These are challenging times in Nigeria. People are going through various kinds of pain, agony and psychological trauma, yet they cover up their suffocating experience with power looks. Really, behind the facade of the power dressing is a sad soul that still smiles, lives an outwardly luxurious lifestyle represented by ‘tear-rubber’ cars, sound careers, lucrative businesses and high executive offices, as well as trips to Dubai, Europe and America.
Take the recent case of Folake Abiola, a female accountant with telecommunications giant, Globacom, who committed suicide in her residence at Osapa London, Lekki. What could have driven her to end her life is still debated on social media platforms. One particular post sent to her may have been the last stroke the camel’s back, prompting her to the decision to end her life. She was said to have been a regular member of a church. Definitely there must have been acquaintances who wished they had attained Folake’s level of success, given that she was a well-paid accountant working in a topnotch company and could afford a life of comfort spiced with the juicy things that make life sweet and pleasant.
Her remuneration must have been good enough for her to afford vacations overseas, designer clothes, bags and other fashion accessories women crave. She even had very good prospects of higher attainments.
Judging by some of her photographs posted online, her material success was clearly evident. Despite having all these and more, Folake was in deep sadness that grew and persisted to the point that she decided to end her life.
There are other people like Folake out there and very sad. An example is a former schoolmate, who lives abroad and regularly posts pictures of pleasant life on social media platforms. She has not aged, dresses impressively and always well put together when seen at parties. You could say that she has remained a jolly good fellow. But no one knew that her soul was extremely grieved: all her four children have been autistic from birth and grew with the brain developmental disorder into young adults. When she posts just facial pictorials of her children’s birthday celebrations, one would think they have had hit a goldmine, by not knowing that behind all those glamorous looks and photos is a sad soul.
On one occasion when her two adult sons went to the hospital for checkups, they engaged themselves in an extreme physical fight and caused a great deal of damage to the hospital’s facilities. That incident compelled the social service department to remove them from home and put them in separate managed care facilities. Their mother broke down in tears and told her sad story which had lasted for 20 years, saying at a point: “This is what I have been facing regularly at home since they turned 13 and 15.”
Pan the audience in most church congregations, most members do not know that many religious leaders are carrying deep pain in their hearts. Most people see their bright robes, elegant suits, smiles, listen to motivational sermons, but their sad personalities live within them alone. In this category is a church leader who is still childless and could be said not have been fortunate in the area of marriage despite having been married twice. In his private moments, only the Almighty can know the depth of the pain he goes through as he reviews his life, status and achievements.
Do you talk about parents and the embarrassment which the bad conduct and poor academic performance of their children bring to them? Such are very low moments for parents and guardians. Certainly no parent would jubilate over the poor academic output, immorality, wayward lifestyle, stubbornness and truancy which the children exhibit. These are forms of lingering sadness covered up with a facade that gives the impression that all is well. Several parents and guardians go through these experiences and still smile at work, in business areas and in the church. A former minister’s son was repatriated from the United Kingdom in chains because of drug addiction and related offences. His parents went to the airport, not to celebrate an award-winning child who had brought back laurels, glory and honour, but a drug addict in chains. You can well imagine the pain and agony in the heart of the minister, whose high office is associated with material comfort and choice quality of life.
Now, have we ever thought of men with organ issues? That is a different level of sadness. Back in my school days, Derrick was a handsome dark hunk and girls flocked around him. He simply waved them away with a childish smile. No one ever thought or suspected that Dee, as he was popularly known in school, was bearing a deep pain. Many years after graduation, Derrick and his old schoolmates from various parts of the world gathered in Texas, United States for a reunion. It was at the reunion that people realized that was still single, almost 20 years after graduation. His mates wondered and were ready to support him financially, but their president and host, Franklin, perceived that Derrick’s problem was not something to be discussed openly. After the reunion activities and the schoolmates had dispersed, Franklin paid Derrick a private visit during which he poured out his problem.
“Frank, I am not man enough to be with a woman, forget about my physical look, my manhood came very undersized and cannot produce erection.” Smart Franklin encouraged him to get a reasonable woman, truthfully and sincerely open up to her and work it out together. He shook his head and said, ‘You will not understand, I have tried it and it did not work, the moment I see a woman I admire, my heart sinks and sadness envelops me.’
In the same vein, people have been ravaged with various illnesses which they cannot disclose openly fear of being stigmatised. Instead, they privately bear their pain. People who have been victims of he wrong diagnosis that has caused other ailments and system blockage habour sad souls. Waheed was wrongly diagnosed and treated as he complained of uneding stomach pain. After his treatment, he developed a complication that resulted in loss of ability for sexual intercourse. All medical battles to correct the problem failed, leaving him as a sad man.
It is not for nothing that the Easterners always refer to the civil war as a sad setback, caused by the unquantifiable losses they experienced during that dispensation. Nobody who lived through that horrific period would tell the story with joy or happiness because it brings sadness to the mind. It was full of death, hardship, sorrow, fear and anger, yet survivors smiled and wore a bold look.
Incidents like loss of loved ones, inexpressible guilt or infernos that wipe out businesses, financial recklessness, acts of shame and regrets all cause sadness, yet the victims wear bold looks and put up a smile.
Dear Nigerians, let us be our brothers’ keepers. Our neighbours, colleagues, members of our unions and associations, friends are our brothers and sisters. Our kind and healthfelt words can soothe the agony of friends and relations that are hurting.
READERS SPEAK…
RE… Men also go through domestic violence.. May 29, 2022.
Dear Agatha,
This is one of your best classic. It’s highly unfortunate due two the type of orientation many men or women had while growing up. There’s one that is happening right now at Ogba area of Ikeja, where a lady who grew up in a broken home is now giving her husband the same treatment her mom gave to her father which led to their separation. Our poor orientation and belief is that women are the only ones who receive abuse in marriages and relationships.
• Mazi Ekene W. Ugwu
Hello Agatha,
I wish to appreciate your column of last Sunday. It was very expository and balanced. There was this querulous lady who, with her husband, lived at Olodi Apapa in Lagos. I was very close to the couple and their father figure. One afternoon, she stormed into my office at Surulere, her lips blistered, with blood stains all over her mouth. She said that her husband threw a bunch of keys at her and it landed on her lips. Why? He annoyed her and she shouted unprintable language at him. I asked her to clean the blood stains, assuaged her feelings and asked her to go back home. I promised to speak with the husband and later I invited over. When he came and narrated all that his wife spat at him, he said that throwing the bunch of keys at her was his involuntary way of saying, ‘shut up your mouth!’
When they came together for reconciliation, it was apology on both sides. I agree with you, Agatha, some wives and women injure their men with words sharper than spears. Well done.
• Obi.
God bless you Agatha because it has been about who will speak for the men. I have been called bastard by my wife, who also called my mum a prostitute. What was the reason? I objected to my wife watching pornography sent in the hook-up group she got herself into.
• Patrick