I know a woman who is now a shadow of herself because she married a man who loves criticizing her. This man thrives on making her feel less about herself.
After being married for five years, this woman has lost her self esteem to the extent that she now avoids her family and friends because this man makes her feel unloved and unwanted.
I always tell women to keep their eyes open while dating and during courtship because some of the toxic traits they complain about their husbands now were actually present while they were dating but they shoved it aside because they were blinded by love.
It is not a good thing to live under the same roof with a spouse who only knows how to criticize you. Hearing your spouse amplifying your weaknesses makes you feel like a failure and this is not how a good marriage should be.
Living with a critical spouse is hell on earth. It’s painful to be sharing your life and bed with someone who always criticizes you. You can never get anything right with a critical spouse. They complain all the time.
For men who have the ministry of criticizing their wives, you hear: You are not beautiful enough like my ex girlfriend from Owerri. You don’t know how to cook ofe nsala like my mother. You don’t know how to dress like my first girlfrienf who lives in America. You don’t speak good English like my boss’ wife. You don’t know how to treat me like a King like our neighbor’s wife, mama Obinna.
When a woman continues to hear such things, her self esteem takes a bad dive. She starts to question herself. She starts to believe that something is wrong with her. She loses her self worth and if care is not taken, she sinks into depression but she’s expected to be happy so that society will praise her husband for taking good care of her. Sighs.
Dear wife, when you constantly tell your husband that he is no good and keep comparing him to other men you meet, you are destroying him. Being critical of him and the way he does things won’t make your relationship better. You will make him resent you and resentment destroys marriages.
It’s unhealthy for a marriage that is supposed to be a place of love, unity and peace to be filled with criticisms. Living with a spouse who seems to always find faults with almost everything you do can be very difficult and painful. It’s important for your emotional and mental health to find ways of handling the situation.
It can be helpful to realize that most of your spouse’s criticisms have little to do with you. That may be hard to believe when the critical comments keep dripping like constant rainfall. But the truth is that anyone who finds fault with others is first unhappy with themselves and their lives. Don’t forget this.
If your spouse is mature enough to look in the mirror and admit the true reasons for their behaviour, your marriage will change for the better. But if not, you still need to understand the dissatisfaction is most likely not about what you do or don’t do. It is about them. They have to deal with their internal issues of insecurities first and stop unloading their toxicity on you.
Your spouse might be a bully who says and does things that make you feel bad or inept. They subtly pick at you with soft, hurtful criticisms that you initially don’t notice how they ate destroying your self esteem. Even if you love your spouse, their constant criticisms may make you start to resent them.
When living with a critical spouse, you might frequently feel defensive and lash back at them for making you feel bad about yourself. But sometimes, your reaction when you feel attacked could be to withdraw into yourself, become silent and avoid them as much as possible. But will this help your situation? How long will you avoid your spouse?
There are many ways you can respond to your spouse’s criticisms even though some of these reactions might strain your marriage even more. You might criticize and push back their criticisms word for word. In the short term, some of these reactions feel rewarding and comfortable. However, the lasting effects on your marriage might not be positive.
You need to learn some positive ways to deal your spouse’s criticisms. This is not to excuse their bad behaviour, but it helps you to take charge of the situation so that you don’t lose your cool. Trust me when you overreact, it will be used against you.
I am not suggesting that you allow yourself to be bullied by your spouse, tell them to stop putting you down if you feel overwhelmed. But at the same time, if you can find a way to see the complaint or nagging for what it is, move on and allow them continue to fight their internal battles. Don’t give in to the name calling or criticisms.
It is not okay for your spouse to verbally abuse you. Don’t take that from anybody. You should look out for yourself. But, there are times when refusing to take your spouse’s criticisms personally can be the key to changing dealing with this bad relationship habit. You can press the ignore button and shut out their negative words for your own good and sanity. You don’t have to respond.
If you have a critical spouse, sometimes, you have to really listen to what they are saying. What is going to make a positive difference when dealing with your partner’s criticisms is to not join in their negativity.
Soothe yourself so that you don’t go along with them to a place of irritation, resentment, and anger. The calmer you are, the easier it will be for you to really listen. When you really listen to what is being expressed that may be hidden in criticism, you can speak to that need and not to the criticism.
While dealing with a critical spouse, be responsible for your own habits and offer sincere apologies when appropriate. This can also defuse a criticism and shift you both toward finding a resolution instead of keeping you stuck in constant conflict.
When all is said and done, there’s no excuse for your spouse’s bad behaviour. Your spouse has a responsibility to treat you with love, understanding and respect, and when that doesn’t happen, it’s time for you to take action on your own behalf. You have to stand up for yourself and stop suffering over your spouse’s constant criticisms. There are better ways to resolve marital issues other than offering criticisms all the time.
Part of taking care of yourself is not letting anyone take away your sense of self-esteem even if they are your spouse. It also means you have to let your spouse know that you don’t like how they criticize you. Be firm about your needs in your marriage. Tell your spouse that you may be forced to pay them back in their own coin if he or she doesn’t stop hurting you with words.
Re: For better, for worse made easy
Dear Kate, thanks for encouraging us couples to be strong. Apart from being dear to each other, we should also befriend our children platonically and also carry along our friends. Well done.
-Cletus Frenchman, Enugu
When I was reading your piece last week, I kept nodding all through. It was beautifully written to encourage couples at this tough time. Marriages are being threatened because finances are running low and businesses are not moving fast. It is tough for couples with children but I believe we shall overcome. Thank you for giving us hope.
-Gbenga Alonge, Lagos
Kate, the pen master, I believe with you that things will get better soon by the grace of God. But to weather this stormy period, couples need to revisit the good old days of dating, courtship and honeymoon days when they were loving and sensitive to one another’s feelings.
Marriages require conscious efforts of both partners who must be willing to learn, be kind, considerate and adapt to change as occasioned by sudden prevailing situations like the COVID-19 pandemic. But the partner with a better understanding and stronger emotions takes the lead.
– Pastor Stephen, Abuja
Kate, your pen expositions about love affairs is worthy of commendation. Marriage is for two matured minds not for infants. In a strong marriage, when there’s friction between partners, the strong will strengthen the weak since the journey of blissful marriage isn’t linear as there are bound to be ups and downs.
-Ejemasa Lucky