Let me state right off that a toxic wife is a problem, a danger to herself and family. Such wives do not build homes. This is why some widowers have been avoiding remarrying, for fear of falling into the hands of toxic women. Rather, they choose to remain late-life bachelors and simply enjoy the company of their children.
When Peterson Okwei’s marriage with Amaka hit the rocks, his wife of seven years could not bear the shame. She quickly moved to Canada and left her two young sons with their father. Almost everyone who knew Peterson suggested that he takes a new wife because of the young children. He would look into the air and say, “I cannot really trust women, even if I will, maybe when my boys are of age. For now, we will manage ourselves.”
Regrettably, a lot of stories have been told about toxic women who killed their husbands or step-children for whatever reason. If not for toxicity in a woman, how on earth would a wife ever think of killing her own spouse – to inherit his assets? This is the major reason businessmen do not disclose the full details of their finances to their wives, to arranged premature death.
The case of Chief Iwu of blessed memory became the example of the danger which toxic wives pose to men. The chief was a big-time tyre dealer. A trade he learnt as an intelligent apprentice to his eldest brother. He married Olamma and brought into the business. The business grew and birthed many other tyre shops. There was enough money from their business. Ola began to join all the associations in the market, including the community and church. Her activities became intense. On account of her husband’s wealth, she was appointed the chairlady and sponsor of many associations. Soon she began to pay less attention to her home and businesses. Of course, coming home late became regular for her. Her husband was no longer comfortable with her new found friends. Ola changed from the humble and loyal village girl he married. She began to display arrogance and disrespect. At the Pink Ladies Night, a special event of one of her associations, much younger men were allowed to dine with them in the day and dark. Soon enough she began to have extra-marital affairs. Her wealthy husband meant nothing to her anymore. Her home was badly affected as the marriage began to crumble. All efforts by family members to make her break off from her bad friends failed as she wrecked her home.
Toxicity shown by wives has various grades. There are so many women who refuse to abide by the rules of marriage, instead dare their spouses and work against all family plans. Some would become real life demons, disrespectful women under a man’s roof, but go out and return when they choose. Those women who spend far more hours in church day and night while their homes crumble for lack of care, are they not toxic? Women whose husband’s family members mean nothing to them, who honour their pastors and serve them quality special meals that should be for the husband, are they not toxic? What about women who bear children for another man while living with their husbands.
A story was told of a married woman who disguised her young lover as her brother and brought him into her matrimonial home. She was attending to two men sexually, spiritually and emotionally at the same time until the bubble burst and she was shamelessly sent packing. How could this be explained if not for toxicity? What of wives that cause trouble within the neighbourhood, offices and market places? Toxic wives include those who make the home very uncomfortable for domestic workers. People who live with them never enjoy peace.
A toxic woman can do horrible things, just like the woman in Ogun State who bathed her husband with acid because she suspected he was having an affair with another woman. She prepared the bucket of acid and waited for her husband who was a contractor. The moment he came in, he took a shower and came out in his boxer shorts to relax on the sofa in their sitting room. Shortly after his wife accused him of infidelity, and degenerated to hot argument and a scuffle. As her husband hit her, she ran, carried the bucket of acid and emptied the content on the man. Instantly, Ogunbiyi lost consciousness and fell down. The same woman screamed for help, before they could get to the hospital, he gave up the ghost. Policemen came and arrested her.
Dealing with a toxic wife, it requires setting clear boundaries, practicing assertive communication, and prioritizing one’s own well-being. Abuse does not come from men alone. There are women who are abusive and toxic in nature and spread it as they go. Therefore, the moment a man notices his spouses has become toxic and abusive, he should set boundaries immediately. Noting that the mind is a difficult place to play games, once it is made, it is a bit difficult to draw back. Therefore, spell out the dos and don’ts while seeking for professional help. Establish clear boundaries about what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. Attend couples therapy classes. Additionally, building a support system and focusing on self-care are crucial for managing the emotional toll of a toxic relationship.
Again, the man and family should shift the focus from blaming to problem-solving and finding ways to address the issues constructively. The first application is forgiveness. While it is important to forgive past hurts, it is also important to accept that the toxicity may not change immediately. The man may need to prioritize his own well-being and make difficult decisions.
Then assuming the toxic behaviour has been addressed and the relationship is moving towards a healthier trajectory, the victim should focus on rebuilding trust through consistent actions, open communication, and showing empathy and understanding.
Again, another system of dealing with a toxic woman is to communicate assertively as her spouse. Practice active listening and communicate your feelings and needs clearly and respectfully to her. Use “I” statements to express how her behaviour impacts on you, the children, larger family and business.
Then, it will not be out of place to seek for professional help. As a man and head of home, one can consider individual or couples therapy to address the root cause of the toxic behaviour. It could be achieved through politeness, healthy, communication and relationship skills.
When a wife becomes toxic, the trauma is not for the man alone. The reason why building a support system with trusted friends, family, support groups for emotional balance are necessary. Such little gatherings and surround groups might look small, but their impact is huge.
Then, there is need to prioritize self-care. It will not be out of place for the man to focus on his mental and physical well-being by engaging in activities that help him relax, recharge, and feel good about himself. If he is giving to football, music, concerts, arts and gallery; be bold and visit places you like. But be warned that what a man needs in dealing with a toxic woman is not infidelity. It is a no-go-area.
Finally, if the toxicity becomes severe or continues despite efforts to improve the relationship, one can consider separation as a necessary step to protect his own well-being and avoid untimely death.