Being frequently yelled at can change the mind, brain and body in multitude of ways. It brings about an increase in the activity of the amygdala also known as the emotional brain. There’s an increase in stress hormones in the blood stream, the muscular tension and more.
Is it normal to scream during arguments?
No! It is not normal to scream during arguments. Yelling frequently is a sign of aggression. Raising your voice creates stress and tension that often escalates into arguments.
The feeling conveyed in your voice makes more impact that is remembered longer than even the words actually spoken. The tirades can be traumatizing, from the unpredictable switch from zero to hundred, the beast mode, the dead look in their eyes, disdainful and scornful facial expression, the loud volume and the shrill tone of your voice and the insults that follow etc.
If you have a tendency to yell when angry, you are likely an “emotional communicator.” This means that you may tend to speak or act based on feelings and instincts, rather than reasoning things out first. This is where professional counseling is needed. A competent therapist can help connect your early roots to current events and also help you develop yelling/reactivity management alternatives.
Even though seeing professional therapists is not something people in this clime would readily do, counselling should be considered if you try the following on your own and you still feel overwhelmed.
As a parent you must effectively manage your emotional reactivity towards your children. The consequences of your actions will follow them their entire life time.
There’s a need for you to learn to disagree or argue with your partner in a friendly tone as yelling will always be ineffective. While yelling will cause a strain between you and your spouse, it will become your children’s model as well because they are learning from you.
Before you begin any discussion with your partner or while correcting your children, verbally acknowledge your willingness to break the pattern of yelling or reactivity that is not working. Make a conscious, verbal decision to stop yelling. Possibly, tender an unreserved apology for past mistakes. Make conscious effort to communicate or react better.
It can be really hard especially if your better half is on the other end of the spectrum. Communicate your expectations when you are all calmer. Openly acknowledge to your partner how you aspire to be during discussions. If you tend to be the yeller, acknowledge that you aspire to be calm, and what new behavior you plan to employ if you begin to feel activated.
Whatever new behavior you decide to try, let it be known in advance of the discussion. There should be no surprises, unless they are pleasant ones. Hold yourself to the healthy code of conduct to which you aspire. How you aspire to be is all you have control over.
To some people, yelling feels like second nature. When in a relationship or marriage with such people, it feels like walking on egg shells. They yell even when it is absolutely uncalled for. If your partner’s reactivity is fight mode, the escalation would eventually lead to a threshold you cannot withstand, breakup, separation or divorce becomes eminent. And if your partner’s reactivity is flight mode, they withdraw into their shell and obviously are unhappy.
It costs you nothing to be civil in your approach during disagreements. Instead of always raising your voice at your children or spouse, raise your level of reasoning. If your partner is bent on screaming the house down, do not engage them in a shouting match. Allow them wear themselves out.
Good luck in your attempt to break this unhealthy pattern. It won’t be that easy, making attempts to make amends and possibly turn a new leaf is a step in the right direction. Don’t stop trying. You can do this.