In any marriage, especially in long-term marriages, there will be periods when one person is doing better than the other emotionally, financially, physically, mentally, and even socially.
Even though couples live their lives together, they are still separate entities who have separate experiences and realities. There will be times when one person’s career is thriving while the other person may be suffering unemployment or business failure that may mess up their self esteem.
There can be times when one person puts on some weight due to depression or having a baby, and doesn’t feel attractive, while the other is so fit that he or she turns heads everywhere they go.
Some married couples erroneously think that they will be on the same wavelength and experiencing the same things with their spouses at the same time, but that’s just not how it goes if you have been together for many years.
Marriage is not easy especially at this time that the future is uncertain because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Marriage is not for immature men and women who. mess up their marriages with envy when their significant other is feeling upbeat while they are down in the dumps. These people forget that one strong person will lift the other when they are weak.
The interesting thing about this COVID-19 pandemic is that many couples are having a tough time at the same time, perhaps for the very first time in their marriages. Almost everybody has been hit by this. Many people’s jobs and businesses have been affected, whether it’s a slow-down of business, a salary cut, or a complete job loss or closing of a business, people are feeling the financial implications of this tough time.
But it is not only gloom and bad news. Strong couples are getting through this period the way they always have. They have the tools to lift one another up during this difficult time. It’s certainly a time for couples to learn more about their marriages and how they can use new methods to keep their unions going. It is cheering that strong couples are supporting each other in some creative ways now.
One of the ways strong couples are supporting one another now is that the one with the cheer shares it with the one feeling gloomy. When one individual is down but the other is feeling emotionally strong, the latter shares his or her strength. The person feeling strong and happy understands that it’s his or her job to lift up the couple that day. There’s an understanding that the two may take turns having a good attitude, and the one who is well today should lead the charge.
Strong couples make food time fun. They eat together because it’s important to have some structure and dedicated time to talk. And they make mealtime fun, they play music, pour some wine, look up a new recipe, and have fun in the kitchen. They understand that this is actually a special time when they can have many meals together, which may not have been the case before quarantine.
At this time, strong couples go for long walks together. They schedule their day well so that they can take their walk together, as this gives them a chance to catch up, and see how the other is doing. And if one isn’t really feeling the walk, the other one talks them into it, because they understand it’s important for the good of their marriage that they remain on the same page.
Strong couples look for ways to keep each other entertained and make each other laugh. They make up games, play fun pranks on each other, and make it their primary goal to keep the other one smiling. They don’t let the other one get depressed, and fall into a place of just waiting for quarantine to be over, they make it fun for each other.
Couples who are strong at this time allow their partners vent when they feel like it. They understand that meltdowns will happen, and there will be days when one person just needs to cry, and express all of the scary thoughts and feelings he or she’s been having. They know this is normal. And when one person needs to vent, the other listens, and doesn’t make the person feel embarrassed or bad about the meltdown.
Once the meltdown is over, the person who is feeling strong tells the other things will be okay. They list all the things the person who is struggling has going for him or her, all the reasons things will turn around, and all of the blessings they have. The strong spouse makes it a point to be a cheerleader when the other needs it most.
When it comes to making money, strong couples support one another. The husband is not envious of his wife’s career or business progress. Both individuals collectively look for new ways to make money.
They may need to move their businesses online or find new jobs. The couple comes together, and they care as much about each other’s careers as they do about their own. They take it upon themselves to help the other find a way to move forward. This is how a healthy union works.
At this crucial time, strong couples develop a healthy marriage routine. They have lunch together at a certain time. They go for walks at certain times. They cook together. They do dishes together. They watch their favourite movies at a particular time. They develop a routine to keep each other sane and happy because times are tough.
Strong couples stay affectionate towards one another. They let their children see that marriage is not a master-servant relationship where one person walks on egg shells just to please the other person all the time. These children see that even though there are tough times in life, they will be overcome if two people stay committed to each other.
It’s so important for couples to give each other love right now. It’s too easy to retreat into their minds, focus on themselves, and forget to share affection with their spouses. But a long hug, a nightly cuddle, and a random kiss when passing each other in the kitchen goes a long way. You are reminded that you have one of the best things right now: love.
There’s a lot of movie and show consumption going on right now. And in a solid marriage, there’s an understanding that, on some days, one person just really needs to watch cartoon. or a romantic comedy when the other wants to see a horror or a sci-fi movie. And if someone has a deep craving for a type of movie, the other concedes. That’s understanding and it is very important in marriages right now.
Strong couples are in it together. They don’t retreat to their separate corners, doing whatever they want alone to get through this. They talk. They make plans. They check in with each other. They do things together. They understand they are all they have and have a responsibility to stick together.
This is not the time for unnecessary fights and bickering even though the tendency for this to happen is high now because of the uncertainty in the air. This is the time for couples to truly dig deep within and draw strength from one another to keep going at this time. Things will get better, I believe. You should too.
Re: Why you may have low libido during this pandemic
Thanks Kate. Joy is a pillar of matrimony. Togetherness of couples is expected to enhance sexuality rather than subduing it. After this lockdown, couples should continue keeping each other company.
-Cletus Frenchman, Enugu
Kate, your article on low libido during this period of pandemic will elicit different reactions. Different strokes for different folks. Sex drive can be activated or deactivated, depending on the mood of the couples. Couples should ensure they discard things that mess with their emotions so that they can connect sexually with their partners. They can also spice up their sex life with fun games and role play.
-Lucky Ejemasa E.
From what you have written, sex is not what is important now because of what the world and Nigeria have at hand is a dangerous situation, with an invisible fighter. The dead can not be thinking of sex. It is the living. So let us live before sex. Sex is a product of the intellect and feeling which is nothing.
-Prince Victor Eweka, Benin
Kate, are you sure you are normal? People are dying in their numbers all over the world and we are still struggling in Nigeria to contain the spread of COVID-19 and you are talking about sex? Do you have anything aside from sex in that brain of yours and who are the people who send your misplaced articles for publication in the first place? This is the worst thing I have read recently. You should do better.
-Richard, Lagos
Your piece on how couples may have low libido at this time came in handy. I learnt something from it. Sometimes, couples go through such low moments without having anyone to talk to or explain how they are feeling with. But you did a good job with the way you explained the reasons for low libido at this time. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and concise write up. It made me feel better. Thanks.
-Olanrewaju Osho