the cuddle, what other utility streams from the theatre and its many actors? Only the experience of theatre life and its theatrics can explain this.
Again, you wonder. Does God love theatre? Does He love entertainment? Does God indulge in the amusement and pleasure of the grand theatre? Perhaps, He does. Otherwise, He would not have carved out a special part of Africa called Nigeria. Heaven enjoys theatre and its full dose of hysteria and histrionics. Nigeria is one huge theatre under heaven. And God is amused, even bemused. There must be something of value that Nigeria offers each time God peers through the Milky Way to watch proceedings in this country. I wager the angels must be having real trouble trying to cope with the rapidity and frequency of events in this grand theatre.
Who wouldn’t? Within a period of less than 30 days, great movies have premiered in the world’s biggest theatre of the ludicrous. It’s a long list. Let’s press ‘play’. Take the blockbuster, The Golden Fence. This is a gripping movie about the audacious plan of the Nigerian government to build a fence round the University of Maiduguri. It’s a 27.3km perimeter fence round the university to ward off Boko Haram insurgents who have lately grown extra teeth to prove their invincibility. So, what’s with a fence to protect a university situated in the epicentre of a war against Islamic extremists? Nothing really, except that the fence will cost N64 billion of tax-payers’ money. This works out to N2.45 billion per km of the fence. Note that it’s just a fence, not a building.
The Chairman, Academic Staff Union of Universities (USUU) University of Maiduguri chapter, Dani Mamman, has justified both the fence and the amount. He said it is to stop the terrorists who often penetrated the North-East part of the institution’s campus. Again, note that only the western and southern parts of the campus were initially fenced, meaning the N64 billion is just for the remaining part of the university border with town not covered by the initial fence. The money has been released and construction is already ongoing. In the theatre, you don’t delay. Not when the same university recently lost a professor and seven other staff in an explosion that happened within the campus; a blast orchestrated by the extremists. We’ve got to protect our actors on stage. As for those crying over the huge cost of the fence, pause and think. What if the fence is made of gold complete with bullet proof materials and all that?
But why not N64 billion for 27.3km fence? If we can propose N37 billion but got N27 billion approved for the renovation, not building, of National Assembly where those who make laws for the good governance of our nation spend their productive hours; if we can spend N523.3 million in two months to feed our school children in two states (Lagos and Ogun) plus FCT during the Covid-19 lockdown when not a single child was in school, then nothing is beyond us. And we should applaud the prudence of the authorities of the University of Maiduguri for spending only N64 billion for a fence stretching over 27.3km. I marvel at the patriotism, sense of commitment and fiscal thriftiness of the leadership of this university.
But Nigeria and Nigerians have witnessed more bizarre things. Like President Muhammadu Buhari jetting off to Mali to restore peace and broker truce between opposition and the leaders of that country at a time Southern Kaduna was reduced to a valley of death, skulls and chopped off torsos. As you read this, surreptitious killings are still happening in Southern Kaduna. The killers are not brought to book. The deceased are not even allowed the liberty to mourn and grieve in peace. The government adds more fodder to the flame of pain by asking them to learn to live with their armed and savage neighbours. Really? Well, that’s all you get in a theatre.
Suspense is part of the show. Like watching the other movie, Zulum and the Zebras. This is an adrenaline-pumping, nerve-racking movie which showed the deadly underbelly of life in the frontline of Boko Haram insurgency. Borno State governor, Professor Babagana Zulum and his convoy were attacked by Boko Haram elements in one moment of panic and edginess. Zulum, one of the best-performing governors in the country, has been very vocal in calling out the military for their lethargy in containing Boko Haram. He had as usual visited Baga, a community once annexed and called their own by the insurgents. It was obvious some fellows don’t just like this Zulum and his ways. And somehow, he had to be attacked by ‘Boko Haram’ to have a taste of what soldiers suffer in the theatre of war. He was practically smuggled out of the place to safety. Next time, Mr. Governor, don’t criticize the military. Actors on stage should be applauded not criticized. I guess our hardworking governor has learnt his lessons.
Let’s just end this with the third movie, The Chinese Pie. The plot takes you to the Oriental cultures of the Chinese. The Asian giant had a romance with the giant of Africa. The result was the baking of a Chinese pie which was served ala carte to Nigeria. A $400 million loan to improve ICT infrastructure in Nigeria was hurriedly arranged by China and handed over to Nigeria. Too hungry and desperate for a loan, Nigeria grabs it with two hands, not minding the embedded landmines in the loan agreement. It’s the traditional Chinese nugget that says once you eat my pie, you lose your birthright when you prove stubborn to return the pie fatter than the original version. Nigeria will waive her sovereignty for a mere $400 million loan. Remember this is the same Nigeria that received $320 million Abacha loot from Switzerland and another $311 million from US and the British dependency Jersey. You see what I mean? Nigeria is a theatre of the absurd otherwise she has no business asking China for a $400 million loan and mortgaging her future and sovereignty when she could have conveniently funded the same ICT infrastructure project from the returned Abacha loot or from any other Abacha loot recovered in the past. Now, press ‘pause.’