From Adanna Nnamani, Abuja
In many Nigerian families, being firstborn is less a privilege and more of a lifelong responsibility. It is not just birth order, it is a role defined by culture, circumstance and unspoken expectations.
From early childhood, firstborns are drafted into caregiving roles, thrust into leadership and expected to sacrifice with silent pride. Many grow up long before their time, becoming second parents while they themselves are still children.
Sharing her experience as a first child, Patience Alabi said at 12 she was already bathing, feeding and monitoring her younger siblings. According to her, being a firstborn has always felt less like a privilege and more like punishment.
She said: “For me, there is nothing really special about being a first child. The only special thing there is that your parents see you as a gateway to blessings for them. I will categorically say it has been and is still a struggle for me as a first child, especially we that are from an average home.”
She recalled a painful memory in Junior Secondary School when, while her classmates came to school with brand-new textbooks provided by their older siblings, she arrived empty-handed. “It was JSS1, resumption week. My classmates all came with new textbooks bought by their older siblings. I had none. I just broke down in tears. I wished I had an elder brother or sister, too. Maybe things would have been easier.”
Till this moment, as an adult, Alabi still carries the weight, paying school fees, buying clothes for her siblings and being the go-to-person when there is a family need.
“You cannot even make a mistake. Everyone is watching. I’m the moral compass. One man even told me he could not marry a firstborn daughter because ‘responsibility go choke’.”
Despite it all, Alabi said she still believes there is a divine reason behind it: “God must have a purpose for making me the first. But it is very hard. Honestly, it has been more of a burden than a blessing.”
Also recounting her experience, Grace Enejo said she never really had a childhood. According to her, while other children played, she was assigned supervisory duties. She had to protect her younger siblings by making sure no one got hurt, cried or stepped out of line.
“Being a firstborn has never really been easy. From the beginning, it has always come with responsibility. You always have your siblings to watch over. You always have to take the fall for your siblings. It is a fulfilling experience though, but it takes a whole lot from you.
“You lose your personality. In fact, you lose being a child because, from a very early stage, you are taking care of others. And this actually affected me emotionally.”
She said the mindset followed her into adulthood, making it hard to connect with people of her age.
“Subconsciously, I take responsibility for everyone around me. Whether they are younger or not, I just feel obligated to watch over them. I sacrificed my joy as a child to protect others. While they played, I was the one watching to ensure no one got hurt.
“It drained me emotionally, and by the time I realized it, it was already part of me. Being a firstborn made me grow up too fast. I learned to delegate, to supervise, to solve tricky situations, all skills I developed from managing my siblings.”
“I still do not have friends of my age. Most of them are older because I relate better with mature people. I wish I could connect more with my peers, but I see them as too carefree. I just cannot relate,” she said.
With the benefit of hindsight, Enejo said she would not raise her children the same way. Her words: “I will let my first child be a child. Our parents made us grow up too soon. Many of us firstborns never really had a childhood. Society already demands so much from us. We carry so much, it shows in our bodies. Some look older, others shrink under the weight.
“Yes, I appreciate the leadership skills but, emotionally, it left a void. I never learned to rest or receive help. Even now, I only know how to give.”
Like many others in her shoes, Princess James became a mother figure before she hit her teenage years. With her parents constantly at the hospital caring for her younger sister who had sickle cell anemia, she had to grow up quickly, taking on adult responsibilities like cooking and looking after her siblings.
“There were four of us. But I was the one expected to lead, to be responsible, especially because I was a girl. I went to an all-girls boarding school, and even in university I avoided boys. I was told if I made a mistake, my younger sisters would follow. That fear shaped my entire view on relationships,” she said.
Financially, James said the pressure is just as intense. “If I receive N100,000, I know I’m giving out N100,000. Everything goes to the family.”
She said her position in the family made her to develop a “hustler-spirit” earlier, becoming someone who does not wait for things to happen. “No one is coming to save you. Being firstborn taught me that,” she stated.
James, however, admitted that it hardened her in ways she regrets. “I was too strict. I lost out on good relationships because I did not know how to be soft. I’m just learning that now,” she added.
As as a firstborn and first son, Fred Chiedozie said it comes with strong cultural expectations to be a provider, protector and good example to his siblings. According to him, “Being the firstborn is a heavy role. You are expected to set the pace, provide and guide. You cannot say no when your family asks for help even if it is your last card.”
Chiedozie explained how the pressure to perform and provide can affect everything, from your career to your love life, stating: “Sometimes, you will not even marry on time. You keep putting others first. Whatever you earn, you split it, one part for yourself, the other for the family.
“Even if you are broke and someone from home calls you asking for money, you cannot say no. You keep putting family first, delaying your own life.”
According to experts, these experiences are more than mere speculations. They are patterns rooted in culture, and they often shape an individual’s entire personality.
A clinical psychologist at the University of Nigeria, Nsukka, Mrs. Ijeoma Ogbonna, explained that firstborn traits, often referred to as firstborn syndrome, are a mix of perfectionism, responsibility, leadership and deep emotional suppression.
“They grow up under immense pressure to succeed and to serve. They are the trial children. Parents experiment on them, and they grow up with higher expectations. So, they often become high achievers, but they also carry hidden wounds, self-doubt, anxiety, emotional exhaustion,” Ogbonna said.
She noted that many firstborns internalize mistakes and have a strong fear of failure. “They self-criticize more, they struggle in relationships because they tend to be controlling, and they burn out easily because they are never taught to rest.”
Ogbonna noted that, in relationships, firstborns are usually loyal, committed and nurturing. However, these strengths can be undermined by perfectionist expectations and a desire to control outcomes.
She said: “We often expect our partners to be as perfect as we try to be. When they are not, it causes conflict. Our controlling attitude, born out of responsibility, can become a problem in relationships.
“Too much pressure and perfectionism can cause emotional fatigue. Firstborns often carry the fear of disappointing others, which weighs heavily on their mental health.”
She recommended relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness and exercise, ideally, under the guidance of a professional. She also advised firstborns to practice self-compassion by accepting mistakes as part of growth.
She further emphasised the importance of firstborns overwhelmed by family demands setting boundaries.
“Firstborns must learn to say ‘no’ when necessary, prioritize self-care, and communicate openly with their parents. Sharing responsibilities with siblings is also vital, even if tasks aren’t done perfectly,” she advised.
She encouraged firstborns to let go of perfectionism when delegating tasks and to trust others’ abilities: “We cannot be everywhere at once. I had to learn to step back and let others help, even if things were not done exactly how I would have done them.”
On the role of parenting in shaping a firstborn’s mental health, Ogbonna stressed that parenting style has a lasting effect.
“In families where strict rules and scrutiny are the norm, firstborns suffer the most. The pressure to ‘lead by example’ creates anxiety, low self-esteem and a fear of failure,” she said.
She described authoritarian parenting, rigid, controlling and rule-heavy as a red flag for firstborn wellbeing. In contrast, she recommended authoritative parenting, which balances expectations with empathy, structure with flexibility.
“Parents must realize that no child should be burdened with the role of a third parent. Let firstborns be children too. Nurture them, allow mistakes and teach responsibility gradually. That is how to raise emotionally healthy children,” she said.
Similarly, Dr. Joy Ugwu, a developmental psychologist and lecturer at UNN, said firstborns are often raised to live for others: “They are expected to lead, protect and represent. In some homes, they wake up before everyone, make breakfast, prepare their younger siblings for school, all before going to school themselves.”
She said such early conditioning has long-term consequences, “They grow up suppressing emotions. Even when they are scared or overwhelmed, they hide it, because others are watching. This limits emotional intelligence. It can lead to burnout, depression and even identity crises.”
Ugwu added that when younger siblings misbehave or fail, parents often blame the firstborn. “They tell them, ‘It is because you did not lead well.’ That leads to guilt, shame and more pressure.”
She said the long-term effects are not hard to spot as they appear in the form of anxiety, people-pleasing and burnout. Also thereare traits like self-doubt, difficulty saying no and, above all, an overwhelming fear of disappointing those who depend on them.
To protect their mental health, Ugwu said: “Firstborns must learn to recognize their own needs. Re-evaluate priorities. Build emotional intelligence. Seek support and allow themselves to feel. They are not just role models, they are human too.”
She urged parents to set realistic expectations and stop assigning parental roles to children. “It is unfair to expect a 10-year-old to play mother. You may think you are raising a leader, but you could be breaking their spirit.”